#Politics Staff Picks - Archived

The Scam Company


I’m the latest one to win the title ‘scamster’—please congratulate me! But I must say I have an aversion to jail terms (they prevent me from enjoying the fruit of my labours), so I wish to make known to you my version of the story (journos love to paint me as a villain—nobody lets a guy talk after flinging all those leaks and accusations at him).

I’ve crossed all the routine politician stages—the ‘I don’t know anything’ stage to the ‘I was forced to do it’ stage to the ‘poverty and circumstances’ appeal. Now I have to be innovative and novel, so I thought to myself, “How about the truth, for a change?”

To all those sharks out for my blood, I’d like to say—do you really think one me is enough to make a scam? (I’m no Einstein or Hawking in IQ!) Do you have any idea about the amount of planning and implementation it takes to make this huge an amount of money? You need a very efficient corporate set up; you need a managing director, an executive director, PR representatives, sales managers, legal advisors, financial advisors, etc. You need undercover agents; people who work in the company but who have different jobs in their public profiles. These agents work in sync with our PR team to project a happy, efficient, ‘for the nation’ image up-front so that people remain unaware of our real jobs behind the stage. Then you need ‘little people’, who do the real dirty deeds and keep the camera away from the MD and top brass. Lastly, the ‘middle order’, whose number needs to be so large that the trail will never lead to the MD.

Our company does not even need to advertise—we get free publicity thanks to being in the Parliament. Besides, we let our achievements and profit margins do the talking. And we do give a part of our profits to the nation as charity—it’s corporate social responsibility after all. (We also need to do it occasionally to keep our scam from being uncovered.) Also, we use some of this money to gift people things so that we get votes and the company flourishes. People think we are being nice, but we really are only giving back some of their own money (tera tujhko arpan).

Everyone knows that politicians know how to make money better than businessmen (hum se badhkar baniya kaun?!) Were you dumb enough to think we joined politics to make a difference to the nation? (Actually, we did make a difference—haven’t we made so much difference to the national exchequer?)

I’m only the brand ambassador of this company; in the cabinet and the public eye. I was just happily sitting in the chair, when the notes were being passed under the table—I never took any. Those tapes were only a part of my social networking—it’s just a molehill that’s being made into a mountain. I’m a junior who’s being made a scapegoat. I was plain unlucky to get caught and not have enough political brand equity to escape—I’ve no history of forefathers in the game. Do you think the MD of this company would ever be put behind bars? No cop would dare!

He (The MD) clothed and fed me. I can’t tell anyone about him. The price I pay for being loyal.. sob sob… There’s also the little fact that I’d be finished if I spill; quite literally. So here I am—caught between a rock and a hard place; the frying pan and the fire; the devil and the deep sea… These days I don’t even know who the cop is and who the thief, so even if I wanted to confess, I’d be lost.

I’m really a nice guy who followed all the 10 commandments prescribed in my religion ‘Politics’ by Lord Money. The company is very strict about these rules: (No, they are not from the Bible—how dare you accuse me of following another religion!)

 
And God spoke all these words…

And God spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the LORD your God…’

ONE: ‘You shall have no other Gods before Me.
Hail money! Hail money!

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image or any likeness of me.
This prevents us (the company) from minting our own money – we cannot take over the RBI’s work – though we would love to.

THREE: ‘You shall not swear falsely by the name of the LORD’
We never take any false oaths – we say we’ll obey money and we’ve never failed to do so.

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
We celebrate and honour the day the company reached 10n crores.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.
That’s why we have assets in the name of everyone in the family.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.
I never murdered anyone. There were people to do it for me. What – you say I murdered People, Ethics, Nation? I don’t even know those guys! Honest!

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.
I obey this rule – I loot no other nation but my own. To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion.

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.
I never stole in my life! The amount I’ve amassed is the salary the company has paid me. (So you can imagine the net profit of the company.)

NINE: ‘You shall not bring a false testimony in a court of law’
The company and I both go one step beyond the requirement – we never let any testimony reach the court – be it for or against. We ensure that the committees set up for the probe take forever to come to a conclusion.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; nor his servant, his ox, donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.
I’ve never taken anything from anyone in the company. (Of course, they wouldn’t let me even if I tried.)

I know you’re not very clear yet on how guilty I am; but that’s how I mean it to be. Come on—I’m a politician, not a priest—you can’t expect me to be more honest than this. The law is very sweet on us, at its snail pace, so I’m already partially saved. But I’d like to save my skin at all events and at any cost, that’s why I’m writing this.

In any case, I’ll be contesting from jail, so you guys can all vote for me.

P.S.: My request to the RBI Governor – please print notes of denominations like 10,00,000 or higher, exclusively for scamsters. The current notes make it very difficult for us to count. With the country’s GDP increasing, our company will be making more profit – the microscopic denominations of the common man won’t be enough for us.

(photo illustration by SataniX)


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Smrithi Murthy

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