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Here is Congress’s gift for you this Independence Day: A Monarchy called India


Let me tell you: all these scams had an ulterior motive—much more than amassing money. They were all social experiments conducted with the help of a group of scientists and psychologists, to study and see if the people of India were actually capable of any protest or cognitive thinking of their own. And I’m very happy to tell you that they have generated favourable results—favourable to us of course. You see, the Prime Minister is the representative of the society. And so he is, we discovered: people are as powerless as the Prime Minister.

We have had it from trustworthy sources in the Congress, that tomorrow at the Red Fort, the Prime Minister plans to announce that the government will renounce democracy, and accept monarchy as the way forward for India. We had a chance to speak with the Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari regarding the same. He seemed to be in a highly pleasant and in a “lemme-reveal-it-all-you-can’t-do-anything-to-me” mood. Here are the excerpts of the candid interview.

This Independence Day, the Prime Minister will unknowingly read out some new measures finalised by his government: one being the renunciation of India the democracy.

NTMN: So is it true then that we will no longer be a democracy, 15th August 2011 onwards?
Tewari: You make it sound like it’s a drastic and significant change. Let’s not make a big deal out of it, it’s nothing but a mere change of the label—re-branding of the already existing system.

I mean, how long do you want the country to live in the denial? We already are in a monarchy. People have already accepted Rahul Gandhi as their next Prime Minister, without him ever having done or achieved anything at all for the country, or even showing as much as a mere inclination towards it! Isn’t it proof enough that monarchy is what the Common Man wants?

Q: Well, what about Anna’s fast starting on the 16th?
A: That is another reason for switching; we want to kill two birds with one stone. Firstly the switch to monarchy will put an end to debates of these kinds: Are Gandhis the best people to rule? Why only Gandhi in a country of 1.2 billions? When will Congress get out of the Gandhis’ shadow? etc. Let’s be honest with ourselves, these are all futile discussions, which waste a lot of time for everyone, when in the end we all know it’s a Gandhi who is going to rule.

Secondly, the biggest argument that Anna Hazare’s brigade has been perpetuating in support of the fast is that in a democracy it’s their birthright to assemble peacefully and protest. We agree, but in the democracy,…. (winks) ‘Na rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri’.

Q: But what about people of India, you cannot force anything down on them?
A: (laughs uncontrollably) What about the people of India, huh? For ourselves, people are bloody fools. Did and could they do anything when we committed corruption after corruption? Madhu Kodas, Sharad Pawars, Spectrum Scams, CWGs, Adarsh Housing scams and many more before that and many more to come. Did they do anything when the previous Kings and Queens executed Emergencies and Sikh killings, etc.?

Let me tell you one thing in confidence: all these scams had an ulterior motive—much deeper than amassing money. They were all social experiments conducted with the help of a group of scientists and psychologists, to study and see if the people of India were actually capable of any protest or cognitive thinking of their own, to see if they can actually garner any will power to change the system when they are pushed to their limits. And I’m very happy to tell you that they have generated favourable results—favourable to us of course. You see, the Prime Minister is the representative of the society. And so he is, we discovered: people are as powerless as the Prime Minister. All this was in the preparation of the day when we announce the shift from the democracy to the monarchy.

Q: Umm… err… you have me speechless, what about the Opposition then?
A: Which Opposition are you talking about? That Opposition?—the number of years of whose reign, out of the 64 years since Independence, amounts to a single digit? The BJP?—which cannot even settle their internal issues, who can’t decide between Jaitley-Shushma-Modi-Gadkari and where Advani still seems to be waiting in a corner. Or are you talking about the BSPs-RJDs-Mulayams-Amars, who we can buy off any time we wish… didn’t we show it to you back in 2008?

Forget about Common Man, it pains my heart when I see even intellectuals like you living in the denial. No it doesn’t. I’m just kidding, we couldn’t care less about you or the Common Man or the Opposition.

Q: Seems like you have it all worked out, but it takes some time for people to acclimatise to any new system, suppose they still go ahead with the fast and the protest, what is your action plan for that?
A:  No no, you are thinking too much into it. Let me tell you why this fast won’t catch up as the one in April did. The April one was a new thing, people especially those with Facebook and Twitter accounts were highly enthusiastic about it, so were the news channels. But now with so many fasts having happened in the last few months, the enthusiasm has dropped, the Facebook/Twitter people have exhausted all their jokes and witty remarks and the news channels have gone banal. It’s the same as the scams, people initially made a big deal out of the CWG scam, but when we increased the number of it, they didn’t even notice the last few.

So come 16th, all of them will be sitting comfortably in front of the TV glued to news channels, wanting to see what Anna is doing for them and hoping someone else is supporting him.

Q: But what if your theory goes wrong and people still come to streets nonetheless, would you arrest them and put them in the jails as Anna has suggested being the last option?
A: That won’t be necessary; we have a contingency plan for that. If everything goes out of the hands, we’ll rig and ensure that India wins the 4th Test match against England, which starts August the 18th. That is all it takes for your “Common Man” to be satisfied with his life, they’ll forget everything else.

Our biggest worry right now is not Anna but to get Rahul married to a “girl” otherwise we will face the vacuum of the King/Queen 40 years down the line.


About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.

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