#Politics

Kasab to run for elections, cites tainted CVs of Indian ministers as inspiration


During my stay here, I noticed prisoners coming in and going out every day from the cells around mine, and without fail, every single one of them turned out to be politicians. So, in the end, I decided to make my stay here in India a little more comfortable: by becoming a politician myself!

Ajmal Amir Kasab, His Excellency the Ambassadeur de Terroristes Pakistanais, who laid siege to the shores of Mumbai ages ago, has, very aptly and deservingly, decided to run for elections in India. Kasab, ever since his capture, has enjoyed Z-class security, at par with other corrupt important figures in society, like ministers, corporate geniuses (read liquor barons and Reliance), and above all Indian cricket team. A sum in excess of 31 crore rupees has been spent to keep him safe (if reports are to be believed). Such huge sums of funding, coupled with the escalating number of tainted CVs of ministers and politicians in India has prompted Kasab to try his hand at the infamous game of Indian politics.


When we caught up with the terrorist-turned-politician, who was taking a sunbath outside his five-star hotel security-laden prison cell, he offered his views: “Frankly speaking, when I was first caught by the Police, I thought death penalty would be imminent. But, Indian people are so very generous. You folks have taken such good care of me, spending so much money on my security, and providing me three delicious meals every day, that I have felt right at home, perhaps even better than home. During my stay here, I noticed prisoners coming in and going out every day from the cells around mine, and without fail, every single one of them turned out to be politicians. So, in the end, I decided to make my stay here in India a little more comfortable: by becoming a politician myself!”

We checked for the technical aspects, and apparently, the Constitution has no problem with a foreigner running for elections in India (read Sonia Gandhi). Kasab’s election campaign is expected to be sponsored by the Government of India, on security grounds. The decision has caused a furore in the country, more so in Mumbai and nearby areas. Various communities residing in the metropolitan have threatened to come out with more of candlelight marches in their protest. Home Minister P. Chidambaram waved away these threats with a smile of derision.

Anna takes on Kasab, with roles now reversed!

Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari had words of encouragement for his young protégé. “Kasab is making long strides there in India. He is learning the art of milking the system for personal gains, not unlike me. Some day, he will return to this land, like a prodigal son to claim my tainted prestigious throne.” When asked how Kasab would turn out as a politician, Zardari said, “Ajmal Kasab is a man of honour; he hails from the land of bin Laden’s martyrdom and Dawood’s residence; he has made us all proud. He will make a worthy Indian politician.”

In related news, Anna Hazare was visibly distraught at this piece of information, and has decided to do something different this time around. For a change, he will not sit on fast-unto-death, but sit on an eating-spree-until-death. Arvind Kejriwal explained Anna’s radical new idea. “Why should Anna keep fasting, keep deteriorating his health, while the rest of them sit at home, gulping down handfuls of delicious food? To be honest, when we began this campaign, we couldn’t even afford this eating spree; a fast was much more economical. But, now we have the budget for such means.” When asked what their demands were, Kejriwal explained, “We want Kasab to be included in the Lokpal Bill! That is all we have ever wanted—to include anything and everything in the Lokpal Bill. If the Government does not accede to our demands, Anna is prepared to go rogue and adopt more violent methods, mind you.”  He parted vehemently shouting the slogan for the upcoming Anna campaign against Kasab running for election, “EAT TILL YOU DIE, LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! DIE, KASAB, DIE!”

While he expressed ignorance about a person called Kasab, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh did respond to Kejriwal’s comments: “The UPA is committed to bring in a strong and effective Lokpal.”


About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

Leave a Reply