3. Show-off kill to the ladies whilst impressively grunting
He did this day after day, like a pro, until one day, civilization snuck up on him. He found himself having to put up with intellect, art, innovation, poetry, science and other such ridiculous creations of the human mind. He would come home to a warm cozy fire, bring his haul back in a cart (a strange invention that incorporated the Wheel), sow seeds in the farm, reap a harvest and earn shiny gold coins – as opposed to winning the lion’s share (pun intended) for the loudest grunt.
Naturally he was outraged at the Human Mind for having taken over his life. It brought him pain, shame and a gigantic inferiority complex, as Man’s new rules and ways of life reigned triumphant over the Neanderthal’s simple, wholesome lifestyle of violence and stupidity.
Now, an ordinary Neanderthal would have just gone with the flow and adapted to this brand new world. But our hero was no ordinary being.
Decades passed by. He skulked in the dark corners of the world that were yet untouched by the blasphemous concept of Development. He watched with disgust as civilizations began to rise and fall. Wars were fought, peace was made, nations were built and destroyed again; yet nothing gave him the opening he sought – to launch his plan to save the world from the Evil of Thought.
He decided to bide his time, for he knew that deep down within each person, behind the façade of intellect, lies a Neanderthal fighting to break free… to hunt and grunt and seek attention, once again.
And then his grunts were answered. He found himself looking at the very weapon that would steer the world into madness and chaos, back to the carefree days of stupidity and brashness. This weapon was: the cell phone.
Finally, the days of lyrical prose and nauseating beauty were over. This weapon would unleash the latent anti-talent of human beings: stupidity.
He watched with glee as languages began to choke on their own sentences and sense began to become obsolete, as brilliance and style began to slowly creep away into the dusty corners of deserted libraries. Many battles were waged against this new weapon — QWERTY keypad, spell-check, auto-correct, English exams; but one force equaled them all… FACEBOOK.
And finally, with popularity beckoning, the Neanderthal within Man broke loose. It fed his every need – attention, approval, desperation, hunger, loneliness, mental deprecation, mating opportunities and most importantly: his stupidity.
Since then our hero has travelled the globe, systematically attacking and destroying vowels, punctuation marks, grammar, wit, humour, intellect and even simple common sense. Some rebel groups resist this change and continue to make sense… but He knows all.
Recent sightings at the Ministry of HRD have confirmed that this saviour has now set his sights on India. It is almost certain, that our great nation, with its shameful history and heritage of knowledge, science and art, is now on the path to redemption. It is no coincidence that our to-do list today involves:
2. Pout for pictures and edit in Picasa
3. Upload pictures and tag your crush
4. Count your notifications
He is watching you, while you use a thesaurus, read a book, make a speech, write an article… He bides his time until the opportune moment. And then he strikes. And slowly, it begns 2 vansh; da wrds d thgts… d lollzzzz….. :S :S 😛 :D….._________X.
This article is by Apoorva Tapas, and has been edited by Priyanka Mehta. Both Apoorva and Priyanka are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.