NTMN on email!
By Dec 22, 2011 • The News Pages

Dear film-makers,
Yes, India has the second largest population in the world, but that definitely has more to do with lack of awareness than sheer perversion. So, will you stop trying to cash in on it with these worthless item numbers?
Sincerely, A die-hard movie buff.

Item numbers have, of late, taken the country by storm and caused a domino effect in the society. NTMN took charge to explore the phenomenon, and it led to some startling discoveries.

Maids all over the country have filed for copyrights to their names, fearing that the next Bollywood item number will use them. Prostitutes and C-grade actresses have also been offended, and have said that they also should get some screen time, considering these songs are inspired by them. “I am proud that Katrina used my name for herself,” admitted Sheila Shitshit, a housemaid in Indore. But then, I also want some benefits out of this.”

Raziya Kaamwali, Chameli the Stripper, and Chhammak Chhallo, a bar-girl–cum-late night dancer amongst numerous others, have come forward to raise their voice on the issue. Munni, who happens to be a leading sex worker in the suburbs of Mumbai, spoke of the matter at hand. “Haan haan, main badnaam hun. Isme itna excited hone ki kya zarurat hai?” She paused for a moment and then elaborated on her plight. “Business has definitely boosted, but I was not given any due credit. I hate plagiarists, I really do. Do you have the slightest idea how weird it is to call people on their cell-phones and hear their caller-tune as ‘Munni badnaam hui darling tere liye’? I guess not. But I request you to not set it as your tune if you are my customer.” She then proceeded to shake our reporter fiercely, asking if he needed help, and recommended that he desperately needed a ‘woman’s touch’.

Buoyed by their recently-acquired fame, item numbers have now been declared a recognised dance-form by leading dance schools in the country. At Munni-Sheila Adventures Limited, a dance school where we turned up uninvited, a lot was revealed to us on condition of anonymity (which we have again decided to ignore). Malaika Arora Khan, Rakhi Sawant and Bobby Darling are some of the names that have emerged for the role of item-dance-gurus. Also, rumour has it that Sunny Leone, after her pole-dance antics in Bigg Boss might be offered a similar role, though some parents have raised concerns over the potential danger to the venture. The debate got out of hand, and is not fit to be published here due to adult content issues. Cricketer Sreesanth will be a guest faculty member, as he has signed a contract to teach dance every time he gets injured.

To sum it up, you can now go to your nearby branch of the above-mentioned dance school, and sign up for an ‘item number course’ for a very nominal(?) fee. The pre-requisites as listed by the websites are: ‘hot-bod, preferably 38-24-38’ and ‘a no-objection-certificate from parents’. In case you don’t fulfil the figure criterion, you can sign up for a gymnasium combo offer, where innovative techniques shall be employed to help you achieve the perfect figure. These techniques again are not fit to be published, although Swami Ramdev has reportedly been approached to teach students how to redistribute the fat content in their bodies to certain areas.

As for the outside angle on the scoop, it has been proposed by some that item numbers were invented by Rajinikanth’s kaamwali, who shivered so violently at the mention of his name that it became a new dance form in itself. Shiney Ahuja’s bai has claimed that she must be credited for the spike in the recent popularity of ‘dirty names’ in item numbers, while Digvijay Singh has moved in swiftly to condemn the West for promoting desi songs. Ah, need we say anymore?

P.S.: Newspapers, please stop using oxymorons like “Bipasha sizzles in a bikini”. In any case, we heard you the first time; don’t repeat over and over again.

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