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Kapil Sibal Shares His Pain: All That Has Not Been Said Yet

Huh. Now what would one say to insult someone who is hellbent on insulting themselves, given their foot-in-mouth disease. So we’ll steer away from doing anything like this, and let the man-of-the-moment Your Highness Mr. Kapil Sibal himself do the talking. Presenting below some excerpts from the personal diary of Union Telecommunications Minister Kapil Sibal…..Amid a rant where he talks about his miserable life, he tells us why he did what he did. Poor fellow.

Dear Diary

The last two days have been long and tiring. Everybody has been making fun of me and the white hair in my ears. Nobody understands my pain. I can only turn to you. You know what, it all began when they wanted me to talk to the guys at Facebook, Google and Twitter and convince them to screen the content before it gets uploaded on the web. Now please don’t ask me “they” who? And the entire country is blaming me. What did I do? #IdiotKapilSibal is trending. Great!

And now as I speak to you, I wonder why they made me do this and not Diggy as usual. This is all a game. Given Rahul Baba’s intelligence, we are deliberately being made to make a fool out of ourselves. Diggy has been doing it since times immemorial; Manish Tewari ji joined the list, Ghulam Nabi Azad ji and now me. But this is just not done. You tell me, is it right of Madamji to always threaten me with my job, and make things done by me? Okay, sorry for the “ji”. You know I do not mean it in real terms.

It’s clear that they are trying to make a fool out of me. Err, let me rephrase—they are trying to make a bigger fool out of me than I already am. First, the whole JEE scrapping idea which has already brought me as many hate mails as love mails for Sunny Leone! (I sent her one as well.) I just wish the people could see me for what I am: an innocent lamb, made out to be a pig. And, there have been so many jokes on me in the past couple of days, that I can’t help but ‘like’ them all, albeit via a fake account!

And to be frank, how can they expect censorship on internet. Is it not like saying you can speak what you wish to, but only after I hear and approve it!(And to confess, I myself have a few Twitter handles where I go and rant anonymously. Sometimes I also Google Rahul Baba and Madam and you already know the search suggestions Google gives. Hehe.)

Photoshopped pictures have been doing the rounds of internet for ages. And I have even forgotten the count of how many times I have asked Soniaji to send Rahul to some good college and get him a proper formal education, but she just won’t listen. And then this silly quote-play, and of course his overnight stay drama at villages and Dalit homes. How can he be made to look intelligent, something which he just does not have at all? (I hope they  find and publish you, dear diary.)

But you have to applaud Sonia for one thing, she is a visionary, at least when it comes to Rahul’s future. But I guess all moms are like that, I wouldn’t know mine disowned me right after I, ahem spoke my first words.

Coming back, so you know the real reason behind this internet monitoring? We want to attribute to Rahul the rising economy and millions of job creation. Let me explain, did you notice how I have categorically asked for all the monitoring to be done by humans? Oh yes, the reason for that isn’t that machines won’t understand the sarcasm, that’s not an abnormality at all, even I don’t understand that, would you call me mentally retarded, would you? Okay, don’t answer that.

So the real reason is, when all the internet and social networking giants say that they don’t have such manpower to handle the manual monitoring, I am going to offer all the unemployed youths of India for the jobs. In fact I even have a deal with this IIPM fellow to recruit his entire batch in one go, of course with assured kick-backs in my Swiss account, he has already sent me laptops for my entire family as a sign of goodwill. Brilliant fellow, I say, like me only. Now the government will pay them partial salary if the need be, enough money in our reserves for such things, enough. So jobs for youths—Rahul Gandhi youth icon…did you see the connection already?! Ah, I so can see him sitting on the throne in 2014. That lucky Gandhi bastard!

Now just to demonstrate our far-sightedness further, I am going to tell you how we plan to kill two birds with one stone. But before that, did you read about all those people talking about corruption, Lokpal, FDI and Parliament halts in the last two days—me neither! BAZINGA!! (Wicked smile….. no! not that permanent already-evil one….. this is a new smile I have been practicing). Classic case of diversion, you see! And then some of those people call us stupid…. Gullible Bastards, haha! Yes yes, you are right in pointing out that winter session has not ended yet, but why did you presume this is the only trick we had up our sleeves. No! I won’t tell you more…. wait and watch baby!

Okay, let me tell you something very confidential, no one in the government has any idea what internet is or how it works, of course except me. No, Tharoor was not in the meeting, why do you ask? How do I know? So we are all sitting for this meeting at 10 Janpath, all top Cabinet ministers and suddenly someone connects the laptop that this administrative staff guy has been using for the projector, without him knowing, and bam! comes up a Facebook page titled ‘I Hate Sonia Gandhi’. He had liked the page and had been posting something there. Poor Sonia ji.

So all of a sudden the course of the meeting changed from discussing ‘Who will go with whom to watch The Dirty Picture and ‘We need to change the Samosa Vendor… for national security that is’ to ‘What to do about this Facebook thingy’, because this was just unacceptable as the samosa guy being stingy and not putting in Aaloo properly. So everyone looked at me because people use Facebook to communicate and I was the telecommunications minister you see.

After a discussion which lasted for 4 hours, all of them decided that I should personally read each and every comment that people post on Facebook. Haha…. so dear diary, you see they have no idea how internet works. Of course I corrected them immediately and said, “How was I to read all the comments that people post, which might very well be in hundreds, even thousands sometimes with I already have two ministries where I think a lot. You see, thinking helps us sabotage the nation more and more.” But the leader in me sparked, I took responsibility and said, I would get some humans to read the same. So that is how it was decided.

Ohho, the phone! This Swami Agnivesh keeps buzzing me since I installed Rediff Bol on my Aakash tablet, irritating guy. And, what do you mean what happened to the iPad I got? Oh you mean that Apple-Electric Plate? It’s in the kitchen…. wifey makes great omelette in it.

It’s 10:30 and who is this voluptuous lady doing things to with pole and hunter on the Colors channel… need to find some ways to ban it. Okay maybe later, wifey is sleeping, so I’ll take care of myself then. Oh yes, give me this disgusting look, goes well with my current public image.

Okay bye, need to prepare tomorrow’s statement regarding setting up police checking-points throughout India. No, not terrorist threats, we have already stopped 99% of those. Some people carry derogatory images of Congress leaders and they text about us. Can you believe that, it is simply unacceptable. Not anymore bastards, I’m setting up Human Monitory Points. Hah…. what all things they make me do despite that Harvard degree, should have stuck to practicing law in the Lower courts of Chawri Bazaar.

(Illustration by Kumar Pratik)
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About the author

Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

About the author

Bijender Sheoran

I am a 23 years old Mechanical Engineer from IIT Kanpur, currently working in Noida. I like to try my hand at a diverse range of things and my interest keeps changing from time to time. I have been a part of IITK's cultural festival (Antaragni) and technical festival (Techkriti) while in college. A big movie buff and loves watching TV serials, Lost and Hustle are my favorite, reads anything and everything and getting addicted to Facebook and twitter.


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