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Men all over the world worried as Twilight creates demand for vamps

Special Report
The frustrated world of love and relationships is facing a big crisis these days courtesy the craze among females of all ages for Edward Cullen of Twilight. The Global Real Men Federation (GRMF) has become very anxious recently and is looking for ways to counter the critical situation. After swine flu caused by pigs created trouble, the world is ready to face a vampire flu which threatens to challenge all laws of natural lovemaking and the future of romantic relationships between humans of the opposite sex. 

The president of the federation told NTMN, “This is a very critical situation that has human men all over the world worried over the future of their married lives. Bachelors are even more tense fearing finding a soulmate will get more difficult now, given the high expectations that girls have now.”

Businessmen are cashing in on the situation in every possible way. Coaching institutes are promising complete transformation into ‘Beautiful Vampires’. The director of V.A.M.P. said, “We are getting hundreds of male customers per day. Our ugly beauticians are so busy, they don’t have time to make even me a vampire.” 

TV channels are launching reality shows in search of the most potential vampires to woo the female audience. Useless channel Colors has come out with a similar show titled Pishach, Patni aur Insaani Khoon in which Rakhi Sawant will be choosing her life partner from vampires similar in appearance to Elesh Parunjanwala (or vice-versa). 

Rakhi Sawant was very delighted and said on phone to NTMN, “After my break-ups (sic) with Elesh I have understand (sic) that no real mans deserve me. Twilight has make me realizes that what I want in my husbands can be found only in somebodys like Edward. I pray that Jejus (sic) bless Stephenie Meyer”. Meyer is the author of the Twilight series.

The Indian wing of the World Female Organisation (WFO) is organizing hawans and kirtans with idols of Robert Pattinson, the actor who plays Cullen, in an attempt to please God so that they are able to find for themselves a lover like him.

Indian parents might soon be looking for two teeth like these before looking for a handsome salary, when they go to find the ideal husband for their daughter

Plastic surgeons are happier than ever before as more and more men, college-goers in particular, are now willing to shell out huge amounts of money to be able to look like Robert Pattinson. Many plastic surgeons have themselves undergone such surgeries to keep their own married lives secure.

Seeing the gravity of the situation, more than 185 world leaders will be meeting this week to reach a common solution to the problem. Though they are claiming that it is being organized with the welfare of the ‘Common Man’ in mind, an Indian police official on conditions of anonymity revealed on being offered a bribe of Rs. 100 by NTMN sting reporters, that the real reason behind the summit is the leaders’ concern over the attitude of their own wives. When NTMN asked Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh, “Is it true that the event will take place in Copenhagen?”, Ramesh retorted angrily, “Are you mad? This is something SERIOUS!”.

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