VHP activists express demand to measure chiknahat of Chikni Chameli

The fringe group Vishva Healthcare Paintra (VHP) has decided to measure the smoothness of Chikni Chameli aka Katrina Kaif after her item number in the upcoming movie Agneepath. VHP has been tirelessly working to improve the mores of Indian culture, and it feels that it has an official capacity to do so. It has famously handled complex cases like “Mallika’s Murder” and also the infamous case, when VHP’s skin barometer had asked Diana Hayden to “Ab Bas” her skin exposure.

Earlier, VHP used to effectively target item numbers after the release of the movie, when much of the damage had been done, said its spokesman Sheila Bezubani. “But a team of our full-time researchers has designed a litmus-test to measure the ‘chiknahat’ early, so that the youth of India don’t ‘rough’ themselves up as a part of their natural reaction.”

“Our main problem was establishing a range for the allowed smoothness levels of the skin to be shown,” explained the lead researcher Anna Bichare. He said while the lowermost level of the allowed smoothness was determined using the sample of Om Puri’s skin, which was easily available, they had to strive for the upper level. When they could not figure out what the upper level should be, Sheila Bezubani accused the research team of having perverse intentions, because when the VHP wanted to bar item numbers on the basis of minimum allowed ‘chiknahat’, why should there be an uppermost level!

However, the allowed maximum was not a problem later, as it was decided to lay the limit purely based on the experiences of Emraan Hashmi. The decision line that was drawn was this: “Any kind of smoothness that would be just capable enough to obstruct the hands of Emraan while moving over the female body, would be rendered as ‘just suitable’.” Different DNA samples which included that of Rakhi Sawant’s “Mika-less part of skin”, a prick from John Abraham’s butt, and others were tested against Emraan’s hands. The appropriate level had been reached with John’s sample but with Dostana 2 still many cuts away, it was nullified and Mayawati’s sample was finalised.

Though the VHP is yet to clear the air on how they got Mayawati’s sample, it hasn’t come up with a convincing answer. Some say that it was from her statue in Lucknow which bears exactly the same ‘chiknahat’ as Mayawati’s skin does, but secret sources say Julian Assange’s role is speculated.

Anyway, Chikni Chameli has been sent a summon and she would have to be personally present or she could even send a sample. The sample, as the condition is, must come after a fresh bath and should not be mixed with critic’s reviews.

About the author

Raj Lidder

1 Comment

Leave a Reply