#Politics Staff Picks - Archived

Fasting—the Modern-Day Brahmastra

Tinku Malhotra (refer yesterday’s news report: Not on JEE merit list, student goes on fast to force IITs to take him), a not-so-diligent student from Bangalore was much depressed after the JEE results, as he could not make it even in the 137th IIT, that was opened recently—IIT Timbuktu—and why wouldn’t he? After all, he had slogged for years, from Class 9th to 12th, in FIIT-JEE’s classroom coaching. Then one fine day, while surfing through news channels, it all occurred to him, the perfect plan, the way to his goal—the fasting way. He’ll just go on a fast and coerce the government into taking him in IIT, simple!

Relatives who had come to mock at his failure and hide that of their own wards’, had to join him; media came in because they had to cover anything and everything; seeing the media get involved, many more people came in, who had no idea what the original thing was all about, but just wanted to be seen on TV. So hence it began, the whole fasting endeavour of Tinku.

As reported yesterday, Pigvijay Singh and P Chidambaram have come out openly to announce that it’s all an RSS conspiracy like every other problem that India has had till now. Pigvijay Singh also said that to him, even the Mumbai terror attacks of 26/11 seem an RSS conspiracy and Kasab-Ji has nothing to do with it. He added that last night he had a heated telephonic conversation with the RSS Guruji M. S. Golwalker (born 1906, died 1973) about this, and he has asked the Home Ministry to issue an arrest warrant against Golwalker. Chidambaram has promised to do so, as soon as he can spare the police from all the night action over the fasts. Chidambaram also said, “What’s the need of all this protest through fasts, when citizens in India are already empowered with the voting power! Just vote, and wait for five (or less or more… remember emergency?) years, when you can exercise your power again.”

This time DoggyVijay Singh wore nailed Sholay shoes

During their press conference, both were seen wearing weird headgears, and the journalists were politely asked (politely, by police, yes!) to take off their shoes outside the venue. Doggy-Vijay Singh was also seen sporting the nailed Sholay shoes which Thakur had worn towards the end of the movie to thrash Gabbar with. He was seen murmuring to a colleague that he was prepared for any Sunil Kumar and this time it wouldn’t be just normal kicks that the assailant would be receiving from him. 

Kapil Sibal, on the other hand, came out with a theory of ‘Zero Black Money’ along with the lines of his earlier prevalent theory of the ‘Zero Loss’ during the 2G incident (he wouldn’t call it a scam with “zero loss”). He also mentioned Sonia’s much hyped and religiously followed theory of ‘Zero Tolerance’ over corruption. He added that just like a ‘happy woman’ and a ‘satisfied manager’, Black Money is a myth.

BJP on the other hand, to steal its share of TRPs for media, has dispatched a dance party comprising Sushma Swaraj with the addition of the dramatics veteran Uma Bharati to Tinku’s house to express their support. When asked by a journalist how this helped Tinku, Arun Jaitley articulated, “Well, at least by looking at the dance performance of our very own Munni and Sheila and their Kamar ke Lachke, Tinku will learn a thing or two about the Rotational Movement, which supposedly is the toughest topic in JEE Physics syllabus, so if the government doesn’t award him an IIT seat this time over, he can crack it by himself the next year.”

Meanwhile, Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari was seen going from channel to channel giving his pre-planned age-old impromptu arguments defending the government’s doing. He was last seen providing the same arguments on Vividh Bharti when television was not a household entity.

A group of feminists, all from Toronto and Amsterdam, who have come for the first time in India and have no idea about its socio-economic conditions and its problems approached Tinku to provide him more suited, easy-to-implement, attention-grabbing and pragmatic solutions upon the condition that he first help them organize their Slut Walk in New Delhi on June 25.

Tinku's inspiration

At the site of Tinku’s agitation, a reporter, who had woken up at midnight to answer the nature’s call passed by the sleeping Tinku, and he was surprised to see Tinku sleeping in a pink tube top and a pencil mini-skirt. Tinku woke up by the sound of the journalist’s footsteps, all dishevelled and shouting, “I surrender, please don’t beat me and no tear gases, I surrender!” However, P Chidambaram denied that there were any plans for the police to ‘swoop in’ during the midnight. He, in fact, insisted that they have deployed 20 policemen to safeguard Tinku’s (peaceful and non-violent) protest, which was ironic as the only safety he needed was from the police. 

Sachin Tendulkar, sympathized with Tinku, wished him all the best while simultaneously suggesting him that he should really not follow all these “IIT thingy” blindly and instead become an actor like him—that is where the real money as well as additional tax benefits are. On being pointed out by someone that being an engineer was even better, if then by mistake he went into core job, he’ll never have to pay any taxes as he will always stay below the taxable income bar. Sachin immediately called up his CA and asked if his profession can be changed to being Mechanical Engineer, say, in Philips.

Indian stand-in skipper Suresh Raina has said that the reason the fire seems to be missing in Indian bowling and batting for the tour of West Indies, making the T20s look like one-dayers, the one-dayers look like Tests and God-forbid, Tests will look like death, is that the entire team is on a fast, protesting against the BCCI to make them scrap off all these international tours and instead have two seasons of IPL in a year.

Steve Jobs has seen this as an opportune moment to clear out his last stock of iPhone in India before he launches iPhone 5 and organized an ad-hoc web-based conference and announced the new Apple app to calculate your  ‘Fast Quotient’,  which shall be available for download in the app store for just $11.99. With this, he said the iPhone 4’s ad in India will be changed to accommodate and highlight this app and the tagline changed to “If you don’t have an iPhone, you can’t fast” from existing “If you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone,” which he nonchalantly admitted is stupid really.

A concerned mom has sent her 9-year-old, who had just come after watching Kung Fu Panda 2 and was all ga-ga over ‘inner peace’ that he wanted to achieve, to Rajghat so that he could witness and learn the heightened, all-powerful and modern skills of fasting to achieve anything in today’s world. She retorted that fasting was the second most effective way after the Rudraksh Suraksha Kawach sold by the telemarketing companies and all the ‘inner peace’ was nothing but movie bullshit.

An excited TV reporter confided in secrecy that, “Man, this fasting thing is just awesome; we don’t have to dig for news anymore or even Google for it. We just run the same frame of the protesting crowd from five different angles all day long. Moreover the viewership has increased, seems like people really believe this is going to change things… hah. Now don’t tell anyone but if Anna, Baba and Tinku call it quits at some point of time, we have plans to organize sponsored and scripted ‘real’ fasts the ‘Truman Show’ style, just to create the news and to sustain the ever increasing news industry.”

He further continued, “And it’s not like that the Indian people, so accustomed with the soaps and the reality shows, can actually tell the difference. Also all it takes to organize a scripted fast is willing and needy people with a high tolerance for hunger and police remand, a burning or not so burning issue, a deaf, smug and incompetent government and a Head of State who’s never ever seen. India has no dearth of the any of the above ingredients. I’m telling you, we are in business for good!” He went away while instructing his cameramen to change to angle of shooting.

PS: I am not mentioning anything about Manmohan Singh, because I don’t write about fictional characters.

About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.


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