Offbeat

Resolutions for the Revolution # 2011


Below is a list of some New Year resolutions, which even though very thoughtlessly thought over, will resonate with each one of you. If in case even one of them hasn’t ever featured in your list of resolutions, then you are perfect, in other words, you need immediate psychiatric attention.

I will lose weight.
I will quit smoking.
I will drink more water and less beer.
I will exercise regularly.
I will sleep early and wake up early.
I will call mom daily.
I will brush my teeth every night before sleeping.
I will work/study efficiently without checking my mails/FB every alternate minute.

Forget about getting through an entire set of 365 wretched days, even before the first week of January ends, bending a fork mentally will appear easier than following even one of them.

So, my public-spirited soul decided to combine with my toothless wisdom and provoke me to suggest you some new New Year resolutions. No, don’t worry! Nobody is asking you to split an atom here, I have framed them keeping in mind the high levels of joblessness, the average level of determination, and the very low level of self-belief of my readers. Now that I have yet again managed to forcefully increase the length of the article by writing meaningless trash, let’s get on with the Views That Matter Not:

Resolution # 1
If the entire front page of the newspaper has an ad, I’m going to use it to carry my dog’s poop.
And I am sure that my dog is gonna express thanks for that with one bowel movement a day. I don’t see how an entire front page covered with a cool-looking dude eating Vimal Gutkha in the middle of a desert can prepare me for a convincing day ahead. And the websites! Seen those ads that appear on your screen as soon as you open websites like timesofindia.com and Cricinfo? Isn’t that the most sickening display of forced advertising? Come year 2011, and you will not let anybody force you to see what you don’t want to see just because you want to waste your time at the workplace. You’ll take your eyes off the screen for those five seconds — your resolution. I’ve tried it, and it’s easy. In fact, you get a feeling of triumph at the end of it.

Resolution # 2
I will stop singing tunes of Sachin Tendulkar’s greatness.
I agree he is the best but let’s just leave it at that. Harping about his credentials will not put food on your platter albeit it provides momentary delight. Really people, if Sachin was the first one to score 17000 ODI runs, he will definitely be the first one to score 17001 runs, 17002 runs, 17003 runs and so on. Unless the world becomes a Hollywood studio, I can’t see how any other batsman can score thousands of runs overnight and surprise you. So, no need to extract a Diwali celebration out of each run he scores. Somehow, we Indians are blessed with a myopic ability of seeing his achievements as our own. And, now please don’t start with that ‘Cricket is our religion and Sachin is our God’ crap as all your love for cricket is shown by the fact that irrespective of the playing conditions, you always want India to bat when you are free to watch. Now before knives are out for me for speaking about Sachin in this fashion, let’s quickly drop this resolution from the list and move on to the next one.

Resolution # 3
I will not buy anything, the price tag of which bears a 99 at the end.
This add-99-to-fool-people scam has been going around for quite some time now. Its high time that we abolish anything which has this ending-in-99 price tag. If under some circumstances, it really becomes imperative of you to buy such a product, make sure you take the one rupee change back and not give the dealer any satisfaction. Yes, majority of my day-to-day actions are just out of spite!

Resolution # 4
I will not waste my 300 hard-earned (Well. Not exactly!) bucks on a movie starring Akshay Kumar.
Let me take the sadistic pleasure of reminding you of his last ten blockbusters: TashanChandni Chowk To China, 8 x 10 TasveerKambakkht Ishq, Blue, De Dana Dan, House Full, Khatta Meetha, Action Replayy, Tees Maar Khan. Want a pleasant surprise? House Full 2 is already in pre-production stage. Watching his movies is like talking to a gravestone. Also, it might sound like philosophical hogwash, but do we really need an Akshay Kumar in Bollywood? Haven’t we already, by projecting SRK as The King Of Bollywood, practically discovered the award of “Dumbest People On Earth” and awarded it to ourselves ?

Resolution # 5
I will not buy JK cement no matter how many dazzling beauties they show in swimming costumes. 
As much as I agree that hot chicks are capable of doing many seemingly impossible things, but increasing the strength of a skyscraper foundation remains too far-fetched for me. I am not even gonna believe the WikiLeaks with this one!

Resolution # 6
I will never mention Friends as my favourite TV show and Chetan Bhagat as my favourite author.
Trust me on this one. If Friends is your favourite TV show then you definitely suffer from selective amnesia while watching TV, and if Chetan Bhagat is your favourite author then actually you are not even qualified to read a good book. And, if by any slice of misfortune, you have both of the above as favorites, then I am surprised that nobody has killed you yet. So either drop dead or be a little classy this year.

Resolution # 7
I will never buy anything at the airport/airlines.
Even if you are dying of hunger, and a chicken sandwich (for which actually a chicken sacrificed its life) starts to appear as a life saver, don’t buy anything on an airport/airlines. You are not gonna regret even if you sacrifice your life in the process, but this scam must be put to an end. The nerve of these people. Thirty bucks for a tea!! Am I having this tea with the models of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Collection or what?

Resolution # 8
I will not pay one-and-a-half to auto-drivers.
I may be driving a Škoda. I may be plunking down eight thousand bucks for a CK perfume. Even spending thousands of bucks visiting holy places. But there is no way that I am going to pay seventy-five bucks to an auto-driver when the meter reads fifty! It may be well past 10 p.m. and my house might be in a deserted area from where the auto-driver wouldn’t find any new customer to take back, but I take a stand today. There is something seriously wrong with this breed and they need to be put back in place. Traffic discipline is like a contraband to them. No one-and-a-half!! This one is for all the scratches on my car and the zillion times I have been cut-off in the traffic.

Resolution # 9
I will not listen to any song, the lyrics of which I can’t even comprehend.
This one could easily be the hamlet of all stupidities. Aren’t A R Rahman’s songs enough to put doubts in your numb skulls about your hearing capability and your understanding of the national language, that we now need Arabic and Persian lyrics? Remember those numbers from Murder (Kaho Na Kaho) and Bluffmaster (Bure Bure Hum Hum Hum)? And, I also resolve this New Year that I won’t become a fan of utter nonsense songs, in which a woman called Munni can become a Zandu Balm, method unknown.

Resolution # 10
I will not be good to anybody who says to me “Be Good”/”Take Care”.
These could easily be the two worst phrases of English language. Why do people say that at the end of a chat or a telephone call? What does it even mean? How does one exactly do this activity of “taking care”?! Let’s say I am Hitler, gassing around people on their arrival to Auschwitz. But since this guy, whom I meet just once in a year told me to be good, will I let the Jews flourish? WTH! I know it has become a kind of tradition but then even sacrificing virgins to appease God was also one; we don’t follow that anymore, then why do we stick with this Be-Good-Take-Care bullshit?

Those aren’t difficult resolutions to follow, are they? So what if you couldn’t get six-packs in 2010. Read the above ten with ten intervening shots of margarita and ROCK ON!!

P.S. I know my aforementioned suggestions don’t have the authority of God’s commandments chiseled in stone, but bank on me this one time and try them out for a year. Revert to me at the end of 2011 with results and I am sure that by then you would have become a person very much like me i.e. widely despised.

P.P.S. I perfectly understand that reading a write-up on the first day of the year from a perennial loser like me is pretty ironical and might not be the best of ways to start a year, but then you were not going to follow the age-old resolution “I will not waste time in meaningless things” anyway !

P.P.P.S. Completely irrelevant to the post, I am almost compelled to mention this well-known fact about Hitler which I find very hilarious: ‘Hitler had a fiancée in the 1920s, Mimi Reiter, and later had a mistress, Eva Braun. He had a close bond with his half-niece Geli Raubal. All three women attempted suicide (two succeeded).’

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Ankur Nigam

You really don't wanna know. Really!

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