#Internet Offbeat

A Face-off with Facebook


 

I did some calculations with my Facebook account, and you got to believe them, irrespective of the fact that at school, I seldom proceeded beyond the first two steps of Mathematical Induction. Here they are:

Number of Friends = 420 (Gee.. Somehow that number always clings to me, but that has nothing to do with my persona.)
Number of friends whom I have actually seen = 331
Number of friends whom I have ever spoken with (including chat) = 309
Number of friends whose whereabouts I am aware of = 009
Number of friends whose relationship status I am aware of = 009
Number of friends who are actually my friends = 009

As you can observe from this, the number of people in my so-called “friends list”, who are actually my friends, is 9. So what about the other 411 people? We surely don’t need ACP Pradyuman for that? Here is a list of purposes that those other 411 people serve after attaching themselves to me as a blood-sucking parasite:

To serve you the weather report of some unheard-of US town: There are times when I feel very low and depressed in life. Then I open Facebook, and see some losers telling in their status updates, how much it snowed in California or when has the sun came out in New Jersey. Now I may be way, way off here, but I cannot recall any situation in my life where I could have told myself: “Gee.. If I could somehow know whether it is humid in Boston today or not, it would be really helpful!” Meanwhile, let me also say that if you’re going to post something about Thanksgiving Day either, I give you a “no thanks” for that info.

Virus-like people using virus-infected apps: I never understood what does ‘A new fortune cookie has been delivered to you’ means. Believe me. Is it really Bejan Daruwalla sending that to you or is it some kind of a confectionery item delivered at your doorstep. No clue. And that we have a plethora of these, doesn’t help either: ‘Know your Latin name’‘Know the meaning of your name’‘Find your life path number’‘Which Egyptian god/goddess are you?’ , ‘Farmville Updates‘. Unbelievable. Absolutely shocking. I mean, tell me, how does it help to know my Latin name. Will it make my life any less miserable? Will it make me more likable? Will the auto-wala stop charging me owing to my Egyptian god/goddess name? The process of evolution clearly seems to have bypassed some people!

To irritate you with their selection of profile pics: I did some calculations on this one as well. Out of 289 males in my friends list, 281 of them could be seen wearing sunglasses in their profile pic. In fact I have this open challenge — if, say,  FB bans pics with sunglasses, you’ll find 99% of the guys in your list have changed their profile pic to that of an actor or a sportsman or even to a sports car/bike.
Remember that timid boy from your school days who was slow at everything and whom you and your gang fondly called fattu? Well, just check out his FB profile pic now, you’ll see him posing as a tough gangster (of course with the sunglasses on) and now he doesn’t even give a second thought about setting the “Looking For” field of his profile to “Dating”.
Then there are those who put their childhood pic, trying to score brownie points with girls who will come drooling over with their customary “Cho Chweet” remarks. How long do they want to take undue advantage of the fact that they looked cute as a kid? It’s time for a face-off. Agreed, that most of the females they were wooing will disappear on seeing their new avatar, but then they were going to disappear after meeting in person for the first time anyway.
Also there are people who put that pic which was taken in a studio, you know, the passport size photo with a red or blue background. Then there are those who put a pic capturing only their torso, as if people worldwide will request them, “Please show the remaining part of your body. We are literally dying here with anxiety.” And God forbid, if some son of a gun has got himself a well-toned body, he is sure to make full use of it by throwing a tattoo somewhere in the mix, as if gals will start tearing their clothes looking at his pic. Remaining are those poor chaps who neither have a beautiful face nor an interesting idea, so they simply write their name in such a stylish fashion which nobody can decipher.

To wish everybody who was born, a very happy birthday: This might give you an impression of me being a total nutjob, but I have even done a calculation on this. If it was not for FB, people wouldn’t get even 99.3% of the birthday wishes. This one is specifically for that one person who is sure to be there in everybody’s friends list who doesn’t get tired of wishing everybody on their birthdays. And since both the parties are there on your friends list, you are sure to receive the notification ‘So-and-so wished so-and-so on his/her birthday’. Not only will this irritate you but also will make you feel guilty. And the worst part is that the persons wishing a happy birthday do not even type the message themselves, instead they copy-paste the earlier message from the wall and the birthday boy/gal copies-pastes a standard reply to all of the messages. Now that’s one wish-thanks combination straight from the heart.

To perspire you with their inspirational status messages: What’s the deal with those people who put status messages like “Be the best or nothing”. What are they best at? Facebooking? Setting inspirational status messages? The least that they could do to motivate us is mention the art that they have mastered. Also there is this real dull and sluggish kind of guy you know, saying “Life is really short to waste! Enjoy each n every moment.” Now that kind of a status message from that kind of a guy is sure to cheer you up. Give me a break!

To agonize you with notifications: Almost every week, one of these random 411 strangers-cum-friends will tag you in some weird unrelated pic and the next thing you know is that for the next one week you will be agonized by constant notifications as the remaining 410 pinheads start thanking that one pinhead who took that lovely initiative. “Thanx for tagging, sweet!” “♥ Love u!!! Nice pic! ♥”

To remind you of the ever-dropping girl-to-boy ratio in our country: If a girl says on FB, “I made a mistake”, then hundreds of FB-heroes pounce upon her, asking ‘What happened?’ , ‘Regarding?’. Some of them do so, fancying their chances, believing the girl might be wanting to come out of a bad relationship. The entire melodrama comes to a screeching end, when the girl discloses her mistake: “I believed TOI movie review and watched No Problem.On the contrary, these same FB-heroes enter a coma if a guy even posts “I think that’s it. I am going to end my life today.

Those killer Must-Watch videos: If you are an Indian then you must watch this, if you love your mother/father then you must watch this, and the stupidity goes on and on and on and on. Now if sharing a stupid video on the behest of a stranger is the yardstick to judge love and patriotism, then mankind is definitely heading towards stone age. How about If you are a jobless jerk then you must watch this. Folly has no end to it. Really!!

Strangers suggesting friends for you: This is the last thing that we need, isn’t it? A stranger suggesting friends for you. Next will be a stranger suggesting a father for you. They even have a Friend Finder for you. Maybe those hundreds of people who call me brainsick are correct, but unless you are Ijaz Butt, you don’t need a stranger or a software to suggest/find friends for you. And please, in the name of God, will anyone explain me the exact usage of that Poke feature?

Well, no matter how much I crib and how much you laugh, Facebook continues to be an incredibly trusted friend which makes us feel important and well-liked amongst a large group of people we don’t even care for and who can’t even recall our name.

P.S. Attention! It’s a public warning. You are going to get flooded by FB notifications about people changing their profile pics. And believe me, no one is suggesting you friends any time soon.

P.P.S. Very much like my previous write-ups even this one doesn’t make sense. You are more than welcome to request the editor to create a new section specifically for me: Views That Matter Not.

About the author

Ankur Nigam

You really don't wanna know. Really!

74 Comments

    • haha,, even this happened with me once..i hardly know how to use FB properly and i got this tag notification..it was nt even a pic.. i donno wht it was.. some quotation or something..and tht idiot tagged the entire college..nw u can understand wht i went thru in the next one week 😉
      we ll decide on the space with a no holds barred steel-cage match later 😉

  • haha,, even this happened with me once..i hardly know how to use FB properly and i got this tag notification..it was nt even a pic.. i donno wht it was.. some quotation or something..and tht idiot tagged the entire college..nw u can understand wht i went thru in the next one week 😉
    we ll decide on the space with a no holds barred steel-cage match later 😉

  • Maja aa gaya bro. Few instances these days i too observed from my 130 so called friends and they should be mutual 😉
    To serve you the weather report of some unheard-of US town : These days Rawat saab,Kapoor saab mausam ka haal sunane mein chhaye hue hai.
    Virus-like people using virus-infected apps: Bhatt saab to apna kismat connection daily check karte rahte hai 😉
    To irritate you with their selection of profile pics: You yourself ;)..Chasma utar lo ab profile snap se.
    NIce write up once again mere mitti ke sher

  • Maja aa gaya bro. Few instances these days i too observed from my 130 so called friends and they should be mutual 😉
    To serve you the weather report of some unheard-of US town : These days Rawat saab,Kapoor saab mausam ka haal sunane mein chhaye hue hai.
    Virus-like people using virus-infected apps: Bhatt saab to apna kismat connection daily check karte rahte hai 😉
    To irritate you with their selection of profile pics: You yourself ;)..Chasma utar lo ab profile snap se.
    NIce write up once again mere mitti ke sher

  • Read ur post after long time, Nice write up as usual. I want to see ur name in first position in Top Authors list 🙂

    I think ur a great follower of CID, as u pull in “ACP Pradyuman ” in most of ur article.

    Come back to the post about the FB, Again FB is the one which gone get u lot of hits to ur post 🙂 Regardless of saying share it on FB again 🙂

    • long time?? see now u knw wht u were missing 🙂
      getting to the top ll take me another 100 years, hope u ll be there in both body and spirit (and not just spirit) to congratulate me then 🙂
      I hv watched CID only once I guess, but tht was enough for me to judge not to watch it again ..but my roomie keeps watching it so whenever i get a glimpse of tht clown ACP Pradyuman making those serious faces, ill burst into laughter..
      thnx for sharing 🙂

  • long time?? see now u knw wht u were missing 🙂
    getting to the top ll take me another 100 years, hope u ll be there in both body and spirit (and not just spirit) to congratulate me then 🙂
    I hv watched CID only once I guess, but tht was enough for me to judge not to watch it again ..but my roomie keeps watching it so whenever i get a glimpse of tht clown ACP Pradyuman making those serious faces, ill burst into laughter..
    thnx for sharing 🙂

  • thnx for the appreciation! I hv been deprived of it forever 😉
    .and u can bet tht these FARMVILLE fans wont be even familiar with their neighbours in real life 😉

  • thanx Vikas,, its true tht they are hot topics,, but unfortunately i dont watch any reality shoes.. i just cant stand em for a single second.. may be ill request some other author to write on it..

  • He he….that's all so true! Facebook comments should be taken on face value only! I don't know if you have seen middle-aged men write “u luk cute dear” on pictures of women/girls they hardly know.

  • He he….that's all so true! Facebook comments should be taken on face value only! I don't know if you have seen middle-aged men write “u luk cute dear” on pictures of women/girls they hardly know.

  • Is it a strange co-incidence that i land on this page through facebook? O that there is a “f share” button on this article itself?
    All in all a good rant, but i believe its what people make it. Nobody asks you to add those '411' friends. Just dont and live happy 🙂

    my two cents

    • 🙂 hahaha Point to be noted my lord: I never said anything against FB 🙂 Its just some of the users who just dont get tired of slapping intelligence in the face 🙂

  • I've read your article and thought you needed to be reminded of something that you probably know already. Please bear with me if what I have written is hard for you.
    According to what you claim, those 411 people actually attached to you themselves, huh? You must be someone, dude. Are you quite sure that you haven't sent out a single request to any of these people? I guess those 411 people know well.
    Despite all these accusations, you open facebook when you feel low and depressed? Oh! Now, that's amazing, pal. So you really expect something out there like a social networking site to alleviate your pain? Could you please explain how do you expect facebook to behave so that it can bring a true smile to your lips? Nothing comes free, buddy, and if you don't like to read the weather report, why take pain of carefully reading everything that you see on the page? When you read the news paper, do you actually read everything that's printed on it just because it's there?
    The virus apps. Do they actually come out of the page and grab your neck to click on those? Or do they drag your mouse pointer by some black magic? If that's the case, buddy, we shall find some witch doctor, if they're still available. Farmville updates? I guess if you don't want to get updated, you have the option to block the application that sends out updates to your page. I guess you are enough tech savvy to know that.
    And if you don't think the meaning of your name in Latin doesn't matter, why don't you just ignore it instead of crying like a baby? There may be other people that have enough time to go after that, let them fiddle with it. It's a social networking site, isn't it a bit too much to want it to operate in a way that pleases just you?
    If you feel sunglasses would make you look better, won't you try that? Come on dude, grow up, please. Everybody wants to look good, and if they didn't, all those apparel companies and the entire fashion industry wouldn't have existed. Let them wear sunglasses or whatever they chose to, sir, it's their life, after all, right?
    You always hide in some corner and shake with fear if somebody pays some attention to you, right? But that doesn't mean other people that are out there should be like you. Everyone has their own ways to attract some attention, sir, and most of the people like to get some attention.
    Birthdays. Yes, you are right. But then, don't you feel a bit moved when somebody says that to you? You know very well that they don't have to remember anything, they can see it on the top corner of their page, still they take the pain to write or copy/paste something for you, don't they?
    There are so many people that put annoying or stupid status messages on their pages. But all of them are not as bright as you, sir. I guess you should learn to tolerate a bit. Tagging could be annoying, I agree with you. But then you can very well prevent this from happening by setting your privacy properly. Why do you complain when you have an option? It's like, you want to use it, but then you cannot take the pain to organize it the way you want, and instead you want other people to do everything for you, quite fair, huh?
    Most of the things you've described here, if not everything, are under your control. Please don't whine like a baby

  • I agree using your thoughts here and i also love your blog! I’ve bookmarked it to ensure I am able to come back & read more sometime soon.

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