The NTMN office recently got a phone call from Vindu Dara Singh, the winner of reality show Bigg Boss season 3. Vindu expressed his desire to be interviewed by Pyaare Laal “Batangad”, my subordinate at NTMN, and a world-acclaimed reporter. Vindu tried to flatter us by praising Batangad’s skills in reporting news in which “truth, precision, certainty and authenticity are nowhere to be found”. Batangad being a busy man first declined the request. Vindu got disappointed and reached Batangad’s office in the evening and fell upon his knees pleading him to take an interview. He said it was needed to give him the much needed hype in the media. After this, when Vindu’s father Dara Singh on phone threatened to break all the twenty teeth Batangad has, finally the interview began with the little Dara Singh.
Here is the most exclusive interview, “exclusive” meaning it can’t be found anywhere else in the world.
VINDU: First of all Batangadji, many many thanks to you for accepting this common man’s request.
BATANGAD: Oh, it’s ok … NTMN strives to encourage people like you, who are the real source of all our news stuff.
VDS: Oh, sir, that is so kind of you … (bursts into tears, starts crying loudly) … please give me your blessings sir …….. (bends down to touch Batangad’s feet)
PLB: It’s fine, let us now quickly begin as I have an important meeting with the dog that barks outside Rakhi Sawant’s house, he has to give me some confidential information about the latest cosmetic surgeries that she has had ……. so I need to be quick.
VDS: My pleasure sir, please proceed.
PLB: Ok, so Mr…..Mr….what was your name? And who are you, by the way?
VDS: Vindu, sir……..Vindu Dara Singh, son of world famous former wrestler and dignified actor Dara Singh. Won Bigg Boss recently. Feels like yesterday when I…
PLB: Oh yes yes, so tell me how do you and your dad feel on this triumph (of sorts)?
VDS: Oh sir it feels great to see that all the dedication and effort that I put into plotting inside the house has finally yielded its result. And then of course the prize money and the car, my first major earning in the last hundred years. My family is ecstatic and especially my dad, he is so sure that this win will get me the much needed fame; he even said to me that he would change his name to Dara Vindu Singh!
PLB: Oh really??? Is it indeed so? So has he changed his name?
VDS: Of course not sir … he was just joking!
PLB: And we have heard him saying that he is shocked at your behaviour in the house. You must be aware…
VDS: Oh yes, he was joking there too!
PLB: Right. Well I remember one of our readers sent us a letter for you last week. Would you like me to read it for you?
VDS : Please please Batangadji…….
PLB: “What qualities do you think I should possess in order to be successful in the game?” asks a struggling model and a confirmed participant in Bigg Boss Season 4.
VDS: Well … honesty, humility, mannerisms, tolerance — these are the qualities that you must not possess if you want to be triumphant in your stint in Bigg Boss. In fact, let me tell you, leave all your positive traits at home before entering the house if you want to survive there. In my case it was a tad easier since I already didn’t have any such traits.
PLB: Now that’s some worthy advice!
(Vindu again stoops down to touch Batangad’s feet and takes his blessings)
VDS: Bas sir, isi tarah apna ashirwad banaye rakhiyega… (thanks sir, I am blessed)
PLB: Vindu, as you might have read in our famous paper, Colors has come out with a new show called Small Boss now featuring kids and dwarfs … would you like the kids in your family to feature in it?
VDS: Definitely Batangadji, such shows are the only thing that can do any good to our family. Otherwise we would be as good as the slum dwellers in Dharavi. In fact my father and I have already started training the kids in our family for Small Boss. We want to make them pakke pehelwaans by the time they enter the house. So they now have 5 dozen bananas, 10 glasses of lassi, 25 paranthe for breakfast, followed by a nutritious lunch comprising of 15 rotis, 5 litres of dal makhni, 2 kilos salad, 7 kilos of mashed potatoes and then 3 kilos of gajar or suji ka halwa as the dessert. Dinner is comparatively ‘lighter’, as it should be, for having a good digestive system, like mine.
PLB: Kids in your family eat THAT much?
VDS: Yeah only that much.. kids should not be overfed you know, that’s why.
PLB: But Vindu, why do you want the kids to be pehelwans when they enter the Small Boss playschool?
VDS: I heard Bakhtiyar Irani is also sending his son to the playschool. I want the kids of my family to teach a lesson to the son of that son of a b***h.
PLB: Vindu, apart from the prize money and fame, how else do you think the show helped you?
VDS: How else? Isn’t that enough? Ek toh the show SHOWED me to the world, something that I have been trying to do since the past 25 years.
PLB: Okay and anything else?
VDS: Yes, secondly, the few people who had seen me earlier now got to know how I really am. So they will finally let go of all the good impression that they had formed about me after seeing me play the role of Lord Hanuman. They will now get to know how big an ass***e I am!
PLB: Thanks Vindu for this interview. Wish you all the best for future. Now I need to get going or the dog will reach our office, and I know how scared you are of dogs.
VDS: Ah thanks sir, for giving your valuable time to me.