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Enjoy the CWG in Indian flavour, says Mike Hooper in open letter to Indian common man

Dear Indians,

      Sub.: Bringing in the Indian flavour to the CWG 2010 

After so much criticism and mud-slinging on the Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee over the past few weeks, it is time to give us a chance to speak. After all, I’ve been sleeping silently with a huge burden for 7 years now, ever since India won the bid to host the Games in November 2003.

Here is a progress report that I have just dictated to my secretary. I hope the spellings are correct. She isn’t very qualified. We don’t have enough funds to hire someone else —

This is myself. As innocent as I look.

All stadiums had been painted well in advance. However, since the rains in Delhi unexpectedly washed away the top coatings on 3 of the stadiums, a report has been filed against the India Meteorological Department for not doing their job. The inquiry is in progress. 

1. Chairs, stands and pavilions have been done away with. They are unnecessary expenses on the already over-burdened, understaffed and un-corrupt Sports Authority of India. We have already exceeded our budget of $1.6 billion. Tie-ups have been made with leading TV channels so that the entire nation can watch the Games joke unfold on Live TV and we can earn some more money. 

Mr Kalmadi: as innocent as me.
Never blame him.
Blame Met deptt for rains,
and the news channel exposé for
the corruption.
2. All drugs have been seized from the Sports Authority of India BAI (Banned and Illegal) storage houses. These have successfully been force-fed to the construction workers to help them speed up the building process.

3. The Indian Cycling Team still doesn’t have its bicycles and equipment. They should become more serious about their careers and the nation’s honour, and start shopping on their own. How long will they depend on us? Don’t we have other things to do? 12 participants have already been suspended for making complaints and ‘grumbling’ about not having tyres, helmets, gears and other ‘unnecessary’ paraphernalia.

In July, with 3 months to go, I proudly announced that it was time for ‘bouquets of flowers to be given out’, considering the amount of progress we had achieved in such short a time. RJD Chief Lalu Prasad had a truckload of fools flowers sent over to Delhi to help us complete the remainder of the work. 

Now, with barely a month to go, I feel that it has become a ‘battle against time’. The deadline, which was initially December 2009, then extended to March 2010, then July 2010, is now finally early January 2011. The last phase of the work is slated to be complete by then, so that the winners of the 2010 CWG could be invited for practice and training on the tracks they were supposed to compete on. 

We’ve ordered these stadiums to be complete by January 2011

However, I request the rest of India and the world to remain unperturbed like me. I am getting ‘warmed up’ in a massage centre in Kerala and have never felt more at ease with my life. Coming to  more important things, I must tell you to try out this Massage Centre in Cochin. It’s my guarantee you’ll forget all your work, responsibilities and issues. Within no time, you’ll be giving these masseuses the Thumbs Up and showing the other finger to the rest of the world. 

What is mentioned in my above report, is a glimpse of India. So let’s enjoy these games with the Indian flavour. All roads will be blocked or under repair from the moment the participants and delegates land — till they take off. So the events might be a couple of hours late. Relax! There’s no hurry. Also, I can’t guarantee you the roof won’t leak if it rains. Or that the terrace will stay put if it gets too windy. Come on, so what if there are a couple of fires and few people are burnt? It happens every day, get used to it for God’s sake! 

In conclusion, I’d like to remind you that the motto of the Games is ‘Come Out and Play.’ So it’s time to bring out the true ‘Sportsman Spirit’ and not crib about trivial details. Remember, just ‘Come Out and Play’! 

For any further questions, please contact your nearest local sports administrator. I’m not to be held responsible for anything.

Yours sportingly, 
Mr. Mike Hooper 
(CEO, Commonwealth Games Federation)

About the author

Avinash Agarwal


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