Offbeat

Men — the Break Before Humanity!


Our feature on girls (Girls — A Welcome Break from Humanity!, December 4) got a lot of girls miffed with the author. As promised at the end of that post, it’s the boys’ turn now to get red (everything evens out at the end!). We describe to you the worst habits of men, as the girls see it. Guys, get ready to shed all the fun you had while reading the previous post. Girls, cheers to you!

Honestly speaking, it IS good to have them around — it’s always nice to have someone else pay for your chocolates, and who doesn’t like free entertainment? But men possess the wondrous ability to irritate us girls to the extent where we wish we could turn them into a piece of furniture that can neither move by itself, nor (more importantly) open its mouth and talk. So insensitive that they are hardly human, and hopelessly tactless, the following are some other traits we believe they’re born with—

The Curiosity for the Unknown: All their life goes in trying to figure out just one thing — how to understand girls. They think, observe, discuss, read, mock, ridicule and leave no stone unturned (maybe even pelted) in their eternal struggle to understand the fairer sex. They are the ones who’d be most interested in reading something — no, just about anything — about girls and their psychology. An uncared for, ignored, uninteresting, neglected species as ‘they’ probably are, we’re here talking about — guys/boys/men/Blah! (as if it matters).

Mama’s Boys: The phrase chhod do aanchal can aptly be used on guys who cling to their mom’s pallus and (never mind whether they admit it or not) wouldn’t dare marry a girl unless mommy nods a grave “yes” (as in, “Not as good as my Chintu deserves, but chalegi!”). Then there’s this astonishingly weird tendency to look for girlfriends who are like their mothers. And at the end of the day they complain, “I didn’t want a mom, I wanted a gf!”

No prizes for guessing if it’s a boys’
room or a girls’ room

“If you can’t climb the Everest, make one!”: Men seem to have an inexplicable yet deeply rooted, unbreakable relationship with unwashed laundry. Hence the quest to keep piling up laundry (containing what, we’re terrified to even imagine) until they’ve created a stinking version of Mount Everest. Another observation in this regard — we’re sure they change girlfriends more frequently than underwear. Need we add the “EWW”?


Sharing your woes with them can be woeful: They are awesome lawyers (speakers, debaters, and even accountants) in situations where only two ears are required. Had a bad day at work? Been hurt by someone? Try — “try” being the operative word here —sharing your woes with a guy and what you get are interruptions, smart-arse comments, a headache, and an urge to punch the hell out of the shoulder you were hoping to cry on. They somehow never understand that at this moment, what we needed was just someone to talk to, someone who would listen and not lecture us on how and when and why and where we went wrong and what we should do the next time. As if we ourselves don’t know that already!

The worst memory ever: Not only birthdays and anniversaries, guys manage to forget the name of the person they had slept with the previous night. Assuming they had bothered to find out her name in the first place, that is. Remember that advertisement where the brilliant guy knows that his wife shares her name with a flower, but is absolutely baffled as to whether it’s Jasmine or Rose? Point proved?

Bad habit no. 1

The bhandaar of Bad Habits:

1. Scratching their unmentionables in front of every mentionable possible. But then I guess that’s hard to prevent when you bathe once a month.
2. Slobbering rather than eating and having the appetite of both of us put together, and then some. And dude, there’s a reason why you’re not supposed to talk with food stuffed in side your mouth. It’s gross. And scary.
3. If jealousy is a green monster, that monster must be male. Guys are capable of feeling jealous of their girlfriends’ dogs and even teddy bears. A case in point:
Girl: I like Ranbir Kapoor!
Boy (ANY boy): Come on he’s gay!
(Even though we have Deepika and Sonam to prove otherwise.)

The Syndromes:
1. The I-am-hero Syndrome — There must be some strong connection between having a Y-chromosome and being hyper-allergic to asking for directions. Even if it means getting lost and wandering off to a totally different country. Taking advice from others is also a BIG no-no. They are the know-it-all and can-do-everything “heroes” after all!
2. The Macho Syndrome — Taking help from a girl? Why, that equals the electric chair! It’s not “manly” to even consider it. So what if he can’t match two socks to form a pair?
3. The Lousy-Listener Syndrome — While guys expect a girl to patiently listen to their wise opinions about why this football team lost (yes, they are more knowledgeable than the coach) and why that political deal went wrong (yes, they tutor the likes of Obama), they have a ready-made I-am-oh-so-tired mask to put on whenever it’s their turn to play the listener.
4. The Love-for-Mothers-and-Sisters SyndromeNo, not the ’emotional love’ for their mothers and sisters, which certainly is always there (in the form of eyes searching for their “maa ki parchai” in their girlfriends and in the form of hockey sticks always ready to be out in service if a rascal who dares raise an eye to look at their sister). The talk is with reference to the gaalis, the maa-ki and behen-ki, that wipe away all their eternal momma-sissy love in one single go! And that too quite frequently, as frequently as, every week? Every day? Every hour? Every minute? Every second? Every word? Every single character that they utter, goddammit! Yeah, that‘s how many times they shower these words of pure sacredness and love.
If one’s love for someone was to be defined by the number of times he remembers that someone, these guys no doubt would be found to be loving their moms and sisters every moment of life, but sadly, that’s not what the definition of love is. God forbid, there never should be such a definition-finding place in the world. Else, we prefer to not love people.
5. The Disloyalty Syndrome — There must be 101 disloyal guys out of every 100. And in the rare case that you do find a guy who will not betray you for another girl, your competition are games and G. I. Joes.

— by the girls who haven’t yet come across a guy worth their “smoochie poochies”.

About the author

Nazneen Alam

About the author

Saheli Sen Gupta

34 Comments

  • Good observations with little exaggeration… bt once after reading the post about women, all i can say is… ohhhhh poor gals…. that's ur comeback??? didnt got anything better??? no. of times i Rofled while reading the women post outscored the no. of times i yawned while reading this one… Poor attempt….

    • I have just one thing to say to you…..it's not “didn't got”, it's “didn't GET”. 🙂 😛

      • Stats that show the loser side of men (NTMN too has proved this):

        A write-up, ANY write up, for that matter, criticizing women will always find maximum hits with the guys, as if all of 'em craving to vent out their frustration of sour grapes, together.

        • I agree! The number of responses on the post on women supercedes the number of responses to this, indicating that they were struck dumb by the post! Or maybe men never take women seriously, which is equally bad!

      • oops… may b my english teacher wasn't great enuf as urs to teach me the differences between 'get' n 'got'
        @editor: I'm extremely sorry if I had violated the “Rules-to-comment-on-NTMN-posts”(it there exists one)

          • @jadeja, “no. of times i Rofled while reading the women post outscored the no. of times i yawned while reading this one” says more about you than the article, I believe.. 🙂
            we get that it's a little difficult to rofl when you're, quote, “fretted and sulking”
            no offence 🙂

  • Good observations with little exaggeration… bt once after reading the post about women, all i can say is… ohhhhh poor gals…. that's ur comeback??? didnt got anything better??? no. of times i Rofled while reading the women post outscored the no. of times i yawned while reading this one… Poor attempt….

  • oops… may b my english teacher wasn't great enuf as urs to teach me the differences between 'get' n 'got'
    @editor: I'm extremely sorry if I had violated the “Rules-to-comment-on-NTMN-posts”(it there exists one)

    • well u cannot NOT agree to all the points!! 😉
      great to know u liked it (and brave enough to admit it!) 🙂

  • Nice write-up….best laugh i’ve had in a while….might sound just that li’l bit crazy coming from a guy, but hey, if we don’t laugh @ ourselves every once in a while,v start takin’ ourselves too seriously….okay,some of the stuff up there was outrageous and blatantly untrue (want a couple examples? not washing urself for weeks? scratching ur privates in public? Puhleeaze) might be u’ve had the misfortune of being wid such guys all d time,but this prototyping business is sure offensive as hell

  • interesting. The whole “Male ego” thing needed more emphasis. the one on girls was a better read, but that’s cuz, it’s women; they are fascinating creatures. 😉

  • […] The Gift: Ever gifted something to a girl? You must have. But if you thought that deciding the gift for a girl was an ordeal then you have another thing coming. You have no idea, believe me absolutely no idea about the kind of impact the gift could have on your relationship. Girls will take the expert comments of all their friends across the globe to interpret the meaning behind the gift. The gift meanwhile, could turn from something like a heart-shaped watch to a relationship-killer. Incessant Talking: This one certainly is a killer. I will tell you the exact steps to reproduce this scenario. Just let a small kid or a puppy near a girl and the next you know is that you have been bombarded by fake artificial expressions like “Cho Chweet” ,”So Cute“, “Smoochie Poochie“. It also shows that for a girl, humans aren’t too different from animals. In fact, I believe it was expressions like these that led to the practice of Sati. Perhaps, people in the medieval ages thought, “Alright. The guy who was blind and mentally ill in love is gone, so why should we get to bear with all the Cho-Chweeting.” Raja Ram Mohan Roy of-course had different ideas. Anyway, so all that fake love for the kids and you do just one kiddish act of dunking your biscuit in your tea, and you are dead meat. As if all the Cho-Chweeting and Smoochie-Poochieing was not enough, some girls will also talk to their eatables and dolls. And aren’t they absolutely crazy about loving some cartoon characters. In fact I am sure that if it was not for these stupid girls that moronic FB cartoon week would have bombed. Personally speaking, I was literally held at a gunpoint by my college gals and made to change my FB profile pic to a cartoon. Fashion comes first, Comfort never comes at all: It could be a chilling New Year eve, but she will be in a sleeveless making herself look like a potential science exhibit and you as her guinea pig. To top that, she will go out for a coffee with you while dressed-up for mountaineering.  Fascination with their names: Their fascination with their names fascinates me. They don’t leave a single notebook-page or their study desk or even their own hand without carving their names. Not to mention, they often leave their lipstick marks or draw a flower next to the name, you know that easiest-drawable flower that were taught to us in kindergarten. And when they get bored with that, they start changing the way their name is spelled, like Prianca or Priancka. Suspicion Personified: So you think your girl has Nirupa-Roy-like trust on you? Huh? Try saying this, acting totally preoccupied, in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation: “I keep wondering where is Mamta Kulkarni these days. Boy don’t I miss her!”. Next thing you realize is that you are treated by her like that transplant which is being rejected by the foreign body. She will deliver sermons as if she is a Sita taking Agni-Pariksha on a daily basis. That one honest mistake on your part will be a casus belli good enough for her to wage a jihad against you. Immorally, taking high moral grounds: If a girl catches you cheating in an exam, she will start behaving holier than the Pope. Even when it comes to bribing, they will never stop you but will just back off themselves saying that its a guy-thing. You are left empathizing with the people in concentration camps. P.S. The author has been a victim of women hatred for a long time now. With this post not only has he increased that hatred but also lost whatever little chances he had of getting a girl. P.P.S. Also it shud be duly noted that owing to the author’s antics during his not-so-glorious days in school/college, he has become immune to barbs like ‘Tere Ghar mein ma-behen nahi hai kya‘ , ‘Sicko’, ‘Pervert’. So save the effort.. P.P.P.S. Lastly, ladies need not point out the fact that the author is a loser, as he is already aware of that fact.__________Team NTMN adds: We remember the “wow” reactions from girls last time we wrote about them. Then, we balanced it with a similar post on boys. All you angry girls, come back soon to read a post on guys and satisfy yourself! Stay updated: http://facebook.com/newsthatmattersnotUPDATE Dec 13: We’ve fulfilled the promise; read this related post Men — the Break Before Humanity […]

Leave a Reply