[Columns] Men — the Break Before Humanity!

By
Nazneen Alam, Saheli Sen Gupta
– December 13, 2010Posted in: Editor's Picks: Classics, Society

Our feature on girls (Girls — A Welcome Break from Humanity!, December 4) got a lot of girls miffed with the author. As promised at the end of that post, it’s the boys’ turn now to get red (everything evens out at the end!). We describe to you the worst habits of men, as the girls see it. Guys, get ready to shed all the fun you had while reading the previous post. Girls, cheers to you!

Honestly speaking, it IS good to have them around — it’s always nice to have someone else pay for your chocolates, and who doesn’t like free entertainment? But men possess the wondrous ability to irritate us girls to the extent where we wish we could turn them into a piece of furniture that can neither move by itself, nor (more importantly) open its mouth and talk. So insensitive that they are hardly human, and hopelessly tactless, the following are some other traits we believe they’re born with—

The Curiosity for the Unknown: All their life goes in trying to figure out just one thing — how to understand girls. They think, observe, discuss, read, mock, ridicule and leave no stone unturned (maybe even pelted) in their eternal struggle to understand the fairer sex. They are the ones who’d be most interested in reading something — no, just about anything — about girls and their psychology. An uncared for, ignored, uninteresting, neglected species as ‘they’ probably are, we’re here talking about — guys/boys/men/Blah! (as if it matters).

Mama’s Boys: The phrase chhod do aanchal can aptly be used on guys who cling to their mom’s pallus and (never mind whether they admit it or not) wouldn’t dare marry a girl unless mommy nods a grave “yes” (as in, “Not as good as my Chintu deserves, but chalegi!”). Then there’s this astonishingly weird tendency to look for girlfriends who are like their mothers. And at the end of the day they complain, “I didn’t want a mom, I wanted a gf!”

No prizes for guessing if it’s a boys’
room or a girls’ room

“If you can’t climb the Everest, make one!”: Men seem to have an inexplicable yet deeply rooted, unbreakable relationship with unwashed laundry. Hence the quest to keep piling up laundry (containing what, we’re terrified to even imagine) until they’ve created a stinking version of Mount Everest. Another observation in this regard — we’re sure they change girlfriends more frequently than underwear. Need we add the “EWW”?


Sharing your woes with them can be woeful: They are awesome lawyers (speakers, debaters, and even accountants) in situations where only two ears are required. Had a bad day at work? Been hurt by someone? Try — “try” being the operative word here —sharing your woes with a guy and what you get are interruptions, smart-arse comments, a headache, and an urge to punch the hell out of the shoulder you were hoping to cry on. They somehow never understand that at this moment, what we needed was just someone to talk to, someone who would listen and not lecture us on how and when and why and where we went wrong and what we should do the next time. As if we ourselves don’t know that already!

The worst memory ever: Not only birthdays and anniversaries, guys manage to forget the name of the person they had slept with the previous night. Assuming they had bothered to find out her name in the first place, that is. Remember that advertisement where the brilliant guy knows that his wife shares her name with a flower, but is absolutely baffled as to whether it’s Jasmine or Rose? Point proved?

Bad habit no. 1

The bhandaar of Bad Habits:

1. Scratching their unmentionables in front of every mentionable possible. But then I guess that’s hard to prevent when you bathe once a month.
2. Slobbering rather than eating and having the appetite of both of us put together, and then some. And dude, there’s a reason why you’re not supposed to talk with food stuffed in side your mouth. It’s gross. And scary.
3. If jealousy is a green monster, that monster must be male. Guys are capable of feeling jealous of their girlfriends’ dogs and even teddy bears. A case in point:
Girl: I like Ranbir Kapoor!
Boy (ANY boy): Come on he’s gay!
(Even though we have Deepika and Sonam to prove otherwise.)

The Syndromes:
1. The I-am-hero Syndrome — There must be some strong connection between having a Y-chromosome and being hyper-allergic to asking for directions. Even if it means getting lost and wandering off to a totally different country. Taking advice from others is also a BIG no-no. They are the know-it-all and can-do-everything “heroes” after all!
2. The Macho Syndrome — Taking help from a girl? Why, that equals the electric chair! It’s not “manly” to even consider it. So what if he can’t match two socks to form a pair?
3. The Lousy-Listener Syndrome — While guys expect a girl to patiently listen to their wise opinions about why this football team lost (yes, they are more knowledgeable than the coach) and why that political deal went wrong (yes, they tutor the likes of Obama), they have a ready-made I-am-oh-so-tired mask to put on whenever it’s their turn to play the listener.
4. The Love-for-Mothers-and-Sisters Syndrome — No, not the ‘emotional love’ for their mothers and sisters, which certainly is always there (in the form of eyes searching for their “maa ki parchai” in their girlfriends and in the form of hockey sticks always ready to be out in service if a rascal who dares raise an eye to look at their sister). The talk is with reference to the gaalis, the maa-ki and behen-ki, that wipe away all their eternal momma-sissy love in one single go! And that too quite frequently, as frequently as, every week? Every day? Every hour? Every minute? Every second? Every word? Every single character that they utter, goddammit! Yeah, that‘s how many times they shower these words of pure sacredness and love.
If one’s love for someone was to be defined by the number of times he remembers that someone, these guys no doubt would be found to be loving their moms and sisters every moment of life, but sadly, that’s not what the definition of love is. God forbid, there never should be such a definition-finding place in the world. Else, we prefer to not love people.
5. The Disloyalty Syndrome — There must be 101 disloyal guys out of every 100. And in the rare case that you do find a guy who will not betray you for another girl, your competition are games and G. I. Joes.

— by the girls who haven’t yet come across a guy worth their “smoochie poochies”.

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By Nazneen Alam and Saheli Sen Gupta