The recent comment made by Julian Assange, that Manmohan Singh, the Indian PM, is misleading India about WikiLeaks, has not gone down well with the government. Well-placed sources have provided us with a document, which happens to be the details of a confidential Congress meeting. We bring to you an exclusive report on the confidential meeting of the All India Congress Committee held recently at Sonia Gandhi’s Terrace Garden, 10 Janpath, New Delhi (the garden is reputed to be full of Italian flowers). The contents of the document are as follows:
“We, the members of AICC, agree that Brand Congress has taken a heavy beating recently due to serious charges of Corruption, Bad Governance, Bad Policies, Poor Jokes (by our spokesperson Manish Tewari) and other things which are unfortunately true. We also acknowledge that Dr. Manmohan Singh is the weakest Prime Minister we’ve ever had, and has become a real headache for our party; but we have to live with it, and, as always, defend him—he is hardly capable of changing his statements and the line of self-defence.
Despite the bad show, let’s not forget that we have ploughed out enough money under his regime; the fact that he hardly has any guts to stop it works very well for us. Hence, we unanimously choose to defend him and for this purpose, have formed a special task-force to mount an ‘innovative’ attack on our major opponent BJP and wreak vengeance on the slanderer Julian (Hooligan) Assange. The task force will allege that Mr. Julian Assange is a secret BJP leader having his interest in the Indian Politics. Here is the list of some ‘great taskmasters’ with a detailed analysis:
1. Kapil Sibal, Union Minister for Communications & IT, (Chairman) (Made an awesome theory of ‘zero-loss’ claim in the 2G scam, which was pegged at Rs. 1.76 Lakh Crores by the CAG. Also helped us counter the BJP by saying that they caused a loss of 30000 crores in their regime and we caused zero loss in this 2G licence distribution)
2. Digvijay Singh, Gen. Secy., AICC (Member) (He is our party’s ace in making bizarre link–ups. Invented a nonsense, but a helpful logic of ‘Hindu Terrorists’ who can somehow be responsible for things concerning our Muslim-vote bank areas. Also cooked up nice theory of ATS Chief Hemant Karkare’s death and linking it up with Hindu extremists, which helped us gain public support in General Elections.)
3. Rahul Gandhi, Gen. Secy., Congress (Member) (Though he is a good-for-nothing (even Madam Sonia agrees to that), he manages to sleep in the huts in the villages in UP and is quite popular with rural women. After all who can forget Kalawati, who shot to fame after she featured in his speech in the Parliament.)
4. Manish Tewari, Party Spokesperson (Member) (His irritating and monotonous speaking style is his power. He is so irritating that even our opposition speakers hesitate to comment on his comment. Madam Sonia too, prefers him over Johnny (Madam’s German Shepherd dog) when she goes for a walk.)
Special Committee Members”
The Congress top brass has, however, denied the facts of the paper, terming it ‘fabricated’. But, the truth is that at a press conference in the capital today, Manish Tewari alleged that Julian Assange is a secret BJP leader who is actually an RSS member and an austere ‘Hindutva’ believer. The statement that stunned the entire press-conference, was reiterated by Kapil Sibal in a separate interview.
After the press conference was over, Tiwary stayed back and spoke to us excitedly, “You see, people of our country endorse corruption. We won comfortably in 2009 General Elections and the same will happen in 2014. Ours is a secular party and we make sure that we live up to that secular image. All the leaders of our Party, who’re from different religions, have all profited equally. From Mr. Ashok Chavan to Mr. Salman Khursheed, all the ministers have earned awesomely, so there is no religious bias in our party”.
Manishanker Iyer (senior Congress leader well known for criticising his own party during the CWG), spoke to us, “It is my appeal to all my media friends to stop publishing negative things about us, as it hardly affects us. In the movie Guru, Abhishek Bacchan says, ‘When people start criticising you, then it is certain that you are rising’. We are firm believers of that statement.”
Meanwhile the BJP is happy that they are being associated with people like Julian Assange. They feel that it has raised their standards as a political party; some leaders from the BJP were heard saying at a cocktail party that “any publicity is good publicity”.