Note: Put your signature, and mail this to Mr Ban Ki Moon immediately, without reading.
Sub.: Why India is a developed nation today.
Dear Mr Ban Ki Moon,
As asked by you, we present you six reasons why we consider our country India (also known as Baraat) to be a developed nation. We hope you fall in love with our great nation.
- Decline in Population Growth: Ever since 2001, we have undertaken steps to ensure that the Indian population growth decreases drastically. We have ensured events like the 2001 earthquake, Godhra riots, a tsunami, continuous violence in Kashmir, and our critical callousness, ensuring continuous terrorist activities in almost every state, so that a number of people are frequently removed from the population of our country. Other strategies like price rise have also contributed, by pushing people to commit suicides. This is one of the most innovative and a first-of-its-kind measure adopted by us to fight huge population.
- A Zero-Scandal Country: After watching several of our actresses switch to the policy of size zero, our nation was inspired. We organised events like the IPL, Commonwealth Games, the Hockey World Cup—all of which went on successfully, without any conspiracy. The IPL, if you should know, is one cricket event in which we expect soccer stars to be bought in the auctions for the coming seasons. And the smoothness with which the Commonwealth Games were held in 2010, has been recorded and praised all over the world. Companies have had zero reports of conspiracy, and men like A Raja have been worshipped as heroes in our news. Our nation has been completely unaffected by WikiLeaks which has created worries across the world. Also, politics—a dirty game everywhere—is considered “spiritual and holy” in our country. Criminals all over the country, upon understanding politics, got a mind changeover. Their minds got cleansed, and they became saints. They decided to preach their thoughts by joining politics. They are the ones who ensure that our country will now forever be a zero-scandal nation (and hence, Mr Moon, a developed nation).
- Stars on Earth: Our nation has the luxury of having the best stars from various fields—for example, cricket, movies and some more which I don’t remember. Our nation has ensured that these individual stars, who have inspired development in our nation, get paid crores of rupees, keeping in view their contribution to the nation. This is the reason why a major percentage of Baraat Ratna award-recipients are cricketers and movie stars. We have stars like Katrina Kaif, whose song Sheila ki Jawani (do watch the video, Mr Moon, you’ll love it) inspired the entire youth to a new level of hard-ons. We have Shah Rukh Khan, whose dancing skills have inspired me too, personally. A major chunk of the youth’s schedule is spent watching cricket matches which go round the clock round the calendar, which in turn benefits the nation. Our nation has shown how there can be so many stars in a single country, enriching millions of minds. Our people have been so very much inspired and awestruck by them, that they have come out as actual payers of the stars’ money, rather than giving the money for other uses. Thus, stars have taught us the way to use both time and money efficiently.
- An Unaffected Youth Brigade: The youth, aka GenX, aka NextGen, has descended as a generation totally unaffected by what goes on around them. They love to focus on their lives. They have no interest in what happens to them as a nation and hence have had no complaints about what we have been doing. Instead, they are involved in more important stuff like drinking, smoking, enjoying, sleeping, bunking classes, etc. They have shown a tendency to shift their lifestyles to a more Western manner (what more to deserve a “developed” tag, Mr Moon?!). Their happiness makes the nation developed. They are the perfect consumers of whatever is served to them. Most of them shout a lot, but are still very much under control and tamed. And this youth branch spreads itself through every age and part of the society. That’s why, we boldly state that our country is a young country and a poverty-free country. When you come to our cities, you would see bridges and flyovers, but no slum houses, as they have been well-covered by our intelligent functioning.
- 100% Tolerance to Terrorism: Even though events like the 26/11 Mumbai attacks happen almost every year, we are unperturbed. We have not retaliated. We have rejuvenated our non-violent stance towards such meagre events and we are sure that this is the only way that terrorists would ever get to be silent. We have allowed neighbours like Pakistan to attack our people, with complete ease. We are sure that you respect this strategy and will suggest other nations to employ it too. Our nation is a ground setter on how to fight terrorism.
- Dynamic and Strategic Leadership: Our country has a very discreet and secretive system of leadership which the world is unaware of. Our country is not ruled by me as the PM, as I have made apparent to everyone. In fact I plead to a certain lady for all decisions. And, what makes our country unique and developed, is that 50 years ago, she didn’t even know the name of the capital city of our country. Our nation has such a trendsetting cultural diversity that we have let her settle here and take our decisions. If you must know, it was she who chose who the next president of our nation should be. I am sure Mr Moon, that you have never seen any nation so advanced and strong in its leadership, that it strategically bluffs the world about its actual leader. (You should sometimes seek her advice too; she even tells me what to do on Friday nights).
The most important fact which is common to all of these is that our nation serves to entertain the world. We never let the news end up short and boring, and the recurring events in our nation keep the people of the world engaged. We are a great source of amusement, Mr Moon—but, I am sure you have realised that before.
Also, you may ask any Indian—he will tell you that he is satisfied. We hope that you make us developed by including in your esteemed list. Also feel free to ask for monetary fees for the same, we have a lot of Swiss bank accounts. We will be happy for another 100 years if you agree to our demand. This is the reason why our India or Baraat will be better than China—our happiness.