Times of India website becomes cleaner, all obscene content shifted to 1st page of print edition

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Every day, Harshvardhan, an avid reader of the Times of India website, finds time to read the latest articles (non-news) at the computer centre of his college. However, he was shocked today as all the website had to offer was stuff about the 9/11 anniversary, the US Open and some usual political news. He feared a sleepless night ahead, after even using the search engine failed to find the article about the most seductive ideas of sexting. Worse lay ahead, as the slideshow of the naked photoshoot of Megan Fox, that he had spent 40 minutes on yesterday, had also vanished from the whole website.

The all-important Times of India – Man and Woman section will also be shifted to the print version.

The 21-year-old called up his roommate to narrate his tale of disappointment, and he got to know that the day’s print edition of Times of India had all the content that he wanted. Harshvardhan rushed to his room, and found that after two full-page ads of a new range of underwear, the 3rd page had big bold headlines like “Poonam Pandey flaunts her assets”, “Adriana Lima’s smoking hot body”, “How to find a place to have sex in office”, etc. with king-size images. “Playboy is passé,” they said; the two friends gave each other a high-five. Turning the page, they came to know on the fifth page, how it had been ten years since the tragic 9/11 attacks, and how India were on the verge of losing a cricket series in England.

The third page had a small notice that said the paper was committed to educate middle-aged and old people about the internet. So, most clean content would be shifted to the website, while such content would be made available for youth in print. “The youth are losing the habit of reading print newspapers,” the paper observed sadly. “Getting old-aged and e-illiterate people to click on misleading ads is easier, and hence would help in generating more revenue. So it’s a win-win business,” said an inside source at Times of India.

“All other websites of men’s magazines, pornography and sexually-explicit general knowledge, which would offer me solace and satisfaction, are blocked in college. In this situation, Times of India sneeks in cleverly, at the pretext of being a ‘news’ website, and it certainly helps me a lot,” said Harshvardhan. His favourite section is the relationships and the Women sections, and also the one having images from model photoshoots. “They are the best bet to destress me after my mathematics classes, where I yesterday calculated the probability of a TOI website article being a news report, as 1.2%.”

Similar was the story of several other young boys, who love viewing reading the website everyday (before posting comments like “what the hell! TOI is degrading journalism standards!”). A Facebook page called “R.I.P. Times of Outside-India” created today morning has already gathered 500,000 fans. A post said: “Just ended the subscription of HT and asked my hawker to give TOI from tomorrow.”

Advertisers are expected to offer extra amounts of money now for the print version. Front-page condom ads may become a reality soon, as the paper has reiterated and reconfirmed that it doesn’t care that it is a family newspaper, or a news paper for that matter. “Everyone provides the news. We have to be different. So what is wrong if we mention Rahul Dravid’s run out at the top? And, when there is a needless Jockey ad on the front page?” said sources. “Social causes are paramount, and so, all that matters is young guys thanking us for our Relationships section, which keeps them happy despite lacking a girlfriend for four long engineering years.”