Ashish Chaddha, a 17-year-old student from the city of Lucknow was ranked 23 in the JEE merit list and was buzzing with enthusiasm when he revealed the secret behind his selection, “I always knew I would make it into the IITs. For two years, I spent six hours in school, then ten hours studying for JEE, and managed everything else in the remaining eight hours. It wasn’t easy, but my parents were always there for me, pushing me (literally, with a stick and all, you know). And how can I forget my teachers from the coaching institute? Especially Majnoo sir—with his motivational stories such as how he qualified IIT just to earn the love of Ramu panwaala’s daughter or how he decided to quit his engineering after three years solely to pay the bill for his beer and yet managed a life so successful based on those three years! I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the director, producer—” (abruptly stopping, when he realized that he had been watching way too many film award shows).
We were quite intrigued with the personality of Majnoo sir and asked him for his views on the whole topic—“IITs ARE SHIT!” was his opening line, after which he gradually settled into the rhythm and unleashed a succession of bizarre ideas. “When I was in IIT” (why does everyone start with “When I was…”), it was different. We were respected, we were honoured, and the food was delicious. Cigarettes and beers used to be available inside the campus, which was a huge relief. Even the quality of weed was way better than being offered in campuses these days. Moreover, our female counterparts were hot, unlike the bookworms and the nerdy girls nowadays.” The reporter felt he had had enough and decided to part ways with one last question—“Which subject do you teach—Physics, Chemistry or Maths?”
“Duh, I teach how to read the mind of the examiner and hit tukkas with 100% efficiency in exams,” he declared.
Jitender Kalra and Geeta Kalra, the parents of Shambhavi Kalra, who failed to qualify in the Merit List, also offered their views—“We saw this coming ever since the day we caught her reading Five Point Someone concealed inside her Mathematics book. No good can come out of reading a book by an Indian author, her teachers tell she should rely more on foreign text. More so, a book about getting kicked out of IIT when you are trying to get into one. In fact, we never should have given her the Nokia X8, the iPod Touch, the Sony Vaio laptop, or the Scooty Pep in the first place. But, we should not blame her, the precious angel, it’s not her fault. It’s all due to that piece-of-crap-boyfriend she has, who in turn is committed to at least five more girls. Speaking of girls, IITs are way beyond anything a girl’s mind can fathom, it’s not like JEE is a ‘Match the boys and girls from your class’ questionnaire. We haven’t decided on her future yet, she probably doesn’t have one, but we probably will end up paying most of our hard-earned black money to one of those private engineering colleges that take students in bulk.”
Minister for Human Resource Degradation Kapil Sibal, when asked about the inconsistencies in the JEE paper including incorrect questions worth thirty-six marks and how the marking for these questions was done, replied with a smug smile and revealed the reasons. “Nobody understood my master-plan! When people first came up to me with briefcases full of cash, in order to tweak the results of their wards, I was apprehensive. But, later I came up with this bright idea of tweaking the question paper itself. Just like last year, when the marking scheme was incorrect in the Hindi version of the question paper, we put in incorrect questions this time around again. All the aspirants who had given me money had been informed beforehand that they were to attempt all these incorrect questions, a list of which was already provided to them. While the honest, innocent, and deserving student did not attempt the question considering it to be incorrect, the cheat gained ground and scored an advantage of ‘thirty-six’ marks.”
We also caught up with a DU student, now in her second year to provide her views on the whole IIT hype. “I hate IITs, I hate IITians. And, we have nothing to feel envious about. DU is a world-class university; only worthy students come to study here, it’s not like we take anyone who applies (Or is it?)! Moreover, have you ever seen the dressing style of those IITians? I mean, it’s disgusting. Thank God I didn’t end up there, or this—” (pointing to her short skirt, and her spiky hairdo) “—would never have happened.”
And, in other related news, Narayana and Aakash Institue have filed lawsuits against each other for claims about a JEE ranker’s coaching stint in the past two years. FIIT-JEE, meanwhile, has claimed that the boy in contention has actually studied there, and that they have the proof to back it. Whatever be the result, this is going to be one dirty fight!