Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Bill was passed following the shocking results of a survey last year. According to the survey, conducted among Indian males, more than 120% of all women are sexually attractive, and are hence, prone to acts of molestation and sexual abuse. The fat figure of 120% accounts for the fact that some women are more prone than others, owing to their “slim and hot figure” among other reasons. This led to speculation among some that being fully covered was the only way out.
Many women came forward to express their resentment over the law. A vocal activist opined, “If containing libido is the motive, why not come up with a law of free porn for men instead? This is preposterous. Do they really believe the entire Indian women population will just start wearing a burqa, come tomorrow?” When she was reminded that the law applied even to foreigners on Indian soil, she chuckled with derision. “Firangees in Burqas, are you kidding me? All they know is to wear a two-piece bikini to some beach, and lay half-naked while men ogle at them!”
Another commoner, a college-going boy, who looked like he had just been through a break-up, spoke to us on the issue. “It serves them right, these girls, who with their charms (skin-show?) catch innocent men like me in their web of lust. Thanks to this radical move, they will no longer be able to flaunt their assets flawless skin to achieve their ends.”
Multiplex and discotheque owners seem to be the ones hit the hardest by the law. “Oh my god! Who will come to discos, malls or multiplexes dressed in a burqa? The main reason our market thrives is because women wear short, revealing dresses, thereby unknowingly(?) attracting swarms of desperate men. Which woman, in her right mind, will dance to fast, rhythmic music clad in a burqa? And, which sane man will want to dance alongside her? Tell me this is just a joke, please!”
Our reporters caught up with a man in jail, convicted for a case of sexual abuse for how he thought this innovative move could affect people with insane desires like his. It was only when he was tired of trying to entice our female reporter into his cell that he started talking on the issue. “Do you really think this is going to make a difference? Men like myself find things that we cannot have easily more alluring than things we can. If anything, the law will only increase the cases of abuse, because of the mystery surrounding a woman in a burqa.” He finished with a disgusting grin.
Also, the law has not gone down well with the corporate sector, which has lately been experiencing a huge influx of female employees. Vijay Mallya was visibly agitated by the news. “So now, my Kingfisher’s air-hostesses will have to wear burqas in the plane? This is ridiculous! I am going to sue Manmohan Singh and his girlfriend (?) right away. Take this as a word from an honest (?) liquor baron, who also happens to be a Rajya Sabha MP.” Moments later, a sudden realization seemed to have dawned upon him. Mallya ran out of breath as he asked us, “What about my Deepika and Katrina, will they have to wear burqas too?” He regained his calm only when reminded that they need not be fully covered in the bedroom.
Apparently, the news has hurt religious sentiments of some sections of the society, who insist that it is only the first time that something has hurt their religious sentiments. Some vote-bank sentiments and further unknown sentiments of Bollywood personalities have also been reportedly hurt. Rakhi Sawant has come out in the open to vociferously condemn the move, and so have Emraan Hashmi, Mahesh Bhatt, and Yuvraj Singh. Meanwhile, the next edition of SlutWalk in New Delhi has been postponed, till the time burqas are available in wholesale.
In unrelated news, the nation celebrates its Independence Day next week.
Disclaimer: The intention of this report is in no way related to ridiculing or being disrespectful towards the burqa or the practice thereof.