This is a guest post written by well-known satire blogger Giribala Joshi, for NTMN.
She blogs at The Grist Mill.
Let me tell you that I have been highly ingenious since early childhood. I spend a great deal of time contemplating, ruminating, and evaluating new ideas for useful products, but when I share an idea with my family or friends, I usually find out from them that it is already available in the market. Had I been born a century earlier, I would have invented or discovered a lot of things. It seems like there is not much left for me.
Still, I am going to keep racking my brain and share my ideas with everyone. After that, it is up to the manufacturers to pick up any of these gems from here and send me royalty cheques in the future.
1. Safety Suit: SOS! Need help! Scientists, innovators, and R&D guys, this is an urgent message for you—please, we do not want advanced weapons of mass destruction or fancy luxury products for individual happiness. We want safety suits to protect us from the impending disasters, be they waterborne, airborne, or the worst and most horrible of them all—Dominique Strauss-Kahn–borne. I don’t know what is going to hit me next.
The safety suit should be a portable capsule with provisions for long-time survival. When needed, the capsule should be able to provide a full body protection with the press of a button. Human bodies are relatively vulnerable despite being at the top of the evolution tree. Even lowly creatures like bugs and turtles have better defence mechanisms than we do.
2. Edible Objects: I am a writer. I sit before a computer, surrounded by newspapers, magazines, books, and piles of junk mail. There is enough food for my brain, but every once in a while—four or five times a day to be precise—my body goes on hunger strikes and compels me to walk to the kitchen, which I absolutely detest. To appease my hunger, and to solve the problem of trash piling up, I want edible newspapers, magazines, and books, which can be savored with maple syrup or hot chilli garlic sauce. Similarly, if somebody started making edible utensils, the problem of dish washing would be solved.
Arms and ammunitions should be edible too—flavoured according to the culinary customs of different regions. Many poor countries receive more military aid than food aid, so when this military supply would percolate to the terrorists, they would be more interested in eating the flavoured, vitamin-fortified guns and bombs rather than killing. This will single-handedly solve the widespread problems of terrorism, malnutrition, and hunger.
3. Pain-O-Meter: Each one of us suffers from some sort of pain—from temporary aches to chronic pains. No one understands your pain unless he or she has gone through the same. And what about the indescribable heartache? Dil hi to hai na sang-o-khisht dard se bhar na aye kyon? It is now proven that getting a burn and getting dumped feels the same. I hope someone starts developing the much-needed pain-o-meter.
4. Pain-to-Energy Converter: With such abundance of pain among our own kind, we should devise ways to convert it into energy for useful work. Pain could be a source of clean and green energy, allowing us to leave a better world for our future generations. Although when such converters become common, we would have to be extremely careful, because like many other inventions, this would be prone to abuse too. The stronger ones could cause pain to the weaker ones to generate energy for their own benefit.
5. Silicone Dolls: Now this was my original idea, until I found out from Wikipedia that these life-like dolls have already existed for past many years. What I can further suggest is that these dolls be made easily available at affordable prices. While all normal people should be able to buy these, the judiciary should make it compulsory for the high profile as well as the pedestrian sex offenders to own them. In India, the government should sell such dolls at subsidised price with a request to kindly stop abusing living beings, who could be scarred for their whole lives once attacked, which is worse than killing someone. I see a huge market for such dolls in India in the near future, since there will be a scarcity of women due to rampant female foeticide/infanticide.
6. Rosy Glasses: Enough of hunger, pain, and abuse. Let us make our world a happy place. Somebody please invent rosy glasses. Whoever wears them should find this world a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic place full of love, warmth, trust, empathy, and truth. Enemies would start loving each other. Terrorists would become social workers. Husbands would find their own wives beautiful. Wives would find their irritating husbands extremely charming and delightful. When you walked out of the house, the garbage dumps would look like flowerbeds. Only, I hope you people won’t start wallowing in the flowers….
Thank you, thank you, and thank you! I can hear the applause. But I think all these wonderful inventions can wait. What I need urgently is a safety suit. Is anyone listening? There is a thunderstorm warning tonight.
Check out some more inventions by fellow Indians:
Photo courtesy: Health Dump