#Youth Offbeat

[Columns] The Madhouse of Status Updates


There are moments in your life when you read the most ridiculous of status messages, but you decide to play it safe, when you graciously comment “Nice, dude” while every fibre of your body is willing you to retort, “Dude, WTF is wrong with you?” And you decide to take the morally high ground, refusing to spend your time berating such hapless fools.

Obviously, this is not going to be one of those moments.

Yes! This is a hate rant. This is not an attack on those imbecile morons who send text messages stating that you would be dead by midnight if you don’t forward it. This isn’t even about those who post “best brother week” statuses every second week. No! This one is for the ones who actually believe that their precious statuses are witty and life changing (not unlike my views of this post, :D). Believe me, these ARE statuses that my frands (that’s what I call them) put up.

1. “lazy”
You managed to drag your ass all the way to your laptop, login to Facebook, and then have the gall to type “lazy”?

2. “sad…”
It wasn’t “I’m so sad because…” or “It’s so sad that…”. Not that it would have made much of a difference, but if you are going to come up with lame statuses, at least do us a favour by being grammatically correct. But NO! You had to go with ‘sad *dot* *dot* *dot*’. Why didn’t you just jump off your balcony instead?

3. “after 3 dayz of searching…. finally got my acco…. nd its \m/”
As a metal head, I take offence to that. Your acco was \m/ ?? Seriously? The Devil’s Horns? I wonder if you’ll be smiling when they get stuck up your ass. Don’t even get me started on the ‘dayz’ bit of it.

4. “Is disappointed after hp7! so many good scenes cut out! now u pls dont disappoint me breaking dawn 🙁
A Twihard. Need I say more?

5. “ive successfully tanned my elbows”
Trust me, there are more difficult places to get a tan. Figure them out and then boast.

6. “I want the older version of chat box back!!!”
Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure Mark Zuckerberg will be right on it. After all, if YOU say that the old chat box is to be brought back, who is he to deny you?

7. “katy perry is coming to seattle….and performing live at Key arena….this is the biggest thing in my life after the Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader fight”
I know it might be hard to digest, but a guy posted this. A 20 year old guy, born 8 years AFTER the Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader fight. And seriously? You picked that over Anakin vs Obi Wan / Obi Wan vs Darth Maul?

8. “How does one get a kitten?”
(I go against my better judgement by posting this, but What the hell 😛 )

Idiot!

Screw the kitten (Oh, not literally!). You know what you need to get? You need to get a life!
9. “I love my new haircut”

And I love my new Swiss Army knife. Care to come out and play?

10. “like thIS if u HVe gutz,.!!!!”
The lows people will stoop to for grabbing attention! Dude! You need to see a shrink.

11. “Muffins”
Respect. Mixed with hatred. Since I was forced to read this while eating corn flakes.

Another one goes thus.

As you may recall, serial bomb blasts shook the city of Mumbai (again) last month. There was an eruption of sympathy for the victims and an outcry for an explanation from the government. While all this happened, there were those dolts who put up statuses describing how they narrowly escaped the blasts.

What is the reader supposed to say to that? Congratulate you for your bravery for shooing away(?) the blast from yourself? This is absolutely preposterous, insulting to the victims and their grieving families.

Am I irrational? Perhaps. Am I full of disgust at these statuses? Definitely. Will I take the post down if you beg me to? Too right, I won’t.

P. S.: This should serve as a Disclaimer of sorts. The statuses mentioned above, while seemingly real, are fake. True Story.The author is not responsible for any hurt sentiments or the like. If you truly believe that one of these statuses IS actually yours, then good news. Looks like there’s two of you in this world. Hurray!

P. P. S.: This is being written by the person sitting beside the author while the article was being written. The Author read the line above and realized it sounded rather gay. In shock and horror, he killed himself. Those reading this, feel free to go “There There”.


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Vijay Narayan

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