#Politics

For Whom The Bell Tolls: Mayawati Invites Grooms for Marriage


The wedding bells are ringing for Uttar Pradesh’s Chief Mistress Minister Kumari Mayawati, and it’s now official. NTMN sources confirm that the BSP is gearing up for the biggest wedding in history: Mayawati’s. Yes, you heard that right, our favourite Chief Minister Mayawati, every Indian’s “Behen” is set to make someone a very happy umm.. Husband.

She will be turning 56 this January 15th, and is considered the most eligible bride of 2012. With crores of rupees filling up her treasury in Uttar Pradesh, it shouldn’t be a problem for this bride to find her groom. BSP party leaders celebrated with joy when they heard of plans of their Head tying the knot. Sushant Yadav, a slave of BSP, was in touch with NTMN as soon as we heard the news. “Already there are rumours about the wedding. Nobody knows yet who the groom is. There are a few people within the party who consider themselves candidates for that position. Winning the hand of Mayawati will really spur anyone’s political career to great heights.”

Opposition leaders are stunned by this latest move and have got no reason to blame for this inappropriate behaviour of Mayawati. Mulayam Singh Yadav said, “Just because I am Mulayam, she has taken advantage of me. No, I never promised her marriage, but I always have been a contender.” However, Mr. Yadav’s ambitions have been given no heed by Ms. Mayawati, who yesterday released a Newspaper Advertisement (the Front Page of most national newspapers) for the groom-to-be. According to the advertisement, Mayawati is looking for a Groom for “a Fair, Middle-Aged, Unmarried Virgin Dalit Girl”, and the Groom must be “Fair, General Category, Dark-Haired, Handsome, Well-Endowed, Middle-Aged with a Good Income.” It is preferred if the Groom is a Chief Minister or is to become one.

This advertisement really cut-short the list of prospective Grooms to a small number, and below, NTMN profiles the Finalists, their advantages and their chances. This marriage will really be a big one. It is rumoured that elephants from all over the world will be brought in especially for the wedding baraat, and that musicians will be serenaded from the world over to play at the wedding. Shakira has been approached for the Reception Entertainer for a whopping 12 Million Dollar performance.

Umesh Sharma, a resident of Kanpur, is very happy that Mayawati is about to get married. “The whole of Uttar Pradesh will be decorated. There will be music and joy everywhere. At least we will get food and water and electricity for five days.” Deepti, a budding journalist from Lucknow, says, “It’s all a big plan of Mayawati. She’s divided UP into 4. Once she marries a Chief Minister of some other state, she’ll be able to stretch her sorcery into 5 states of India. Imagine the power that gives her. Soon, she will rule India, as she has always wanted.” Forget imagining the power, I’m imagining the number of statues of Mayawati that will come up in those 5 states.

The wedding will be held some time in March 2012, so that Mayawati can enjoy motherhood in 2012 itself. Conspiracy theorists say the Son of Mayawati will destroy the earth with his pure vile ugly looks. Maybe that’s what the Mayans predicted. If the marriage is in March, he should be born sometime in December. Beware; the end of the world is coming! The rumour is indeed true.

Illustration: Kumar Pratik

Mayawati ki Swayamvar: The Finalists.

  1. Narendra Modi:
    • Age: 61
    • Marital Status: Single
    • Position: Chief Minister, Gujarat
    • Advantages: Vibrant, Leader, Can Get Good Infrastructure and Policies to Uttar Pradesh
    • Disadvantages: Older by 5 Years to Mayawati.
  2. Omar Abdullah:
    • Age: 41
    • Marital Status: Divorced
    • Position: Chief Minister, Jammu and Kashmir
    • Advantages: Young, Vibrant, Conversant
    • Disadvantages: Way too young, Embroiled in controversies.
  3. Nitish Kumar:
    • Age: 60
    • Marital Status: Widower
    • Position: Chief Minister, Bihar
    • Advantages: Rich. Will help bring UP and Bihar together.
    • Disadvantages: Too talkative.
  4. Lalu Prasad Yadav:
    • Age: 63
    • Marital Status: Married
    • Position: Opposition Leader in Bihar, may come into power at next elections.
    • Advantages: Has a lot of kids, and a lot of cows. May not mind a lot of wives and elephants too.
    • Disadvantages: Married, not in power.
  5. Wild Card Entry: Mamata Banarjee:
    • Age: 56
    • Marital Status: Single
    • Position: Chief Minister, West Bengal. Oops, Poschim Bongo.
    • Advantages: Just the right age, similar mentality, strong leader.
    • Disadvantages: Woman?

About the author

Rishi

Student. Explorer. Writer. Guitarist. Head-Banger. Psycho. Yet, imperfect.

4 Comments

  • Giggled all the way ! 😀
    I hope they are telecasting this on Lok Sabha channel and i ain’t gonna miss it. 🙂
    Btw, Modi is only 5 yrs elder, hain ?
    Looks more like the father to ‘the son’.

  • This is highly insulting. What right does the writer have to comment on someone’s looks in the name of satire?

    This article only reinforces that class/caste bias indeed exists.

    • @Ankur I’m sorry if that is what you derive out of it. It was satire, not based on caste/creed/looks or even sex, as the last option points out. It was satire on Mayawati, the person, the leader. That is all I wished to bring out.

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