3) DPS (Daily Public School) demanded an app which can collect and release an MMS or a sex scandal pertaining the school every fortnight on YouTube. They say it’s the cheapest and best strategy their PR people have thought of, to keep the school in limelight. Upon pointing out that this is a low and cheap method to get the attention, a DPS principal parroted out the old clichéd line that there is nothing like bad publicity. “Everyone plays to their strengths to stay in the media — Rakhi Sawant with her weird stunts and ability to talk crap, Raj Thackeray by hating North Indians, HRD Ministry by its dedicated efforts to destroy the higher education especially IITs, PM MumMohan Singh by keeping quiet on every damn thing he is supposed to be taking care of, and don’t even get me started about Kalmadi.”
|Cartoon by Sudhir Tailang|
4) Our beloved ‘naam aadmi’ ka party Congress has asked for an app which will, after every four years, automatically re-nominate Sonia or some other Gandhi as its president in highly democratic elections (India is the largest
democracy hypocrisy, after all!). The renomination should be UNOPPOSED, and anyone opposing should be banned by Facebook. Manmohan Singh on being asked for a reaction on this could only mumble that, “Rahul Baba is the Future PM”. Rahul Baba himself however could not be reached as he was busy finishing off the last remaining food grains of a Dalit family in Uttar Pradesh with his high-profile friends.
|He fakes degrees!|
5) “A degree is a degree! Whether fake or genuine, it’s a degree! It makes no difference!” he said about the fake degree scam in Pakistan. Baluchistan chief minister Nawab Aslam Raisani would love to have an app which allows people to claim whatever qualification they want to. The app should generate fake degrees on demand. We are sure this app will be in demand everywhere in India and Pakistan.
6) Raj Thackeray is in dire need of an app which can track all Marathis writing in non-Marathi languages on Facebook and another to tag all north-Indian users residing in Mumbai as ‘Bhaiyas’. We recently tried to know why he doesn’t have a Facebook account yet, and we were told that he is waiting for Facebook’s Marathi version to be launched. He then instinctively added the Facebook Mumbai Office in his ‘To Attack’ list.
|Men, in general, have requested for an app which can stop this gender discrimination, by automatically multiplying their “likes” by 100 times each. (Photo source)|
|Manmohan Singh is seen telling President Obama about
how Sonia Gandhi changed, after she used one
special Facebook app. Obama sure seems amused.
8) “I am damn sure my boss wants an app to know how much time I spend on Facebook and Twitter,” replied a user on being asked our question.
13) Farmers in Andhra and Maharashtra, not understanding what an app means and taking it for something which produces real effects, have requested for one to settle their loans and provide for their family in tough times, so they don’t have to commit suicide. Their Sarpanch blatantly said that it’s high time someone cares about us and Sharad Pawar definitely doesn’t. “Facebook is our new God, later we will ask for an app to create its temple,” he said.
14) Many young boys wished for an app which can detect if they write anything sarcastic on girls’ Facebook walls. “I’d be thankful if that app would also send an auto-generated apology for the same, because it seems I cannot afford more girls removing me from their friend’s list, just because they think I was being sarcastic. The app should be called Save girls in your profile, Only 1.411 Left.”
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, after going through this whole list of apps published by NTMN, said that they will do all they can to fulfil these weird app demands of the users. “We aspire to take Facebook to a level where people can live all their lives just on Facebook. Indian people are already getting good at it. Earlier they used to light candles when something bad like 26/11 happened — in protest. Now they just make a Facebook page for all the disastrous things that have happened or are going to happen, like they did on the Khap Panchayat issue, and even for the Commonwealth Games [disaster waiting to happen].”
He said he would consider it a real achievement when childless people, rather than adopting kids would just create (adopt) a profile on Facebook, make him look like the way they want, send it to whatever school they want, and be content with it. Zuckerberg added that, people are nowadays fed up with reality — it’s so overrated and monotonous — so they
prefer must prefer spending significant amount of their time on Facebook.
The Facebook CEO further said that the next range of their products include boob-enhancing, age-lifting, wrinkle-removing, weight-lose, height-increase, grow-hair, remove-baldness, get-six-pack-abs, get-a-unique-face [targeted for Harman Baweja–type people] apps. “We know that FMCG giants in consumer lifestyle like HUL, ITC, L’Oréal, PNG, etc and plastic surgeons are worried about this. We received letters from them pleading that the only reason people used their products was to look good in photos which they later posted on Facebook, now with these apps directly creating the effect, they will be screwed.”