Being Sharad Pawar

Statutory Warning: The makeover may result in a permanent damage to your frontal lobe, resulting in an incurable, insatiable appetite for crisp, minty-fresh currency notes.

Step 1: Shave your head and get a pair of glasses. Get a crumpled, oversized trouser-shirt combination (preferably white).
Step 2: Go down to where the children of your apartment/ colony/society/chawl/basti are playing cricket.
Step 3: Stand in the centre of the pitch and stop the match. You may have to duck and dodge a few balls if ‘those pesky kids’ do not recognize you at once.
Step 4: Proclaim yourself to be self-inducted President of Control for Children’s Cricket in India, the PCCCI. Don’t be surprised if they’ve never heard of it before. You just made it up.
Step 5: Collect ‘chanda’ for matches every week, feed and protect the bullying kids, make them your chamchas and stand up as the chief contender for President of National Children’s Congress.
Step 6: In your free time, practice domestic farming and agriculture on your terrace. This is to keep your future ‘Shining’ and other job prospects open.
Step 7: As a final touch-up, stick a half-laddoo in your mouth and keep it there. In a few months, it will start to look like a swelling. Alternatively, you could ask one of your chamchas to punch you there to get a bruise. Then shoot him in the head so no one dares try it again, even on your orders.
Step 8: Now practise Step 2 to Step 7 daily, till April 2. Then go to Wankhede Stadium in Mumbai at 2.30 pm in all your glory. Pick up the World Cup and take it home. India wins again, all thanks to you.
Step 9: Enjoy the rest of your life swimming in bathtubs full of currency notes.

About the author

Avinash Agarwal

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