(with inputs from Rishi Ayyer)

In what is seen as an anticipatory-bail-sort-of-move, the rather fun-loving Pakistan military has banned the phenomenon of flash mobs. “The sovereign nation of Pakistan is opposed to anything that makes its people smile. It is unacceptable that people can have the right to dance and sing in a public place with no intimation at all. Conduct of the sort is highly undisciplined and unwanted in this country of free men,” General Militia-ul-Haq said while defending the decision. Off the record, the General also said, “Moreover, it reminds me of Bollywood, High School Musical 2 and the television disaster Glee. We may allow Bollywood for a change, but that Glee thing is real irritating. Hey Darul, you think you can issue a fatwa against it and get it banned or something?” speaking to the fatwa-happy gentleman besides him.

Back home, the flash mobs (Mumbai and Kochi, we don’t count Delhi) have generated a lot of debate amongst police officials regarding public safety. Although what a group of dancing females and effeminate males can possibly do to harm the society at large, still remains to be seen. Sources say the Indian government might be afraid of a dance-dance showdown between rival mobs. Even with all these fears, the Indian government couldn’t take definitive action because the mobs immediately moved for a Dance-pal Bill.

Meanwhile, eminent television personalities, Rakhi Sawant and Veena Malik have voiced displeasure at the Pakistan military’s directive. Quipped Veena, “We were going to have an India–Pakistan reality flash show where participants from each country would be judged by us on their flashing skills.” After the awkward silence that went on for quite a long time, Miss Malik was heard on the microphone saying, “You mean it’s not flashing body parts, but dancing? Are you sure? Screw it, I don’t want anyhow.”

The decision comes close on the heels of the Russian court’s ban on Bhagavad Gita, which is good news for Indians. When a country’s cultural influences start miffing off other countries, one knows the country has arrived on the global scene. Kapil Sibal, not to be left behind in this ban-extravaganza, talked of banning Facebook, but to no avail. In a cover up, Mr. Sibal said, “We love our citizens’ freedom. We are not like our neighbours and friends, who go around banning everything. We are freedom-lovers. From today on, nothing can be, and will be banned in India. I issue a Ban on Bans.”

Good one, Mr. Sibal. As for Pakistan, this writer would like them to first ban the mobs, then look at the flashes. In a country where women are happy to be left alive, I can hardly imagine a day when 50 would come together to dance in a public place. It is only in India that we are as jobless so as to attempt it. As a side note, the writer issues a public sympathy vote for Delhi, which has had a 4 in-a-row now. Of failures, I mean. Bryan Adams, CWG, Metallica, and now the flash mob. Seems like everything Delhiites touch burns to the ground. No wonder our Parliament is in Delhi!