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By Apr 22, 2011 • The News Pages
People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was reported to have filed two lawsuits against Bear Grylls on Friday. Bear Grylls, the star of the survival guide show Man vs. Wild was shocked to hear this news and had to cancel his rocket launch for a new series Man vs. Mars featuring his survival on planet Mars, feeding on extra-terrestrial life and sucking nutrients from red rocks. The lawsuits against Bear are, namely, one for animal cruelty, and the other for endangering the species of the adder snake (Vipera berus). 

Bear Grylls

“Bear Grylls is a very cruel individual who has no respect for life of animals other than himself. Eating an animal alive is no way of surviving. The show that this man does is totally pointless. I mean, only a dumbass would dare to go out there—why can’t he just sit at home, play video games and wait for his mother to serve him something good to eat, like I do?!” wondered a PETA official on their official blog. “We’ve sent him many notices earlier, but he didn’t regard any. Another reason for suing him is because our reports have found that wherever he goes the population of adder snakes hits the endangered mark.”

In response to this, Grylls termed the whole episode “nonsense”. He stated that eating snakes is a basic technique for survival. “Recently, some tourists didn’t eat snakes at all during their trip to mangrove forests in Asia. Only one of them survived somehow, and was rescued by a team of special troops who found the guy limbless,” he defended himself. “My show is a perfect survival guide; it is not offensive or harmful in any kind of way—we always double check to delete my lovemaking scenes with the Grizzly Bear.” On being questioned what he plans to do now, Bear said that he’ll wait for the court hearing. Till then he would shoot for the last episode of Man vs. Wild series in a place called Mordor.

On suggestions that no place called Mordor exists in reality, he called them absurd. “You’ll now say that Voldermort was killed all by himself,” he said. Upon contacting his personal physician, Dr. S. Chanderpaul, we discovered that Bear suffers from a rare disease called “Hccino Frexxes” which affects the mental ability of a person to imagine things.

11 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. the third Bagri;) April 23, 2011 at 7:22 pm - Reply

    toatally random browda. keep chillin :)

  2. LOla September 16, 2011 at 3:11 pm - Reply

    what the fuck this is stupid. fuck this website and fuck peta

    • John January 8, 2012 at 10:03 am - Reply

      hey, wash you mouth idiot, try to use your head at least one time in your life and care what say and why say it. for people like you this world is rotten. try to learn something in the life. sorry… asshole!!!

      • ian January 8, 2012 at 11:34 am - Reply

        who me?

  3. ian December 27, 2011 at 3:31 am - Reply

    id like to see these peta f*cks survive the wild with little water or edible plants or herbs. sure you may have a fridge to eat your lettuce and cucumber and a juice machine but id like to see them survive with nothing but a poisonous cactus, a snake, beetles, maggots, little or no water, larva, and a rotten zebra. punks wouldnt last. meat is good for you. eat it. protein. enzymes. good for body. man be doing this for thousand year, yes? eat meat. stupid f*cks

    • zatan130 April 16, 2012 at 11:58 am - Reply

      By that logic, we should reinstate slavery…because man had been doing it for thousands of years. Slavery is good for the economy.

      Anyone who watches his show is the least likely person to ever get stuck in a situation such as the ones on the show. If you own a tv, you are rich enough not to get stuck in the wild. And ALL of the situations on the show are staged, clearly. He has a fucking camera crew.

      You’re obviously mentally challenged.

      • Bear Grylls April 25, 2012 at 5:23 am - Reply

        No he is correct. Why don’t you try going out in the wild instead of having everything done for you. Selfish fuck. The show also provides good entertainment and knowledge so stfu.

  4. pat December 17, 2012 at 12:55 am - Reply

    Good to hear, go peta. This show should be ilegal

  5. IgorH February 3, 2013 at 5:23 am - Reply

    “why can’t he just sit at home, play video games and wait for his mother to serve him something good to eat, like I do?!”

    - so sitting at home, most likely eating some chicken feeded with antibiotics and the meal of their dead conspecifics, which had to spend their lifetime in a laying battery as big as the size of a paper, waiting for being tortured and killed by machines, is more responsible than Gryll’s survival techniques which include hunting?
    This is so limitless stupid that there’s nothing more to say.

  6. Kat June 2, 2013 at 9:49 pm - Reply

    Good for you PETA, the program should be banned. No living creature should die for the sake of entertainment. If he was lost, starving in the wild, then yep I get it, but its a TV show. If you think its ok, then the idiocy is on you.

  7. Anthony May 30, 2014 at 3:38 am - Reply

    This guy should be in jail i used to like the shows but every one is filled with senseless killings of animals not to mention he’s apparently staying in hotels making these killings even more pointless put this killer behind bars like the rest of the murderers

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