#Famous-People Ripped Apart Staff Picks - Archived

Some Honourable Men and Women, Ripped Apart


In honour of some honorary men and women that our country boasts of, NTMN took it upon itself to have them fill our scrapbook, or should we say ‘crapbook’.  Read on and be enlightened, this is as real as it gets.

Name: Sasuri Mayawati Behen Ji

Current Job: To erect worthless statues all over the state for no apparent reason.

Always dreamt of: Being selected for Miss India finals. Part of the reason, I am still not married.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A hairdresser at some beauty parlor in a distant village of UP.

 

Name: Kapil Sibal

Current Job: To censor anything with the keywords “Manmohan”, “Sonia”, “love” etc. (The three words may or may not be used simultaneously.)

Always dreamt of: Being recognized as a tech-savvy superhero, who revolutionized the country. (By abolishing JEE, by banning social networking, by proving the quality of jerks India can produce.)

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A limousine chauffeur of some wealthy businessman.


Name: Manmohan Singh

Current Job: To stay on Silent mode, until specified otherwise by user (Guess who?)

Always dreamt of: Being on top! (Long pause) Of matters at hand, you sick fellas.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A panwala nearby a general kirana store in town.

 

Name: Digvijay Singh (Coz I like to Dig! Yo! Yo!)

Current Job: To ramble all kinds of shit in front of the media.

Always dreamt of: Visiting foreign even for once. That’s why I rant all the time –“Isme bhi videshi takaton ka hi haath hoga!”

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A Hindi teacher at a sarkari school.

 

Name: Lalu ‘Parsad’ Yadav

Current Job: Jobless. Thinking about restarting the family cow-milking business.

Always dreamt of: Bhery long long time, bhanted to speak in Inglis. But, knowing wonly Bhojpuri as maa-ki-jubaan.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A doodhwala. Is there even a doubt?

 

Name: Rahul Gandhi

Current Job: Getting needless pictures clicked with actors posing as Dalits.

Always dreamt of: Being a ballerina. Or a stripper.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A waiter at a not-so-fancy restaurant in the suburbs.

 

Name: Sharad Pawar

Current Job: Holds numerous offices for milking the great Indian food business as well as the cricketing fraternity.

Always dreamt of: Being able to rig a poker game, so that I win every single time.

If I were not a politician, I would have been: A stingy jauhri or makan-malik in the traditional Indian mould.

 

Name: Rakhi Sawant

Current Job: To appear uninvited at places, TV shows, advertisements, and go on a tirade about my looks.

Always dreamt of: A time when people stopped taking advantage of me. And, I started giving it to them on my own.

If I were not a ‘whatever’, I would have been: A B-grade actress! Or, I still am (looks confused). Shut up, I have to go to a Goa bitch now!


About the author

Kumar Pratik

Exorcist, Demonologist, and Master of the Dark Arts. Just kidding. Part of NTMN since May 2011 and Editor-in-Chief from 2013 to 2014.

2 Comments

    • Thanks Ankit. Although I’ve written it, every time I read it, I crack myself up. Lalu is the best for me. ‘Maa-ki-jubaan’ Hahaha, my word!

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