Facebook to be banned in India; government launches its own replacement

By
Kumar Pratik
– June 23, 2011Posted in: The News Pages, The Political Drama

No, do not find us on Facebook. Not if you are in India

Yes, you read it right. In what comes as a massive shock to more than 25 million Facebook users in India, the government has decided to ban the social networking website. If reports are to be believed, the historic decision will be implemented by the first week of July.

Minister for Communications and Information Technology, Kapil Sibal explained the decision at a late night press conference yesterday, “This Facebook thing has gone way out of control, much like the ‘Savita Bhabhi’ fiasco two years ago, when we had to ban that site. (Never mind the proxy servers, which still allow some of my colleagues to check it every now and then.) Coming back to Facebook, the reputation of all our esteemed ministers, most notably the Prime Minister and myself, is being torn to shreds with offensive status messages, obscene photoshopped images, and above all, totally fictitious articles on websites like News That Matters Not.

An uncermonious end to a global phenomenon?

“Moreover,” he continued, “unlike other forms of media, we don’t yet have absolute control upon these social networking sites. Such social platforms are the only thing democratic in this country, and we must move in swiftly to fix this anomaly at once.”

When reporters wondered if it did not suppress freedom of speech, Sibal replied with a sly smile and a chuckle, “You have never had that freedom anyway; you have merely been led into believing that you do.”

He also said, “On a personal note, when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is check out my pictures from the press conferences on the first page of the newspaper. On the other hand, when my children get up, they open Facebook, and check their ‘News Feed’ where more often than not, politicians like myself are made a mockery of. How humiliating is that?”

“Mr Sibal, are you not wary of the public backlash that will most definitely follow this decision?” a female reporter asked.

“You mean sitting on fast unto death? These days, every Tom, Dick and Baba is doing it. As if, it is going to make a difference on our thick-skinned brains. As long as I get my three delicious meals a day, I don’t give a rat’s ass!”

“Sir, you must have some alternate ideas to make up for this sudden removal of a means of communication as vital as Facebook itself?”

“Oh yes, of course. We are going to launch www.upa-book.gov.in. We have already copied the entire Facebook source code line-by-line into our website. The only difference is that we will be able to moderate vulgar comments and pictures about ourselves. As far as the copyright suits are concerned, all Bollywood movies are based on some Hollywood script, yet how many have been sued? None, I guess. Also, in our testing mode, the site has been down ever since we put it up, just like the rest of government sites. But then, who cares, as long as we survive in the office for one more day!” He got up, raised his arms in a triumphant manner and spoke, “Thank you—” (looking around apparently hoping for an applause, shouts disappointed) “—You will thank me for this one day, you insolent fools.”

After the press conference, we decided to check Sibal’s Facebook account. He had just updated his status, “Wow guys, what a kick-ass conference! How many likes?” We firmly believe this decision has something to do with the minister’s not-so-secret love for Orkut, another social networking site that has been extinct from the Indian market for ages now.

P.S.: Check out this link for the actual views Mr. Sibal gave on the topic; this news may not be fictitious in the future after all: http://www.medianama.com/2011/03/223-it-minister-kapil-sibal-on-internet-block-social-media-worries

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By Kumar Pratik
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