(with inputs from Tanay Sukumar)
Our unreliable and erratic sources have reported that the Indian government has found a solid foolproof way to get India to play in 2014, and possibly every World Cup after that. As the country is bubbling with excitement and enthusiasm over the R-word (Reservation, obviously not Raavan), football officials in the country have decided to take it to the next level by honouring India with the status of a Scheduled Country (SC). The title “Scheduled” is considered prestigious in the nation; strong people can go to the level of stripping themselves in public to get that certificate of being weak.
With the ICC already making such a move by appointing Sharad Pawar for the top job, FIFA doesn’t want to stay behind and has agreed to the idea, lest desi reservation enthusiasts come and blow them up by stopping water supply in France. India will be welcomed with open arms (even open feet allowed this time) to compete.
Official U. N. Known, who first proposed the idea to the Indian football body AIFF, said, “I am thankful to commercial breaks! During one such break, I tuned in to a soccer match, and immediately realised that Indians would be superb at tackling, kicking and headbutting the opposition. As a weaker section in the global football community, we deserve a reserved seat in the tournament.”
Football fans all over India, who are dominating cricket fans nowadays, are more than happy. “How sw-e-e-t our boys will look in colourful jerseys!” says Mrs Ganguly from Kolkata, a self-proclaimed football expert. “If only 30% of the players were women, I could wear one too!” she added wistfully, probably imagining 11 baby-pink jersey-clad people standing in a circle around a big ball, wondering how they were supposed to hit it without a bat. U. N. Known, meanwhile, has warned general-category teams, “Watch out. Our SC team will kick your butts, if not balls, pun intended.”