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“Indians who love other Indians” declared a minority group; report proposes aarakshan for them

Vindicating the reports from the National Survey Commission, the Human Resource Development Ministry on Wednesday declared “Indian Indophiles” (Indians who love India and other Indians) as a minority group in the nation. The number of Indophiles of Indian origin (“Desi Indophiles”) has fallen sharply in the last two decades. While a good 40 percent of the Indian population was declared Indophilic in the Mandal Commission report which identified minorities in 1980, the number has plummeted to a meagre 0.7 percent in 2011. “It is disappointing that Indians have stopped loving their own people,” said the report.

Experts believe that an array of mindless mercenary policies, burgeoning corruption, and Government’s apathy are the major factors responsible for this decline. It is feared that this “minority” group will soon be extinct if special attention (and largesse) is not provided to it.

Indians no longer love India or Indians. Indophiles are a minority.

Giving the matter prime importance (as it is given to do for most “issues”), the HRD ministry suo moto (without being goaded prompted by the Supreme Court, for a change) decided to include the “Indophiles (of Indian origin)” in the Minority List. Indophiles, like all other minority groups, will now be eligible for ten percent quota at all Government institutions, with a special preference for promotions. The private sector has also been asked to reserve seven percent seats in their organisations/institutions exclusively for the Indophiles. Taking it a step further, the Indophiles will now also receive  a fifteen percent reservation in the Indian Cricket team and Defence forces— “a first-of-its-kind initiative to promote Indian values among the decadent young Indians”, as told by the ministry spokesperson.

Though yet to formalize a draft regarding the criteria required for a person to be declared an Indophile, the report has recommended a list of “must-haves”. The first few points as leaked to the general public, are:

  1. Should be so loyal to the government’s policies, that the person is a Kasabophile before being an Indophile.
  2. Should be a citizen of India. “Half-Indians” will not be considered, whether Katrina Kaif or Rahul Gandhi.
  3. Must have the ability to distinguish the Indian National Flag from the Italian flag.
  4. Should be forever earnest to burn/beat/boycott anyone/anything mortal or not, living or otherwise  in the name of protecting Indian culture.
  5. Should not be able to elaborate or even enumerate the work done by Honourable President Smt. Pratibha Devisingh Patil.
  6. Should readily be able to blame Pakistan for everything ranging from Global Warming to Rakhi ka Swayamwar.
  7. Should have a certified phobia of standing in queues.
  8. Should have at time of application attained at least Braindead-Believer status in the Holy Order of Cricket Heroes (HOOCH) Cult, particularly in the Sri Sri Sachin Tendulkar’s Divine Powers Sect.
  9. Should have an “I Love India” Tattoo, anywhere above the waist.
  10. Should have watched Gadar, LOC, Maa Tujhe Salaam, and Border. Attested copies of all hall tickets will be required for the same.
  11. Should be a fan of Manoj Kumar and should be able to produce legal documents supporting the same.
  12. Should attack with stones the homes of as many cricketers as possible after a World Cup loss, and should declare them Indophobic (India-haters).
  13. Most importantly, should be a regular viewer of India TV—the TV channel named in the honour of India and which has full support of the Information and Broadcasting Ministry.

The list consists of an exhaustive fifty points in all. It is believed the final draft regarding the prerequisites and procedure for registering as an Indophile should be out one week before the Assembly elections.

The proposal has been welcomed by everyone alike. The main opposition party NDA expressed its pleasure at the report. L. K. Advani said, “This is a welcome step and will be helpful in enhancing the spirit of patriotism and in protecting our pious, pristine Bhartiya Sanskriti. We however feel that this should have been done years ago. Even now the proposal has come from the HRD and not PMO; I reiterate that the Prime Minister is impotent.”

Though the Government’s intentions appear to be honest, it remains to be seen how fruitful this step proves towards saving our apparently dying culture. With experts fearing it being too little, too late, and authorities portraying fervent sanguinity, it will be interesting to see how things turn out for India, after the Bill is finally implemented. One can only hope that this quota will be implemented in its rightful spirit and every step will be taken to ensure that only genuine Indophiles benefit from it.

About the author

Arun Maithani

Hi everyone, I am Arun from Delhi. I am pursuing my bachelors degree from Delhi College of Engineering. I love writing satires and other humorous articles. Other than writing I enjoy reading, trekking and travelling.

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