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The 2050 Newspaper: Petrol, Terror Threats, Reservations, Sachin, Harry Potter, Chhayavati’s Private Jet, Rajnikanth, and more

My father always tells me, “Think about your future: it will instill a sense of purpose in your actions today.” The selfless person that I am, I decided to think about the future of India as a whole. As I sleep in the night, the gears and levers in my subconscious mind start turning, gain speed and transport me in my dreams, to the year 2050. I open the e-newspaper in the morning, only to be shocked by the news. Excerpts from the same can be found below:


“Petrol to Cost Rs. 999 per litre”
The Union Minister for Price Hike in Fossil Fuels, renowned for his efficiency in work, Mr. I. O. C. L. Reddy announced at a press conference yesterday that the price of petrol shall be hiked from Rs. 950/l to Rs. 999/l in sync with the price rise in the international market. The price of diesel, he said, would not be hiked and would stay at Rs. 650 to a litre for some time. People with valid Community ID Cards would continue to enjoy fuels at Rs. 500 and Rs. 400 respectively, he added…

“Other Forward Castes Living in Poverty just 2% of Population, Denied Reservations”
The Vandal Commission has submitted a report to the Supreme Court, with its findings that there are as many as 15000 forward castes (OFCs) constitute about 2% of the Indian population and are living in extreme poverty, hunger and unemployment. However, the OFCs will not be given any reservations in government jobs, since the maximum reservation quota of 50% was already exceeded last year with the new reservation for Other Very Backward Castes…

“Sensex Tanks 10541 Points to End at Decade’s Lowest”
The Sensex fell for the twenty-first day yesterday to a ten-year low of 1034 amid rising concerns over inflation. Finance Minister R. Chidambaram however assured investors that the situation would become better soon and that there was no need to worry. The reporter gets a déjà vu of having heard the same lines 40 years ago from RC’s grandfather…

I saw this in my 2050 dream. This is the residential area of the most thinly populated village of India


“City Traffic Congestion Creates World Record”
Chennai City Traffic Police were informed by a Guinness World Records spokesperson that their “efficient” handling of the city’s traffic on the arterial Mount Road had created a new world record for Traffic Congestion where commuters were stranded in the same place for almost 4 days. Unbelievable but true!…


“Calcutta renamed Didipur”
Paschimbanga Chief Minister Namta “Didi” Spannerjee yesterday renamed Calcutta to Didipur. The Left rule had, earlier this year, renamed the city Calcutta, citing some bullshit. This marks the fifth name change and is the third unique name for the city. Didi sternly issued a warning prohibiting everyone from using the names Calcutta or Kolkata…

“Hypersonic Private Jet Travelled to Paris and Back for CM’s Lipstick”
Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Chhayavati is in the midst of another controversy. This time, she is alleged to have sent her hypersonic private jet to France to fetch her lipstick. What is more amusing than the action itself, is the need for her to wear lipstick at all…

“Home Ministry Reacts to Terrorist Threat”
The Home Ministry yesterday reacted to the terror threat sent to them, which warned of a possible attack on a Delhi-bound Air India aircraft. The reactions from various quarters ranged from anger to silence.
Delhi CM Deela Shikshit said, “We condemn the threat. We will not tolerate any of this anymore. Delhi Police are now tracing the source of the threat. We will capture the perpetrators.” Home Minister Chi-chi-dambaram had this to say:There is no need to worry. Our intelligence won’t fail this time.” Aviation Minister Rayalar Vavi said,No. There was no scandal involved. We spent only $15 billion on the order.” (He probably still thought that the journalist was asking him about the current aircraft purchase order scam). AI Boss Mr. Mijay Vallya said, “I will spend my personal money to buy a new aircraft if this happens.”
Meanwhile Prime Minister Sanmohan Mingh said: …


“Soon, Time Travel”
Researchers at CERN asserted in one of their new publications that Time Travel would be possible soon. This is the (wait, we’ve lost count) time that such an assertion has been made by researchers…


“Ailing Rowling says Harry Potter’s mother was heterosexual”

Legendary British author J. K. Rowling, best known for the Harry Potter series, has said in a hospital interview that Harry Potter’s mother Lily was heterosexual. This has raised a renewed excitement among most fans, most of whom are now sexagenarian. A Canadian fan, 68, intelligently observed, “Just like her eyes, Harry also inherited his mother’s heterosexuality…”


“I will get my 100th ton soon! Says a Rejuvenated Sachin Tendulkar”
Legendary Indian Cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, who underwent age-reduction gene therapy recently has suggested that he will continue to play cricket till he loves the game and that he will hopefully score his 100th international ton soon. The journalist writing this report has grown 40 years older waiting for it…


“K-Town Gossip: Akshaya Rai in Rajnikanth’s Next”
Akshaya Rai, the young and sultry granddaughter of a yesteryear actress A. Rai has been chosen for the female lead role in Rajnikanth’s yet-to-be-titled 750th movie, sources close to director Bunker confirmed yesterday. The Page 3 team regrets to inform you that this is the 499th heroine Rajni Sir will be romancing on-screen in five different roles—as a college student, as a professor, as a robot, as a police officer and as an underworld don.


“MIT Sets Up Campus in India”
Massachusetts Institute of Technology yesterday threw open its India Campus located near Timbuktu. Admissions for the academic year will open soon, its India Dean Dr. Ghotaalam Chaudhari told reporters yesterday…

*End of Dream* Everything is back to normal. Or is it?

Disclaimer: All characters depicted in the article are for real, in the year 2050 that is. So if you wish to sue me for defamation or something else, you’re welcome to do so in 2050. See you in court, 39 years from now!

(with inputs from Tanay Sukumar)

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Bhargav Prasanna

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