(headline suggestion: Tanay Sukumar)

According to reports, India’s Home Minister, P. Chidambaram will now be assisting the country’s judiciary on how to “close matters” quickly and amicably. The decision was reportedly taken by the Law Minister Salman Khursheed, after seeing the efficient and prompt decision-making skills of the honorary minister in different matters recently.

The judiciary seemed to be specifically impressed by his statement in the legendary press conference with Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, where Chidambaram said the issue between the two was closed, as if India is a bunch of a billion fools. “The judicial system is always criticised for slow decisions. To prevent old people being convicted for crimes they did when they were children, the Home Minister will surely be of help. Take Afzal Guru for instance, the courts took so much time deciding what to do with the guy. But when the Home Ministry got the mercy petition, what they decided was not to decide anything. It helps forget issues,” said a Supreme Court observation yesterday.

Better Never Than Late, Better PC than SC.

Terrorism presents another great example. It has decreased in India in last few years, all thanks to the Minister’s decision that terrorism was not even a problem. Digvijay Singh praised Chidambaram, “Previously hundreds were killed in a single blast and these days just 10–20 are killed and the frequency is doubled, so we do have a less number of deaths. Chidambaramji can always tell that there are bigger problems than terrorism, like Soniaji’s cancer.”

According to a legal expert, “Chidambaram fulfils all the requirements one needs. He studied law from a reputed university, he has direct contact with the real man of India, Sonia Gandhi… and he has the ability to just declare prove that the matters are closed.”

Noted jurist K K Venugopal said that this was surprising, but this decision will have some deep impacts. Maoists will no longer be a problem, and scams will die before they are born.

After all this drama, we just hope that the government might as well give the Education Ministry to Digvijay Singh who would make IIT classes take place in huts, after the great decision of scrapping JEE by another minister. But even then, giving judicial powers to the Home Ministry seems to be a revolutionary step. Who knows, one day we might see the case of Rahul Gandhi’s cold and Soniya Gandhi’s lost necklace being solved by the Supreme Court, and Chidambaram shouting loudly, “Rahul Gandhi with a cold looks hot, and the necklace was never lost. Matter closed!”