What makes headlines in Indian newspapers these days is enough to cause a drop of 10% in the IQ of an average reader. Though we are facing an intense competition from Times of India supplements and India TV in publishing all the trash happening around, we shall still abide hard by our motto of bringing to you all the News That Matters Not.
Much to the relief of humanity, the likes of Arundhati Roy and Rakhi Sawant are on a hibernation mode. But of course, a certain Digvijay Singh’s nonsense rambling and oh-so-uncertain Kapil Sibal’s gambling regularly ensures that we are never short of protagonists for spoofs and satire. And then, there always is our charming Prince Rahul Gandhi who makes sure that the Sensex of crap news never hits the rock bottom.
- If “Eat, Drink and Be Merry” is your life-mantra instead of “Earn, Decide and Marry”, you are the most eligible stag for the brigade.
- If not only the head, but also your beard needs weekly Kali Mehandi to conceal those grey streaks, you need to be in this brigade, definitely.
- If your restaurant and bar bills exceed the kitchen and shopping bills, welcome.
- If celibacy is not the choice but ‘no-other-choice’ for you, be Rahul’s guest in the Brigade.
- If your vocal cords seem too paralysed to iterate “I am single and happy”, the brigade is the place for you.
- If those nosy middle-aged women in the weddings have started bugging your nephew and niece instead of you, well! It’s high time.
- If wrinkles on your face exceed that on your shirts, be pressed to be here.
- If your sexual orientation has become a matter of scrutiny and suspicion and hostility has reached its peak, don’t even think twice before joining.
The Congress Prince is pretty confident that this Brigade would not be hogwash like his Youth Brigade, but is destined to provide benefits to its member bachelors. Here is an account of the advantages that Rahul has promised to members:
- It will solve the routine food and accommodation issues of the perpetual bachelors. They will be allowed to accompany the Dalit Messiah Rahul Gandhi during his luncheons at Dalit and tribal homes: thus making them Chronic Parasites, all under the disguise of supporting the Dalits, of course. The members of Youth Brigade shall be given discounts in many five-star hotels and restaurant rooms; the much more needy members can definitely expect to get these benefits, super-added with special perks to meet their hidden demands in those rooms and tables.
- To satisfy those entourage nerves and vagabond attitude of the eternal bachelors, special trips to martyr homes, Dalit residences, farmer panchayats, police stations and jails would be organised occasionally, of course, all under the media glitters and front page coverings to make a sensation throughout the nation.
- Special moral boosting workshops would be conducted once in a while with international speakers like tuxedo-hunk George Clooney, billion-dollar sensation Sean Parker and spinster diva Oprah Winfrey. Their fierce commitment to non-commitment and expert advice will help the bachelors to lighten up and live through it easy and non-messy.
- To strengthen the anti-responsibility genes in bachelors, Mr. Gandhi himself will give demo classes on “How to hibernate at the crucial moments” and “Best ways to shirk away at the red hours of responsibility and duty”.
Apparently, people of the country have welcomed this news warm-heartedly. After all, for the best time ever, Prince Rahul is spearheading something based solely on his own abilities, talents and expertise. He has very much earned the right to be the chauffeur of any such brigade of bachelors by devoting 41 years of his life. Critics are all applauds for Rahul Gandhi, for a change. They see it as the smartest move ever taken by General Secretary of the party that is governing the nation. Finally his pea-nut size brains seem to be working in the direction where it could do most efficiently. The nation is all fingers crossed, should his focus shift to mainstream politics again and the nightmare of him becoming the next Prime Minister comes true!