Afzal Guru, Kasab may be hanged after their deaths, assures President Patil

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President Pratibha Patil, in a remarkably successful effort to say something, has assured the citizens that terrorists Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab may be hanged to death some time after their natural deaths. The two are accused of attacking the Parliament House and for being involved in the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, respectively. “There is no reason to worry. I don’t understand why I am accused of not taking any action. I assure you that there will soon be a decision, and you may be seeing Afzal Guru getting hanged as soon as he dies, if you are yourself alive by then.” Mrs. Patil also said she didn’t have a “magic wand” to use as a rope to hang people with.

Not yet. Let them die first.

Amid criticism that there has been no concrete action by the President on Afzal Guru’s hanging yet, who was sentenced to death centuries ago, she actually said (our reporters saw her talk, and we have evidence she talked), “I really want to do something for the nation. They ask me about why Afzal Guru has not been hanged yet, when it is in my hands. Well, the 20 years’ time taken to hang the assassins of Rajiv Gandhi should not be taken so seriously. It must not be interpreted as even a remote hint that we will hang convicts so quickly in future.”

Afzal Guru has yet to live about 40 years, she told the nation, and it is “really impossible” to hang him before he actually dies. Patil, whose Wikipedia article has just one paragraph about her presidency, but a dozen paragraphs about her controversies, explained her attitude, ”Rajiv Gandhi’s killers are going to be hanged on September 9, but if they come to plead mercy from me, I’ll not give any mercy at all. I may just postpone their hanging after their death.”

The address to the nation consisted of a long pause when everyone fell silent after the President said she had not heard about Anna Hazare, so didn’t have any opinion or way to guide the nation in the current situation, as the First Citizen.