#Environment #World

What happens in Rio: Presidential aide reveals shocking truths!

“We intend to approach the Conference with a closed mind,” Uncle Sam said. “We will keep playing merry-go-round with China, and mutually agree to disagree to do anything about everything. Under-the-table talks are already on with the Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, and India can be traditionally counted on to say and/or do nothing upsetting. It will be like Copenhagen all over again.”

Uncle Sam, as my friend fondly calls him, (I frankly admit that I have no idea about Uncle Sam’s given name) left me nervously clutching my half-eaten Mars bar with his candid expositions about US intentions. He was telling me about the mood in the US camp in the build-up leading to Rio+20 (the 20th annual conference of the UN Commission on Sustainable Development which is slated to take place in Rio de Janeiro in June 2012). It turns out that his maternal cousin twice removed is a close aide of Barack Obama.

Apparently, Carla Bruni has also agreed to wear sultry outfits to divert Nicolas Sarkozy’s (and many other Heads-of-State’s) minds from the rather pressing issues at hand. “I suggested it first!” Uncle Sam mentioned proudly, and then added, “But I personally prefer Julia Gillards’ stern no-nonsense look.”

With everything unprepared as part of preparations, it seems President Obama has solemnly vowed to ogle at his female counterparts and first-ladies unabashedly at Rio. Bruni, quite obviously, is his favourite. “It helps him think, you know?” Uncle Sam explained. “What with the re-elections coming up and all, he wants to make full use of these opportunities. Plus, Brazil is very nice this time of the year. Great coffee! The last time I went to Brazil, I had slept with this wonderful girl… it’s a wonderful place.” After a brief pause, Uncle Sam suddenly snapped back, and started defending the US rationale to me, with what I clearly felt was misplaced vengeance.

Talking of the supposed “significance” of the Conference, he said, “Well, when we were doing great financially, we didn’t do much about the environment. So how can you expect us to do anything now, amidst such a huge economic crisis?! It’s all too easy for you to say ‘Go Green! Go Green!’ and push for the conservation of tiger salamanders, but where is the money? We have appearances to keep up, wars to fight against nameless exponents of terrorism, and we must regain control of the oil trade. And we are not even sure whether we will be in office next time around! What fool keeps organizing these conferences when we as well as they know that it’s useless? I’m sorry, but ‘sustainable development’ is NOT our priority right now.” Uncle Sam wasn’t very clear on who he meant by “they”.

Quite disturbed, I contacted my other sources who knew people directly involved in US policy-making, most notably the girlfriend of Hillary Clinton’s head chef. Over a hastily organized lunch (where I savoured some delicious crumpets of endangered aquatic life), she confirmed my suspicions. There are also rumours that the government is planning to set up bogus fronts to channelize money from huge corporates (like oil companies and the meat industry) into their own pockets in the name of CSR activities (=Corporate Social Responsibilities). Obviously, the rumours were found to be of a predominantly Republican character, and were peremptorily dismissed. Meanwhile, cattle fart keeps on adding to global warming.

According to a recently concluded survey (the common man suddenly seems to have an option about their opinion), many Americans have openly questioned the necessity of listless political dialogue in conferences. These conferences seem to be flouting more emission norms, than laying down new ones even with all the Heads-of-State combined, for over the past five years. However, the survey only recorded the responses of people who gave a correct answer to the question “Where is Utah?”

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