#Society #Women

To prevent crime against women, burqas made compulsory at all public places


In a revolutionary move, the Parliament has passed a Bill which necessitates every woman/girl living on Indian soil, above the age of five to wear a burqa at all times when outside their houses. The new law now provides every Indian woman with another significant (?) right, “The Right to Burqa”. Anticipating a sudden rush for the burqa market, it has been decided that each woman will have two weeks to arrange one for herself.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Bill was passed following the shocking results of a survey last year. According to the survey, conducted among Indian males, more than 120% of all women are sexually attractive, and are hence, prone to acts of molestation and sexual abuse. The fat figure of 120% accounts for the fact that some women are more prone than others, owing to their “slim and hot figure” among other reasons. This led to speculation among some that being fully covered was the only way out.

There have been statements from well-known people that women shouldn't go out at night, and shouldn't wear provocative clothes.

As anticipated, there was widespread unrest and confusion among the masses when the news got out. The Minister of Gnaw and Just Tease! Law and Justice, Salman Khurshid elucidated on the matter, “The law is crystal clear. If you are a woman, you should be fully covered whenever you step out of your house. It is for your own safety, no need for all this fuss.” He further went on to explain the reasons behind this drastic measure, “In the past, the Ministry had been under fire for enunciating that girls should not wear provocative clothes. They didn’t stop, it is only logical that men didn’t either. But, what now? If you defy the law, you will end up in jails. We encourage women to abide by the law with this catchy slogan—NO SKIN, NO SIN!”

Many women came forward to express their resentment over the law. A vocal activist opined, “If containing libido is the motive, why not come up with a law of free porn for men instead? This is preposterous. Do they really believe the entire Indian women population will just start wearing a burqa, come tomorrow?” When she was reminded that the law applied even to foreigners on Indian soil, she chuckled with derision. “Firangees in Burqas, are you kidding me? All they know is to wear a two-piece bikini to some beach, and lay half-naked while men ogle at them!”

Another commoner, a college-going boy, who looked like he had just been through a break-up, spoke to us on the issue. “It serves them right, these girls, who with their charms (skin-show?) catch innocent men like me in their web of lust. Thanks to this radical move, they will no longer be able to flaunt their assets flawless skin to achieve their ends.”

Multiplex and discotheque owners seem to be the ones hit the hardest by the law. “Oh my god! Who will come to discos, malls or multiplexes dressed in a burqa? The main reason our market thrives is because women wear short, revealing dresses, thereby unknowingly(?) attracting swarms of desperate men. Which woman, in her right mind, will dance to fast, rhythmic music clad in a burqa? And, which sane man will want to dance alongside her? Tell me this is just a joke, please!”

Our reporters caught up with a man in jail, convicted for a case of sexual abuse for how he thought this innovative move could affect people with insane desires like his. It was only when he was tired of trying to entice our female reporter into his cell that he started talking on the issue. “Do you really think this is going to make a difference? Men like myself find things that we cannot have easily more alluring than things we can. If anything, the law will only increase the cases of abuse, because of the mystery surrounding a woman in a burqa.” He finished with a disgusting grin.

Also, the law has not gone down well with the corporate sector, which has lately been experiencing a huge influx of female employees. Vijay Mallya was visibly agitated by the news. “So now, my Kingfisher’s air-hostesses will have to wear burqas in the plane? This is ridiculous! I am going to sue Manmohan Singh and his girlfriend (?) right away. Take this as a word from an honest (?) liquor baron, who also happens to be a Rajya Sabha MP.” Moments later, a sudden realization seemed to have dawned upon him. Mallya ran out of breath as he asked us, “What about my Deepika and Katrina, will they have to wear burqas too?” He regained his calm only when reminded that they need not be fully covered in the bedroom.

Apparently, the news has hurt religious sentiments of some sections of the society, who insist that it is only the first time that something has hurt their religious sentiments. Some vote-bank sentiments and further unknown sentiments of Bollywood personalities have also been reportedly hurt. Rakhi Sawant has come out in the open to vociferously condemn the move, and so have Emraan Hashmi, Mahesh Bhatt, and Yuvraj Singh. Meanwhile, the next edition of SlutWalk in New Delhi has been postponed, till the time burqas are available in wholesale.

In unrelated news, the nation celebrates its Independence Day next week.

Disclaimer: The intention of this report is in no way related to ridiculing or being disrespectful towards the burqa or the practice thereof.


About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

5 Comments

  • i condemn this article.Though intended to be funny,this article mocks and degrades the muslims.The way u said that burqas are compulsary followed by “In other related news, the nation celebrates its Independence Day next week.”.So u mean to say that burqas are some age old custom not in lines with ur ‘modern’ world.For a change,govt should pass a law that every woman should be nude.Lets see if the crime increases or not.

    • Dear Nikhil
      We have used the mention of burqa as an item of clothing—not in a religious sense of speaking. So in our opinion, the Muslim community doesn’t come in anywhere, let alone being “mocked and degraded”. The intended meaning of this post are completely different. The line you mentioned questions the contradiction of freedom with such a law, not a custom. We never say burqa is an outdated concept, it was probably your imagination or our inability to express clearly. We do not wish to hurt any religious sentiments. If they have been hurt, we would like readers to come forward so that we clarify and mend it.

      • Editor I appreciate your sense of humor , The burkha term is solely associated to a religion, Justification : you find no one except one community women wearing it ,
        You could have used Veil instead …avoid it next time ..

        • As the author, thank you. Also, thanks for your views and suggestion.
          But, I would implore you to appreciate the greater underlying theme of the article.

  • Dear editor, I’m utterly disappointed by your inciteful devices incorporated into this article. I cannot but be enraged by your indifferent approach towards such a malignant social issue.
    “Firangees in Burqas, are you kidding me? All they know is to wear a two-piece bikini to some beach, and lay half-naked while men ogle at them!”
    Can you even differentiate between a person who is concern and a person who is simply mocking?
    And your corporate-mogul’s and celebrities’s opinion should be left with them rather than to pawn it to legitimize this article and dictate a mere being’s mindset.
    And also, Mr. Nikhil’s concern towards the Muslim community is justified than your superfluous intended use of “burqa”. For your information, the whole black attire is called ‘abaya’.
    In conclusion, you guys are worst than Delhi Times. I think you are more suited to cover entertainment news. Youths deserve more than just mass-figure’s opinions and their reactions.

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