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President Obama threatens to nuke S&P, wants his ‘A’ back


In a historic public address here at D.C. yesterday, U.S. President Barack Obama made it abundantly clear that he shall tolerate no nonsense, whether it is from terrorists or international rating agencies. “Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears,” he said. The President’s speech-writer is away on a holiday with his mistress, and could not be contacted at such short notice. The White House was thus forced to turn to the world’s most reliable source for inspirational dialogue. “The good that men do is oft interred with their bones; the evil lives after them. (And since as far as “good” is concerned I’m an also-ran, “evil” it shall be.) We are pleased to announce that we have sent a dispatch to Standard & Poor’s commanding them to return our ‘A’ within the next forty-eight hours, failing which we shall nuke them.

“Our highly capable defence research team has come up with nuclear warheads that are capable of highly selective annihilation within a low area-of-impact. They will never know what hit them (literally!). We have been waiting for a chance to test them out (what with Laden out of the picture now and Saddam long gone), and this provides us with the perfect opportunity. Soon the world will bow down before U.S. military superiority, but that’s not the point here.” There was no evil laughter or sarcastic intent in what he said. Grim statements of fact.

“How would you like to be called the US of      ? They have stolen our ‘A’, and we shall have it back! It is not only a matter of national pride, but of paramount international importance as well. The world is debt-ridden, and the onus is on US (of A) to maintain our financial integrity and show the way out of yet another crisis. We shall save the world, as we have been doing since Jesus retired, as we did in Iraq, and quite a while back in Kuwait; but we do not rest on past laurels. Standard & Poor’s have questioned our sovereign integrity and our position as the world leader. Now they shall know what it really means to be poor!” Obama sent an apparently strong message.

President Obama has called for S&P to return the A immediately.

Although parts of it didn’t make sense, the crowd was firmly behind each and every word the President said. Later, in the press conference, someone asked, “Is this really possible? Will there not be any repercussions?” The President, in a genial mood after his re-term election speech (that is what it really was, I think), replied, “We have been manipulating the UN and flamboyantly flouting every rule for the last ten years. What makes you think this shall be any different? In fact, I have heard that S&P plan to demote us to ‘D’ if we don’t solve our debt crisis immediately. This shows the importance of fast and decisive action.” As an afterthought, he added, “Although USD wouldn’t be that bad…” and then, as it suddenly dawned on him, “But isn’t that our currency?! Funny, huh!” Snapping out of his reverie (just as suddenly) he made clear his intentions once again. “It grieves me deeply, but this has to be done. How dare they? And do you know why it hurts the most? They didn’t ask me once…not even once! No. Such behaviour shall not be tolerated.”

Soon, he was bored. (Something seemed to distract him. May be Michelle was shopping again.) He made an attempt to pacify the room and said to no-one in general, “All of you are confusing the improbable with the impossible. If Bush can be re-elected, why not me?” (He had a point there, obviously.) The President left immediately after, and I went in search of a correspondent from Standard & Poor’s.

He was not hard to find, and very cordial. Between puffs on a cigar, I was told that S&P planned to immediately outsource all its functions to the US firm(s) and go on an indefinite leave. “We are the guardians of truth. We do not shirk from our responsibility of calling a spade a U…sorry…spade. We have done what is right, and it shall stay that way. In any case I have a fully stocked wine-cellar and sufficient bank balance to patiently wait out the recession.”

There was more, but I still haven’t received my travel compensation; and one can do only so much without proper incentive. Also, it appears that Manmohan had something to say on Independence Day. (Apart from the national Pledge.) I absolutely MUST get the “scoop” on that!


About the author

Saswata

To be, or not to be: that's the question

1 Comment

  • lol nice one..”as we have been doing since Jesus retired..” lol.but watch out,u website owners,if he read this one he can nuke u too 😉

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