#Politics (UPA Days) Staff Picks - Archived

New strategy set to have only trained scamsters in the government


New Delhi:
Shaken by all the recent scams and ghotalas, the UPA high-command held a closed door meeting today, to work out some clever guidelines to be followed by ministers. While several ministers were rebuked for being unable to hide the fact that they are corrupt, Manmohan Singh was handed the job of the Prime Minister for an hour, as a punishment for innocently leaking wrongdoings to the media. In the press briefing after the meet, Congress spokesman Manish Tewari said, “Only those who follow these new guidelines will be given cabinet berths. The existing ministers are also expected to abide by these.”

Manmohan Singh was punished at the meet, by giving all the PM's work to him for an hour

The meet was highly secretive, just like the government, but NTMN managed to get a handout of the guidelines, from a highly placed UPA worker, on the condition of anonymity. The new rules are said to be the brainchild of an ingenuous mother-son duo.
The guidelines are as follows:

1) “All party members must have a Swiss Bank Account,” says the list of guidelines. “Proof of this will have to be submitted to the secretary of the high-command, along with relevant experiences of handling scams. Preference will be given to members involved in scams worth more than Rs 10 crore. The candidate should be able to spot opportunities/create opportunities – projects from which large amount of money can be siphoned out.'”

2) “Members must have expertise in fooling a lie-detector. They must be highly skilled in controlling their blood pressure and perspiration. The answers they give to a lie-detector machine will be telecast live, in order to assure the janata that they are getting excellent ministers.”

3) “All candidates need to be diploma-holders from a reputed acting school—preferably Film and Television Institute of India (which has produced great actors like Mithun Chakraborty, Naseeruddin Shah, Jaya Bhaduri, etc). There will be no reservations for products of the same acting schools as Uday Chopra, Dino Morea and Harman Baweja. Party members must know how to enact a heart attack, how to give an innocent puppy-faced look, and how to give an All izzz well smile, even when nailed guilty.”

4) “First-time cabinet aspirants must have a recommendation letter from a minister who has a proven record of scam evasion/escape. The letter must highlight that candidate will not buckle under pressure during an investigation.”

5) “Cabinet-aspirants must have Facebook accounts with at least 10,000 friends. This would help increase the popularity of the party. Also, since the revenue of Facebook is increasing, a scam will be planned to relieve Mark Zuckerburg of his money.”

6) “Candidates must have excellent story-telling and excuse-giving abilities. Their prowess in this field will be evaluated through personal interviews and many rounds of group discussions.”

The party has also proposed to hire a full-time psychiatrist who would examine these bluffing qualities. He would discuss shortcomings with the Party President alone. The final decision would be in “her” hands. A talking replica of Arnab Goswami is also planned for practice, to ensure that every criminal member can tackle the worst of media-persons with ease.

A note below the guidelines mentions that the decision of the Party President, and in some cases, her son’s, would be final and binding.
(with inputs from Smrithi Murthy)


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Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

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