I need your support. I really do. Reason? Because today I am going to fish in totally unchartered waters. Today, I am going to embark upon a journey that very few have taken and those who did, disappeared. As they say, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. Today I am going to achieve the stature of a Messiah for some and Satan for others. Today I am going to discuss with you some of the traits of this bothersome species (frequently referred to as GIRLS), that have been troubling their male counterparts for centuries. Very much like you, even I don’t understand girls because everything about them is so subtle. Now I know that I may not be the best person talking about girls, considering that I know less about girls than perhaps any other guy on the face of the earth, but that in no way will stop me from being the torchbearer for the rest of you.
Here is a list of traits that make GIRLS feature under the list of Artificial Elements in the Periodic Table:
The never-ending makeup: This one is the ultimate back breaker isn’t it? And I am not even talking about the original make-up that they do before making the first public appearance out of their home. I am talking about that constant and repetitive deliberately-tampering-and-then-repairing-the-hair even in the middle of a conversation, removing that velvet scrunchie from their hair and then wearing it on their wrists, excusing themselves to freshen-up and every-time they return, you not just notice an increase in the width of POP layer but also that the hair has been re-re-… (n times)-arranged. I guess, even if they are going to the electric chair, they would like to depart with enough mascara. GOD!!
Memory of an Elephant: Girls never forget a foul-up. Never! If even once you speak to them roughly, then you will be reminded of that till you breathe your last. God forbid, if you forget their birthday or an anniversary of any type, they will put you on a TIP (Torture Installment Program) which will compound with interest over decades. Man! Boy! Don’t we hate them like poison!
Fake love for nature: Among other things that girls fake, love for nature is an absolute stunner. Starting from Go Green to Save Panda, girls go to any extent to show their humanitarian side until they get one glimpse of a real-fur jacket in a Gucci showroom. It’s a different scenario then, altogether. Not only that, the sight of a struggling cockroach in a commode will be accompanied by that customary shriek which will then be followed by the flush sound. Along with the cockroach goes all the fake love.
Gender Equality: Girls feel very proud of the fact that they are walking shoulder-to-shoulder with men in all walks of life, but that does not deter them from expecting niceties like being offered a seat in a crowded bus and if you don’t comply then they start with that trash talk about the Indian culture and God-Doesn’t-Exist-Where-Women-Aren’t-Respected. The Damsel is always in Distress no matter what!
Meaningless Shopping: Ever been shopping with a girl? It really is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Didn’t you feel that it will need hypnosis by aliens to make the girls buy things from the first shop they enter. That a deserving thing could not be bought within the first fifty shops is a concept that has been built into a girl’s character. Their mind is preoccupied with a plan to shop for four hours just to buy a fancy top. And eventually when they do get a top, comes the questionnaire time: “How am I looking?“, “You think the color is too bright?“, “Am I looking fat?“. You meanwhile will be left thinking about how the world would have been a much better place if everyone could say whatever came to their mind without any inhibition. And if you dare to say the truth.. hallelujah!
Blistering Pleasantries: It amazes me how much can they pretend at times. They will not think twice before using greetings like “Oh! I really missed you“, “Keep In Touch” and “Take Care” whereas it is “Take Off” that they have in their mind.
The Gift: Ever gifted something to a girl? You must have. But if you thought that deciding the gift for a girl was an ordeal then you have another thing coming. You have no idea, believe me absolutely no idea about the kind of impact the gift could have on your relationship. Girls will take the expert comments of all their friends across the globe to interpret the meaning behind the gift. The gift meanwhile, could turn from something like a heart-shaped watch to a relationship-killer.
Incessant Talking: This one certainly is a killer. I will tell you the exact steps to reproduce this scenario. Just let a small kid or a puppy near a girl and the next you know is that you have been bombarded by fake artificial expressions like “Cho Chweet” ,”So Cute“, “Smoochie Poochie“. It also shows that for a girl, humans aren’t too different from animals. In fact, I believe it was expressions like these that led to the practice of Sati. Perhaps, people in the medieval ages thought, “Alright. The guy who was blind and mentally ill in love is gone, so why should we get to bear with all the Cho-Chweeting.” Raja Ram Mohan Roy of-course had different ideas. Anyway, so all that fake love for the kids and you do just one kiddish act of dunking your biscuit in your tea, and you are dead meat. As if all the Cho-Chweeting and Smoochie-Poochieing was not enough, some girls will also talk to their eatables and dolls. And aren’t they absolutely crazy about loving some cartoon characters. In fact I am sure that if it was not for these stupid girls that moronic FB cartoon week would have bombed. Personally speaking, I was literally held at a gunpoint by my college gals and made to change my FB profile pic to a cartoon.
Fashion comes first, Comfort never comes at all: It could be a chilling New Year eve, but she will be in a sleeveless making herself look like a potential science exhibit and you as her guinea pig. To top that, she will go out for a coffee with you while dressed-up for mountaineering.
Fascination with their names: Their fascination with their names fascinates me. They don’t leave a single notebook-page or their study desk or even their own hand without carving their names. Not to mention, they often leave their lipstick marks or draw a flower next to the name, you know that easiest-drawable flower that were taught to us in kindergarten. And when they get bored with that, they start changing the way their name is spelled, like Prianca or Priancka.
Suspicion Personified: So you think your girl has Nirupa-Roy-like trust on you? Huh? Try saying this, acting totally preoccupied, in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation: “I keep wondering where is Mamta Kulkarni these days. Boy don’t I miss her!”. Next thing you realize is that you are treated by her like that transplant which is being rejected by the foreign body. She will deliver sermons as if she is a Sita taking Agni-Pariksha on a daily basis. That one honest mistake on your part will be a casus belli good enough for her to wage a jihad against you.
Immorally, taking high moral grounds: If a girl catches you cheating in an exam, she will start behaving holier than the Pope. Even when it comes to bribing, they will never stop you but will just back off themselves saying that its a guy-thing. You are left empathizing with the people in concentration camps.
P.S. The author has been a victim of women hatred for a long time now. With this post not only has he increased that hatred but also lost whatever little chances he had of getting a girl.
P.P.S. Also it shud be duly noted that owing to the author’s antics during his not-so-glorious days in school/college, he has become immune to barbs like ‘Tere Ghar mein ma-behen nahi hai kya‘ , ‘Sicko’, ‘Pervert’. So save the effort..
P.P.P.S. Lastly, ladies need not point out the fact that the author is a loser, as he is already aware of that fact.__________Team NTMN adds: We remember the “wow” reactions from girls last time we wrote about them. Then, we balanced it with a similar post on boys. All you angry girls, come back soon to read a post on guys and satisfy yourself! Stay updated: http://facebook.com/newsthatmattersnot
UPDATE Dec 13: We’ve fulfilled the promise; read this related post Men — the Break Before Humanity