Yes, bin Laden might be dead but last night, we interviewed him.
He was sitting by the clouds when a care taker asked Osama to attend a call from Earth for a special interview. Osama went flabbergasted. Not expecting an interview call can make you go dumb and numb; so did he. “Who are you? Human or jihadi?”, he asked.“Sir, I am a news correspondent who wants to interview you and make some money out of it,” was the lame reply.
Osama bin Laden: Ah! I know this term “correspondent”. You mean you’re the one who came into existence after you covered my epic 9/11? So, you are here to earn bread because you have nothing better to do to earn, am I right?
Reporter: No, no sir, you are getting this absolutely wrong. I do it because I love to do it, it has turned into my interest lately, unlike yours.
OBL: Oh! So you know my interests? How sweet. But boy, I must tell you, out of every single interest, making bombs, especially human bombs, is my favorite. Apart from this I love to travel, and so far, I find only Abbottabad the loveliest of them all, after New York and London. I feel like Abbottabad is my second home, safe with military guarding 24×7.
NTMN: Sir, you are right. Perhaps the media was wrong. You really are a very interesting
soul person. But, please pardon me if I may sound indecent or too up, close and personal.
OBL: You are just a kid. Why would I bombard you? Stay calm. I just run out of temper sometimes, ask my wife (wives).
NTMN: Yes, she is a “noble soul”. Husband-oriented wife, I would say.
OBL: I thought you were here for an interview?
NTMN: Oh yes! Let us begin. Sir, are you satisfied with what you have accomplished in life?
OBL: Personally yes, I had 5 wives and 20 children. But there were certainly so many missions in my Western Digital 1 terabyte hard disk (now under the possession of USA, someone told me), which were to be accomplished, but very sadly, I couldn’t achieve my goal, sorry Abba (teary eyes). I had a dream, rather call it a vision, to unite the world for good,
forcing turning everyone’s perception and religion to the same thing: jihad. This wasn’t an easy task.
NTMN: Yes sir, but don’t you think it is unfair to brainwash people by luring them with 72 virgins after death? I am confused over this claim. No one has seen or experienced such a paradise; how could you be so sure?
OBL: Damn! I was too much sure that I’d finally get what I deserve, but f**k my then-mentor, who gave me this same lure. This is a pure lie. There is nothing like this here in paradise. More than the virgins, I am now searching for that son-of-two-men who first lured me into jihad.
NTMN: Sir, you must keep calm and cool. I can understand how you must be feeling about wrong information being provided to you. Let’s just skip and slip to our next section: your childhood. How was it? Please enlighten us, I am pretty sure you must have never aspired to be a “jihadi” at first place.
OBL: Oh my childhood, those blissful days; black and white movies of Amitabh, Manoj Kumar, Rishi Kapoor’s movies, non-handy bomb technology, ill-equipped arms, no Facebook, Twitter, thank God no Orkut as well, and no Mayawati. At that time, we were on our own. Life was hard but not so fast, I had real contacts with my friends. Ah! Sorry, I break down when it comes to childhood. You are very right, news correspondent! I never wanted to end up as a jihadi. I had always dreamed to become a Nuclear Engineer from IIT-Delhi.
NTMN: Whoa! You must have been a hardcore nerd?
OBL: Yes, you can say this, correspondent, but next time try to be polite.
NTMN: I think I must say a goodbye to you now. I don’t have enough balance; call rates here are quite expensive. Any last message for the “low lives” on the Earth?
OBL: Yes, this place is much like South Extension in Delhi or Italy’s Milan on the Earth. Okay, correspondent, but do tell every reporter to use Skype from next time. My message would be to my fellow mates, “dudes and dudettes, be focussed and conquer my unfinished dreams, but do not involve any of my children in it.”
NTMN: Sure sir. Thank you for your precious time. Hope you have a great time and wonderful afterlife ahead.
Osama bin Laden again occupied his regular seat adjacent to the boiler and slipped into his solitude.