On Diwali, PM bursts bomb at Red Fort to symbolise end of problems, announces new UPA reforms

On Diwali night, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh blasted a bullet bomb at Red Fort, and said it was the symbol of new changes in the country’s governance. Prime Ministers traditionally preside over the Ravana-dahana pollution very proudly every Dusshera, for symbolism and tradition at the cost of reality. Manmohan Singh is the first to celebrate Diwali as well with pollution. Bursting bombs at Red Fort, Prime Minister Singh said that he had just burst terrorism, corruption away from India. At the Diwali address, the UPA today announced some major reforms to be brought about in India. A long list of upcoming rules were announced by the PM.

Speaking to the press after bursting the bombs, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said, “The party president appreciates the efforts of anti-corruption crusaders who have stepped up their agitation against us. But the government is not as corrupt as has been portrayed by these people. We are corrupt only in deeds, not at heart. So we have decided to issue some rules as a part of the initiative to become non-corrupt slowly and steadily, because as they say, slow and steady wins the race.”

Manmohan Singh in full flow on Diwali night

The list began with promises of having more small periods with electricity during long power cuts that people face each day. The PM said, “Our government is very much worried about the grim power situation throughout the country. We have decided to increase the daily average power supply limit from 8 hours to 10 hours. We hope to have 12 hour power supply in the next 5 years,” he added optimistically. However, as a side note, he also added that this initiative would see the light of day only after the festive season is over. He then cheerfully went on to wish the entire nation a very happy Diwali and expressed hope that the citizens would encourage the many cottage industries and artisans who were responsible for lighting up their lives during this season. He was certain that power cuts would not pose much of a problem if the people would only light lamps and candles instead of insisting on electrical contraptions of the modern world.

Second in the list was the promise of having less corrupt ministers in the government. The PM said that the UPA is firm in its take to have the least corrupt ministers in the government, so that everyone gets a fair chance. “We will not tolerate corruption beyond a certain point. There is indeed a limit to everything as Madam rightly says,” he said. He, however, remained silent on being asked what the limit was, and who was responsible for setting it.

The point of suspension/cancellation of licenses of the news channels which aired more news and lesser ads was fiercely debated, but all that the PM said was, “More the ads, more the revenue and hence, lesser corruption! And since when did the common man start watching news for truth?” He also added that all those entertainment channels which aired any show for more than three minutes at a stretch without an ad break of at least five minutes shall be dealt with strictly and such channels may be taken off air.

The other points laid stress upon included: having more roads in between the potholes, having more inflation and price rise, apparently to encourage the common man to follow the “simple living, high thinking” policy, and having many more idealistic and “young” leaders like Rahul Gandhi. He strongly emphasized on the last point and said that he believed that the future of this country very much depended on the ‘youth’ and not on the “has-beens”, which was taken as a snide reference to the current “youth” movement led by the venerable Annaji.

When asked about the various scams that have plagued the nation in the past two years, and how he would bring the perpetrators to justice, the PM was hesitant and fumbled with his words. He excused himself from answering the question with the oft-used remark about the cases being sub-judice, which was followed by a hurried end to the conference.

As this reporter was walking out of the venue, he learnt that the PM was on his way to meet Soniaji, Chidambram, and Karunanidhiji, for which he was already late by five minutes and feared severe reprimand from Madam for the unreasonable delay. The entire NTMN Team wants to take this opportunity to wish our honourable Prime Minister a happy and prosperous Diwali and a fabulous New Year.

In other related news, the Congress General Secretary was overheard saying, “I am with Anna in this indefinite silent fast. I will try not to speak nonsense and spit venom instead of words. This is my best chance to prove to the people that I am not insane.”

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Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

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