#Politics #Society

All problems disappear on Rajinikanth’s birthday; Indians celebrate, PM found awake


Rajinikanth came to Manmohan Singh’s dream yesterday night. Yenna Rascala,” He began,  “Do you know the date?”

“It is 12/12.” It made Rajini angry. He raised His hands in the air; thunderstorm encased him. As He sat upon a giant ball of fire, a voice from the Heavens thundered, “It’s his birthday, you moron!”

Madame G, on video conference, told Manmohan to ask Him what He wanted and so he asked, “What is that you want of me, sir?” And then He roared, “YOU WILL NOT BE A PUPPET ANY MORE! WILL YOU?” The PM nodded in agreement, then shook his head violently. “YOU WILL SPEAK! YOU WILL GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY DESERVE!”

He looked at him with His fiery red eyes and suddenly the entire space around Him compressed into Him, into nothingness. And then He vanished into thin air.

What followed, was a day when everything changed in India.

11.11.11. It came and went by. Nothing great happened. But on 12.12.11, something happened, that India and Indians would remember for a long time. It was the birthday of The Rajni (aka The Rajinikanth, The Rajnikantha, The Rajinikant, Thalaivar, The God, etc) and something had to happen. And it happened in ways no one had imagined: politically, in sports, socially, and a lot more. Here is an account of everything.

The unusual day began with Prime Minister Manmohan Singh speaking for the first time without any permit. He made announcements that startled the media and the Common Man. He said, the much-demanded Jan Lokpal Bill has been accepted without any terms and conditions. The proposal for 51% stake in FDI has been approved by the PMO, and the government shall not roll back any schemes hereafter, he told. The UID, a very prestigious scheme, will go on as promised and will be completed very soon. Next to him, jostling for some limelight and the mikes, was Congress (mis)leader Kapil Sibal. The Telecom Minister, in accordance with the will of the people, decided to backtrack on his recent ideas of “censoring social networking and internet”.

It is reported that many watching the telecast live almost broke into tears when the PM announced that the government will henceforth provide subsidies on petrol prices, CNG, LPG and various other commodities deemed essential for the survival of a household. Prices are expected to be slashed by almost 23%, it was told. He went on for another two hours “passing” various resolutions and bills, some of which were pending from the time before many of us were even born.

When the session ended, our reporter got the chance of a candid interview with the Prime Minister, in which he spilled all the beans. On the condition of secrecy and anonymity, he went on to narrate the entire background of the great but strange decisions. He narrated:

HE came in my dreams yesterday! HE came! I was seated in my sofa,  sitting mum as I usually do, and all of a sudden, there was lightning. Smoke started filling the entire room and before I knew, HE was in my sofa and I was standing in front of HIM. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was THE RAJINIKANTH!! “Yenna Rascala“, he began,  “Do you know the date?”

I quickly pulled out my iPhone 4S (Rahul gifted it to me!), and texted Madame G. Promptly, her reply came, and I told Rajini, “It is 12/12”. It  made him angry, and as he got up and raised his hands in the air, thunderstorm encased him. He flew and sat upon a giant ball of fire, and a voice from the heavens thundered, “It’s his birthday, you moron!”

Madame G, who was on video conference by now, told me to ask him what he wanted and so I asked him, “What is that you want of me, sir?” He looked offended, and the iPhone 4S  flew out of my hand, into a giant vortex up ahead.

And then He roared, “YOU WILL NOT BE A PUPPET ANY MORE! WILL YOU?” I nodded in agreement, then shook my head violently. “YOU WILL SPEAK! YOU WILL GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY DESERVE!” He looked at me with his fiery red eyes and suddenly the entire space around him compressed into him, into nothingness. And he vanished into thin air.

The Prime Minister was trembling by this stage. The reporter asked him, “And then, sir?” But all that he could utter was, “No more questions please,” as he scurried past the reporters into his convoy of vehicles.

Meanwhile, in other related news, on the revolutionising day which was the birthday of Rajinikanth:

1. Early morning, an impromptu match was scheduled in Sydney for Sachin to complete his 100th ton. Whenever he got out, the ball was given as a no-ball, and this continued till he completed the century.

2. Back home, BJP discovered its lost spine and finally found a cause for its existence. The senior leader and party president Lal Krishna Advani admitted to having reached the post-retirement age and said the only reason he was still hanging around the BJP, was the tension that his PF (provident fund) had not been cleared.

3. Congress senior (mis)leader Digvijay Singh decided to keep his mouth shut for the entire week. Before this, he said in his usual tone something that was unusual coming from him: that the suspects of murder and rape cases in India were in fact Indians, and not some “foreign powers”. He also denied the famous RSS ka haath being behind anything, and duly accepted Congress ka haathbehind all trouble.

4. An IITian based in Noida and working with Philips found a real girlfriend.

5. The Noida-based IIPM chief Arindam Chaudhari accepted that to his interrogative questions, “Dare to think beyond IIMs?” he always expected a negative answer, and that all the placement data were in fact imaginary and a creation of his mind, with some help from the team.

But the most important and revolutionising change was that for the entire day, not a single citizen cribbed about how incompetent the government and the entire system was, and instead reflected upon what actually they are going to do for the nation in the next general elections for a change.


About the author

Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.

1 Comment

  • I can’t help but imagine that Rajini coming to Manmohan’s dream part. “I was seated in my sofa, sitting mum as I usually do, and all of a sudden, there was lightning. Smoke started filling the entire room and before I knew, HE was in my sofa and I was standing in front of HIM”
    Would have been so funny!

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