#Internet #Society

The Funniest Facebook Apps We Need

Tapping into the large market of the Indian craze for fair complexion and white skin tone, Vaseline recently launched a Facebook application designed to enable them to whiten their skin in their profile pictures. The obsession with Facebook seems to have crossed all the limits, as indicated by a recent survey. Over 97% of the youth aged 15 to 25, when asked to name the word in life, beginning with an F, and ending with a K, that gives them maximum motivation for the rest of the day, answered ‘Facebook’ rather than ‘Fuck’. News That Matters Not also recently surveyed Facebook users about what new applications they would find interesting to have, and here are some of the most amusing results we got:

1) After the success of Slumdog Millionaire and the American TV series 24, Anil Kapoor‘s fame is catching on and many people now wish to emulate his looks. Some users expressed their wish to have an app called, Get a hairy chest like Anil Kapoor app – the name describes the purpose.

2) Having ruined the IITs and other institutes of higher learning in India through reservation, and successfully executed the escape of Warren Anderson after the Bhopal Gas Tragedy in 1984, Arjun Singh surely needs a Facebook app dedicated to him, Get low IQ like Arjun Singh.

3) DPS (Daily Public School) demanded an app which can collect and release an MMS or a sex scandal pertaining the school every fortnight on YouTube. They say it’s the cheapest and best strategy their PR people have thought of, to keep the school in limelight. Upon pointing out that this is a low and cheap method to get the attention, a DPS principal parroted out the old  clichéd line that there is nothing like bad publicity. “Everyone plays to their strengths to stay in the media — Rakhi Sawant with her weird stunts and ability to talk crap, Raj Thackeray by hating North Indians, HRD Ministry by its dedicated efforts to destroy the higher education especially IITs, PM MumMohan Singh by keeping quiet on every damn thing he is supposed to be taking care of, and don’t even get me started about Kalmadi.”

Cartoon by Sudhir Tailang

4) Our beloved ‘naam aadmi’ ka party Congress has asked for an app which will, after every four years, automatically re-nominate Sonia or some other Gandhi as its president in highly democratic elections (India is the largest democracy hypocrisy, after all!). The renomination should be UNOPPOSED, and anyone opposing should be banned by Facebook. Manmohan Singh on being asked for a reaction on this could only mumble that, “Rahul Baba is the Future PM”. Rahul Baba himself however could not be reached as he was busy finishing off the last remaining food grains of a Dalit family in Uttar Pradesh with his high-profile friends.

He fakes degrees!

5) “A degree is a degree! Whether fake or genuine, it’s a degree! It makes no difference!” he said about the fake degree scam in Pakistan. Baluchistan chief minister Nawab Aslam Raisani would love to have an app which allows people to claim whatever qualification they want to. The app should generate fake degrees on demand. We are sure this app will be in demand everywhere in India and Pakistan.

6) Raj Thackeray is in dire need of an app which can track all Marathis writing in non-Marathi languages on Facebook and another to tag all north-Indian users residing in Mumbai as ‘Bhaiyas’. We recently tried to know why he doesn’t have a Facebook account yet, and we were told that he is waiting for Facebook’s Marathi version to be launched. He then instinctively added the Facebook Mumbai Office in his ‘To Attack’ list.

Men, in general, have requested for an app which can stop this gender discrimination, by automatically multiplying their “likes” by 100 times each. (Photo source)

7) Shiv Sena would love to have an app which can spill milk all over people’s profiles with just one click. People are, in fact, confused about which was earlier, ‘the last time Sena did something constructive’ or ‘extinction of dinosaurs’?

Manmohan Singh is seen telling President Obama about 
how Sonia Gandhi changed, after she used one 
special Facebook app. Obama sure seems amused.

8) “I am damn sure my boss wants an app to know how much time I spend on Facebook and Twitter,” replied a user on being asked our question.

9) The dedicated mid-day meals authorities are too ashamed to request Facebook for this app. But they seriously need one to sell Viagra and condoms through their Facebook page in addition to their official website. This was suggested by some government school students who answered our poll.

10) Sports coaches asking female players for sexual favours are the flavour of the season. Most of these Indian coaches can satisfy their desires if there’s an app called Aati Kya Khandala?, through which they can ask for favours from players through Facebook. Women’s hockey coach M. K. Kaushik has said in defence that it’s his right to ask for such favours, for two reasons, (a) he is an officer of Haryana Government (on deputation as Hockey Coach) and (b) coaches have been doing this from Dvapara Yuga, the difference being Drona asked ‘for finger’ and he asked ‘to finger’.

11) An IIPM alumnus selling bhutta (corn) in my locality requested me to mention here an app exclusively for IIPM alumni, which could automatically upload/update their résumés on sites like naukri.com, every time they log onto Facebook using the free useful laptop that they got from Arindam Chaudhary. He says that the laptop is the only thing he got in return of all the fee and 2 years that they invested.

12) Some people who say they are from the sane community, have demanded an app which can restrict all Gurbaksh Chahal and Chetan Bhagat ads appearing on their Twitter timeline. One such person said, “I think Chetan Bhagat, after solving Indo-Pak issues, should focus on other problems of India, like, poverty, Naxals, Shiv Sena, Ram Sene, Nitin Gadkari, Arjun Singh, presence of crappy novelists (like himself), girls’ liking of Twilight etc.” He further added, “Gurbaksh Chahal, … who??? Well, we have the same question but the guy keeps persisting on our timeline that we ‘like’ him.”

13) Farmers in Andhra and Maharashtra, not understanding what an app means and taking it for something which produces real effects, have requested for one to settle their loans and provide for their family in tough times, so they don’t have to commit suicide. Their Sarpanch blatantly said that it’s high time someone cares about us and Sharad Pawar definitely doesn’t. “Facebook is our new God, later we will ask for an app to create its temple,” he said.

14) Many young boys wished for an app which can detect if they write anything sarcastic on girls’ Facebook walls. “I’d be thankful if that app would also send an auto-generated apology for the same, because it seems I cannot afford more girls removing me from their friend’s list, just because they think I was being sarcastic. The app should be called Save girls in your profile, Only 1.411 Left.”

Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, after going through this whole list of apps published by NTMN, said that they will do all they can to fulfil these weird app demands of 
the users. “We aspire to take Facebook to a level where people can live all their lives just on Facebook. Indian people are already getting good at it. Earlier they used to light candles when something bad like 26/11 happened — in protest. Now they just make a Facebook page for all the disastrous things that have happened or are going to happen, like they did on the Khap Panchayat issue, and even for the Commonwealth Games [disaster waiting to happen].” 

He said he would consider it a real achievement when childless people, rather than adopting kids would just create (adopt) a profile on Facebook, make him look like the way they want, send it to whatever school they want, and be content with it. Zuckerberg added that, people are nowadays fed up with reality — it’s so overrated and monotonous — so they prefer must prefer spending significant amount of their time on Facebook.

The Facebook CEO further said that the next range of their products include boob-enhancing, age-lifting, wrinkle-removing, weight-lose, height-increase, grow-hair, remove-baldness, get-six-pack-abs, get-a-unique-face [targeted for Harman Baweja–type people] apps. “We know that FMCG giants in consumer lifestyle like HUL, ITC, L’Oréal, PNG, etc and plastic surgeons are worried about this. We received letters from them pleading that the only reason people used their products was to look good in photos which they later posted on Facebook, now with these apps directly creating the effect, they will be screwed.”

About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.


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