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On all those who shall do everything (?) to protect us from terrorists


India witnessed horrific scenes in the form of serial blasts in Mumbai earlier this week. Whilst this is a matter of serious concern, we attempt to mock at some of the people responsible for it, in order to bring the readers’ attention to the matter. Yes, these are the people responsible. Not the underworld, not the terrorists. 

The First Man in India, the honourable (LOL) Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh went on record to say in a press conference a day after the attack, “The government will do everything to prevent attacks in the future.” (Why not the present? Why not the past?) When a reporter quipped that this was similar to what he had said after 26/11, the PM agreed, “Yes, I know, but that’s the protocol. I am not designed to use my brain, especially on matters as sensitive as this.” The reporter became curious at the PM’s response and asked him another question, which got the firm response, “No, I am not bound by the three laws of robotics!” When reports last came in, the government and its ministers were doing (link) and saying (link) just about everything, as promised by their head, the nation’s headache.

Our Prime Minister did everything, indeed, to condemn the attack. He had the support from the lady at the back, and the so-necessary umbrella at the top.

When asked how the government would respond to this atrocious act of terrorism, Singh took a deep breath and responded calmly. “We will issue all Pakistanis visas to our country, so they shall not have any trouble visiting here and continuing this incessant assault as they please.” At a visibly confused audience after the statement, the PM elaborated. “We are non-violent people. If someone invades our country, causes massive destruction and still asks us to bend over, we will do that, for we are Gandhi’s—“ (Mahatma’s or Sonia’s?) “—descendants. In fact, this time we won’t even give them the chance to ask; we will bend over ourselves. Ultimately, they will realize the power of our non-violence. We shall not retaliate, as we were born without balls. Oops, did I say that out loud?”

Rahul Gandhi, who recently changed his “Youth Icon” status to “Kids’ Icon” (news story), also expressed his views (as opening his mouth might any day lead him to become the next Prime Minister of India). “99% terror strikes have been prevented. How can you believe, you ask? You have my word  and it counts for something.  All that bullshit I shout about on the mike at the time of elections, you folks believe that, don’t you. Then why not this as well?”

A mediaperson reminded Mr. Gandhi that there had been no terror attack in the United States after the 9/11 strike whereas India often faced the menace. the reply came with a straight face: “You think we are just sitting up here, doing nothing, other than coming up with outlandish claims? As a matter of fact, you are right, but that does not change the fact that we are not neglecting the country. I, myself, keep multitasking and am online 24×7 through my phone. So, even when I’m busy posing for some cameras, with my fake smile and the sensitive make-up on my skin, at some arbitrary Dalit’s house, the PM can always strike up a chat on my GTalk account, although I understand he would much rather chat with my mother (here’s how).

Meanwhile, accompanying accompanied by Manmohan Singh,  the First Lady of the country, Congress party leader Sonia Gandhi visited some of the victims of the blasts in the Mumbai hospitals, and offered her deepest condolences, since they count for a lot and since the government has Zero Tolerance to terrorism.

Union Home Minister, P. Chidambaram explained why India couldn’t anticipate the attack, “Yes, we do have a couple of intelligence agencies. Yes, they are in a perfectly working condition. And yes, they could not gather any intelligence whatsoever about the blasts. It is obvious that we lack the intelligence to gather intelligence.

“But, there is no reason for panic, there never is. We will set up a dozen new agencies, pass hundreds of bills, use this opportunity to reshuffle our Cabinet and accommodate worse ministers (there is scope for worse, has to be) and well, bide our time in the office until the next election. Peace to all!”

Folks, yes, these are the ones responsible for the Mumbai attacks. Make no mistake. They deserve all our disrespect, they deserve to be made a mockery out of. Because, sometimes it pains to call myself an Indian.


About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

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