Inter-departmental course combining Medicine and Astrology, set to break placement records

Population is proportional to insanity, isn't it

As newer courses are beginning to be introduced every single day so as to accommodate the growing population of youth in the country; inter-departmental programmes are the trump cards in the hands of several colleges. Recently introduced programme, Bachelor of Medicine and Astrological Sciences (BMAS), happens to be a sought-after course with cut-offs almost as high as 100%. The Director of AIIMS (Allahabad Institute of Medical Sciences) tells us, “Astrology is playing a key role in our activities these days. We were not known in this country until we added the extra ‘I’ in our abbreviation and became very popular thereafter. Thanks to our astrologers.”

Agreeing to the Director’s words, the Head of the Department of BMAS said, “Everything in this world is related to the movement of the sun, the moon and the stars. One of my students who finished with a crash course in BMAS this month, under my guidance, was able to predict the death of the patient 5 hours in advance and issued a death certificate while the patient was still alive.”

BMAS is also offered in premier institutes such as Mathura University for Medical and Physiological Sciences (MUMPS). At MUMPS, students are trained to predict outcomes and side-effects of treatments based on the planetary movements during the course of medication and other allied factors. In fact, newly admitted year-I student Andolan Singh who is very excited after choosing BMAS said, “This is a very different programme and combines the use of astrology in medicine. There is just so much to learn in this course that most of the content is even unheard of. There are no textbooks available and we have a comprehensive curriculum that combines theory with practice.”

An excited dad Bose D. K. praised his son for saving the life of his grandfather. His wife Sarla completely agrees with him and says that her son advised the chief doctor at a leading hospital to place an apple and a lemon on either sides of the door that led to the doctor’s consultation room.

From the position of the patient in the operation theatre, to the number of nurses that should accompany the doctor, Medical Astrology provides the “safest” answers to the most idiotic of questions. Recent research findings also reveal that aspects such as the colour of the bandage to be used on patients and the number of stitches to sew a wound could severely affect the healing process.

Union Minister for Everything Hazardous, Kapil Sibal has urged several medical colleges across the country to start this programme by the next academic session. He added, “This will be great exposure for Swamijis across to the country to openly earn large sums of money through guest lectures in these institutes. In fact, as an introductory offer, Babas who have (or claim to have) undergone formal teachers’ training will be given fringe benefits such as their income tax being waived for the first year.”

With growing number of students who appear seemingly interested in these programmes, several foreign collaborations can also be expected in the near future. Campus placements already provide a lucrative picture, with leading television companies like Star News, India TV, Sahara Samay, Aaj Tak, Aastha TV, etc announcing they would give students starting packages of Rs 15 lakh for wearing the look of a fraudster and maintaining it for an hour on TV, while taking calls from idle minds across the country.

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Swaroop Sriram

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