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Pakistani athletes unhappy about excessive cleanliness in Games Village


New Delhi: 
The chef-de-mission of the Pakistan contingent in the Delhi Commonwealth Games has filed a complaint with the Organising Committee that the facilities at the Games Village are too clean for them to survive there. Be-Wajah Shah said he has filed a complaint with the organisers that the Indians have again back-stabbed their brothers from different mothers, that they lured Pakistan into participating here by showing to them filthy pics of the toilets and hotel rooms, but now that the Games have begun, everything appears “tip-top”.

“It came as a rude shock to me given that the initial pictures were so promising. For long now, India has been eyeing that lone bronze medal that we win in forgery. Since they can’t defeat us in forgery so they create such an alien environment for us,” Shah said.

He further added: “With all these shining floors, silken blankets, top-class training facilities et al, India seems to have invested millions not to host a mega event of global recognition but just to fry Pakistan’s ass. But let’s not fool ourselves. Pakistan will do everything in its capacity to spread filth around and bring the entire arrangement down to Paki standards. A tinge of terrorist activities here and there goes without saying.”


“It doesn’t stop there. Even the food that we are provided here is so nutritious. What good do these cornflakes and fruit juices do? We came here thinking that we will devour tonnes of Biryani. Every time I go out to enjoy food in Pakistan with my friends, there is some bomb blast or the other. I haven’t had a decent meal in a long long time. Coming to India was my only hope, but I guess what people back home say about India is true. Traitors! Yeah, you heard it right. That’s what you people are,” said a seemingly nonchalant Shah.

“The organisers have even tested four of our athletes for a possible dope intake. I want to ask the CWG Organising Committee — what is going on here? Don’t they know that taking hashish with morning tea is customary in our country? Do they have any idea how gruelling such investigations are? I will go as far as to say that they are the psychological equivalent of a complete rectal examination, ” added a very sombre Shah.

Shah was earlier involved in a controversy on the opening day of the CWG when he had a dust-up with Shuja Malik, a CWG gold medallist, over who’ll occupy the room with the maximum paan stains in it.

CWG gold medalist Shuja Malik
Pakistani swimming team captain Narak-e-Tairaak echoed the thoughts of Shah: “I don’t get this sense of cleanliness that the Indians have developed overnight. What is all this hypocrisy? Now take the example of yesterday. One of the maintenance fellows stripped me out of the pool just because he caught me peeing in the pool. What harm will a little additional salt in the pool water do?”

Three days ago, an unnamed Pakistani gymnast felt he might be suffering from constipation, until he located a railway track nearby. He rues: “This commode thing is totally alien to us? We feel a little under the weather if we have to crap anywhere other than the railway track or Tora-Bora mountain. Other Pakistani sportsmen can go without crapping for days as they have a solemn belief in the gaseous state of things but people like gymnasts need to do a lot of bending and stretching and we definitely are not among those who give their country a bad name in front of millions.”

Rumours are rife that the Organising Committee  awarded the Pakistani contingent an “earthenware medal” even before the competition began and instructed them to leave for their clean motherland as soon as possible.

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Ankur Nigam

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