(inputs by Tanay Sukumar)
Hairy Potty’s story
PROPHECY : A boy named Hairy would help witches and wizards get rid of Lord Vellapanti.
The story of Hairy Potty is about a mentally retarded boy called Hairy Potty. He was named Hairy because he was born with a lot of hair all over his body. He was the Chosen One because soon after he was born, he survived the blow of a scimitar by He Who Must Not Be Named Because Of His Long Name, i.e., Lord Lingarajan Virusahasrabuddhi Narshimha Ganeshan Osama Vellapanti, also known as You Know Not Who. This particular man had a record of turning wizards lizards into eunuchs, by the sheer use of magic! Professor Dumb Bell Door owed his abnormalcy, non-maleness, gayness, empty mind, et. al. to You Know Not Who.
As soon as Hairy was born, and the news of his hair spread, You Know Not Who wanted to suck Harry’s sexuality also. He reached the Pottys’ home in Godric Buffalo. But Hairy’s mother insisted that he suck her husband’s maleness instead of Hairy’s. Vellapanti got furious and killed Hairy’s dad. Hairy’s mother took the scimitar from him and asked him to leave Hairy.
He killed the mother too. But couldn’t kill Hairy. All he could do was take off one single hair from his forehead. This created a void in his hairy forehead, and this void was called “scar”.
At the age of 11, Hairy was kidnapped by Hagrid Harpreet, and taken to Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Lizardry, by the Hogwarts Express. This weird train used to leave from Platform Nine and Three-Halves, which is located at the same place where your excreta goes when you go to toilet in an Indian train.
At this school, he met his new friends Ron Ranchordas Weasel. The Weasels had also faced You Know Not Who’s attack once – but instead of turning into eunuchs who never reproduced, they got the ability to reproduce every now and then. They must be having seventy-seven children by now. Ranchordas was an introvert geek who always studied and even was shy with girls (he had oily black hairs parted in middle).
The very first day, Hairy got a girlfriend bitchfriend too, Hermione Haraamni. She knew only about two things – shopping and boys (even flirted with Hairy over ‘hairy issues’).
Meanwhile, You Know Not Who was busy raising an army of eunuchs (Birth-Eaters, because they could not give birth to children). He also created stuff called Hornycruxes, by dividing his soul into:
1 The Kohinoor Locket (His female part loved it)
2 The Secret Diary (contained his girlfriends’ contacts and information)
3 A Ring
4 A Diamond Necklace
5 The Diadem (which he won in the Eunuch Beauty Contest)
6 Nagini (His male part loved to flirt with her)
7 He himself
Subjects taught at school: The only subject Hairy did well in was Defence Against the Dark Farts. However many believe his hairy body had much to do with blocking farts. He was a great Seeker in the lizards’ game Gulli Danda. After having ‘fun’ with Ranchordas’s sister Ginny Horny, he started destroying the Hornycruxes one by one.
In the last book Hairy Potty and the Deadly Buffaloes, Hairy’s real father Sarpanch Snake finally revealed the secret of a fling with his mother.
At the end, the author J. K. Growling finally proved that she had used Bollywood as inspiration. The Hero Hairy won and the Villain Vellapanti lost.
Hairy married Horny and Ranchordas married Haraamni. Haraamni had a hard time tackling the Weasel’s family custom of having children after children, but they settled for two.
(Photo: NTMN)
(Click here to see the feedback to this post on Facebook).
(Photo: NTMN)
(Click here to see the feedback to this post on Facebook).
totally awesome…..i want more!!
totally awesome…..i want more!!
haha…hilarious…
haha…hilarious…
truly AWESOME!!!
HA HA, SENSATIONAL!
I am sorry Mr Harsh Bharadwaj, I just feel the whole article is just plain repulsive and not in the least bit funny. A gross overuse of Indian and sexual references. It had potential but it was over done a lot.
I totally agree wid chandan. Mr. Harsh Bharadwaj, u started off well while punning the names but then went too far with the idea. And sorry, but it was not at all sarcastic, or even humorous, for that matter. It seemed as if it reeks of your hatred for the series (though i admit u might be loving it as u’ve taken the privilege to write an article abt it.
)