SRK reveals he helped Ganguly get back in IPL to weaken Pune team

In what comes as a rude shock to the Kolkata Knight Riders team and fans, Pune Warriors India have signed on former India captain Sourav Ganguly for the rest of the season in IPL-4. There has been speculation about the reasons behind Ganguly’s signing and we have reason to believe it was SRK himself, who from behind the scenes orchestrated the entire operation.

After being hounded by our reporters for hours, a visibly distraught SRK blurted it all out before catching his flight to Mumbai, “Yes, it was I who instigated this move.” When he was asked the reason behind it, he explained, “Ever since the beginning, the Knight Riders have been threatened by the Pune Warriors team, with their pool of talented youngsters such as Murali Kartik and technically sound batsmen like Robin Uthappa. It was then that I realised, that the one common thing in all our last three disastrous IPL campaigns was the presence of Ganguly in our team. Naturally, since we felt so vulnerable with the quality that Pune team boasts and we wanted them to lose their upcoming matches, I pulled in a couple of favours, a few phone calls, and bam—there he was, on their team.”

A Warrior at Heart, and a Sportsperson at Heart

When reminded that the Pune team is already languishing at the bottom of the table, he replied with a sly smile, “You already see the intricacies of my master-plan, don’t you? The ‘Dada effect’ has been showing on the Warriors, even before he actually signed!”

To verify King Khan’s claims, we decided to check with Sourav himself and he returned the favour in kind, “Well, Shah Rukh Khan is my idol. All these years when I have been on the team, without scoring runs—without doing anything really—other than being called ‘India’s most successful captain’, I have actually been trying to emulate SRK himself. He has been a real inspiration for me with his series of flops over the years, the way he shows up at events uninvited, the way he presents to the world a face completely different from his own and above all, how he always keeps saying ‘I’m a sportsman at heart’.”

Finally, an insider at the Pune Warriors team, who did not wish to be named, gave us the scoop “We are already at the bottom of the table. How further can we go down? We have signed on Ganguly to get some media coverage and attract a fan base. As soon as we have that, we will show him the boot, just like SRK. Also, we will be able to verify the claims that with Ganguly in your team, you can never reach the semifinals. Since we are already out of the semifinals, we are giving him a chance to preserve his hundred percent record.”

In other exciting news, Osama bin Laden continues to haunt his wives from beyond the dead. A video has been released, in which an angry Osama yells at his wives, telling them not to remarry, but only have casual relationships. He also goes on to say one-night stands are okay, but he would prefer if they used one of the many look-alikes of Osama himself.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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