(concept: Sugandha)

From the nerdiest of nerds to the biggest noobs, wannabe dudes know that the base of a flourishing relationship with the fairer sex is established via the social networking media. Let’s face it: we won’t have it any easier than being a Virtual Dude. But even then, there is stiff market competition. The demand-supply-chain is slow and unreliable at best. Staying ahead of the pack requires constantly evolving tactics on the back of a trustworthy knowledge base, and any form of guidance is more than welcome. Capitalizing on existing conditions and the ever-rising frustration of the male population, “educational reformers” (no, not Sibal the Deformer) in the country have come up with a new under-graduate qualification—the B. Flirt. (Bachelor of Flirting—for bachelors). The undergraduate course will have specialisations over its four years of study, such as, How to get your Friend Request accepted by THAT girl.

Although the degree, as of now, will only be taught in a select few engineering institutions, interest in including it in the curriculum of their own colleges is avid among most premiers and vice-chancellors. NTMN caught up with one of these revolutionists (who spoke to us on conditions of anonymity as his Facebook girlfriend of two weeks had recently dumped him) to get an insight into this pioneering initiative. Following are excerpts: “We are targeting engineering colleges first because engineers are eternally frustrated, while they have the necessary intelligence to grasp the content. They are the ideal candidates to show the effectiveness of our course.” … “The course material includes (but is not limited to) Flirting 101, How to get a LIFE, How to be What you are NOT, 666 things that You should NOT say to a girl, The Laws of Attraction, etc. Reference books (still in print) may be variously found as: The Hitchhikers Guide to the Cute and the Cantankerous, The Feminist Female, Eat-Stalk-Flirt, The Avoidable Case of Benjamin Button and others. Details of the theory classes have been finalized, while practicals are being decided upon as we speak.”

Not surprisingly, Barney Stinson’s Hot-Crazy Graph has an entire chapter devoted to it in the 5th unit of the curriculum titled “Pros and Cons: Is she really worth it?”

Hearing him speak imbued me with a sense of confidence which is usually wanting. An obvious question followed, “Sir, when can I…umm… I mean, when can people start enrolling for the course?”

“Well, we have already started accepting applications from interested candidates. The application procedure is very simple. You have to write 5 essays, not more than 150 words each, variously describing why you are the most eligible candidate to waste a girl’s time and if we are successful, at least a few years of her life. We shall select you based on your creativity, brazenness and your level of frustration. Your social media profiles will also play a crucial role. The top 10 applications shall also receive a 50% scholarship from us.”

These guys have also done their research extremely well. They claim to have studied over 10,000 failed and successful cases of online romance and arrived at a foolproof and girlproof formula through extensive trial-and-error and actual product testing. “Based on statistical data and with the help of state-of-the-art facilities, our faculty members can turn even the ultimate geek into a flirting demi-God,” claimed our source. They are also planning courses like B.Flirt (Hons.), M.Flirt, and Dr. Flirt for people interested in further studies. (Obviously, unlike other courses like B.Tech. and B.A., the worse one scores as an undergraduate, the more they are eligible for the postgraduate course and above.)

Correspondence and distance-learning courses, specially designed to capture the essentials, will soon be available for people who have an iota of self-confidence (left) and feel that full-time courses aren’t necessary. “We would still advise you to do a full-time course,” this guy wags a deprecating finger and tells me. Somehow he has got wind of my ineptitude.

(He soon gets bored answering my questions. It so transpires that a girl he has been stalking has accepted his friend request. He wanders off.) What with pent-up emotions and acute hormonal imbalances, the Alpha Male dream is always the one that most males want to see come true. Now that there is a distinct rational possibility, I believe there would be plenty of takers for the Science of Flirting. While the efficacy of the entire set-up still remains to be seen, one hopes that the general standards of meaningless conversation, at least, shall go up.

—
News That Matters Not then followed up with the news, and self-proclaimed dignitaries came up with interesting views. But, a famous Facebook stalker for women agreed to sell us his guru-mantra for an undisclosed agreement (that all our female reporters would accept his friend request).

THE GUIDEBOOK:

• What you will need: A random picture of a girl, preferably an actual college-going chick, to be sure; Little knowledge of computer; Lots of vella time. (Hint: Look in your roommate’s mobile phone for pictures of his girlfriend.)
• How to proceed:

1. First, create a profile posing as a girl. Hide your gender, select it as male, but use a girl’s DP and girl’s name. Make sure to choose a unique name, and fill out all the info details, so that people don’t get suspicious.
2. Now, send friend requests to as many guys as possible. This step is very important because your dream girl will not accept your friend request unless your friend list is big enough to prove to her that you are for real.
3. Now, because you’ve chosen a real college chick as your DP, used a unique name, and filled all your info, the FB predators aka ‘single guys’ will take to you like bees to honey. Your friend list will grow exponentially day and night. (Ignore those personal messages: Will u b mah fraaand? ♥ :* )
4. Your work is almost done, just send a friend request to your dream girl with a personal message: “Hey, remember me?” Of course, she doesn’t. But, because she thinks that you were friends some time before and she has forgotten about you, she will accept your request and won’t have the courage to ask how she knows you.
5. You must be wondering what to do now that your dream girl thinks you are a girl! Hah, gotcha. Simple, go to account settings, revert your name to your very own macho name. Change your DP to your ‘kewl dude’ look, and do not forget to change all the info.
   Congratulations, you are now in the friend list of your dream girl.

• Disclaimer: This guide is not responsible if you manage to get your ass kicked out of her friend list the very next day.
  P.S.: Any resemblance to a real-life situation is purely coincidental and the author cannot be held responsible for it.