#India Ripped Apart Staff Picks

How to Become a REAL Indian | Indians, Ripped Apart


India: my country, my love. I don’t remember the number of times I have taken the pledge about all Indians being my brothers and sisters, and of being sincere towards my duties for my motherland. And yet I feel, there are certain steps that one must take in order to become an Indian in all true sense. And hence this guide. These are only a few essential steps, that will ensure that your royal highness is really an Indian.

1. You must, at all times feel patriotic. By this, I mean that you must remember to hoist our national flag Tiranga on Independence day, Republic Day and all such other red letter days. Only. You must keep the flag in that old wooden box very cautiously and remember to take it out the next time. Also, on such days of importance, patriotic songs should be played at the loudest volume possible to ensure that the beats are heard at the end of the street.

2. The Indian Cricket team is your bread and butter. The players are GOD for you. You must feel very proud when the team wins a match, in any tournament, on any soil across the continents. You must feel sad when any player gets out by the sheer beauty of the ball. You also pledge to whine and curse each member of the team when, despite putting in their best efforts, they lose. The thoughts of no other sport other than cricket shall ever pass your mind. You promise to ignore all achievements, of any sport, however big they might be, other than cricket. And there is a strict no-no for talking anything regarding hockey, the national game.

3. You will involve yourself  in any politics (dirty, cheap, does not matter) that is happening throughout the country. By politics, we mean to ask you to criticise all politicians irrespective of the work they do or don’t do. You must NOT participate in changing any bit about the country’s system, but sit and curse it. All Indians are required to be onlookers to any happy or sad event happening anywhere, in front of your eyes or elsewhere throughout the country. You also must be proud owners of the famous “चलता है यार ” attitude. This attitude rocks.

4. You promise to ensure that the society you live in is divided into multiple sections based on caste and religion. India has thrived on this nonchalant, no tolerance attitude for other religions for years at stretch and you must ensure not to disrupt it. You promise to fight and kill for your Temples, Mosques, Church and Gurudwara or any other places of worship which are under threat, either from people or the law. GOD is great. I am an atheist.

5. You will never try to find out who you are voting for in the elections. The elections are a very complex and lengthy process and you, being a common man will not fight to bring any change in the corrupt ways of functioning of the democracy. The electoral candidate you vote for should be a descendant of the person who your grandfather used to support. You will also ensure that the maximum number of votes are polled for the person you favour and promise to employ any methods, illegal or immoral, to ensure their victory.

6. You will study with all your might to secure your position in one of the elite institutes of the country to ensure that your name appears in the local newspapers and your parents and relatives can crib about it to their 36 different far-off relatives. You also promise to be a nemesis to the neighbour’s son and daughter, who, despite trying twice could not get into that premier institute and study in some “Who-Cares-Where-The-Hell-We-Are” Institute of Technology. And all these goals achieved, you promise to land yourself a job in some multi-national corporation, with a salary of some few lakhs and fly off to some foreign country. Last but not the least, you promise to settle down there, fly your parents to that place, if you wish too and swear upon your GOD not to return to your motherland and serve her. Also, the final nail in the coffin must be hating the way India and Indians work. If you have writing skills, you pledge to mock Indians by writing sarcastic stuff like how to be an Indian.

GOD IS GREAT. INDIA IS GREATER.

JAI HIND.


About the author

Aashish Aryan

Yep. That's about it.

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