Opinion

Angry Kapil Sibal Blasts NTMN in His Letter


Today afternoon, NTMN’s office received a letter. The sender was Union Minister Kapil Sibal, and we are reproducing the original letter here, as demanded by him. We might have to look for alternate employment soon. We appreciate the support from our readers, but it seems we can’t really do much about it.

Hey little fellas at MTNM down there, (have a short form that is easier to remember)

I have been meaning to do this for a while. I want to have this strong word with you people. I am angry and frustrated and angry, well that’s angry twice but I am so much angered that I have to do this myself (you see, generally we have a “handler” to handle stuff like this—I mean to take care of nuisances like your website—but ever since they appointed me as the handler of UPA, my own handler has left me. He said that being a handler to a handler would destroy all his self-esteem. Huh, “self-esteem”… what is this thing? I asked Digvijay and he doesn’t know either, must be a make-believe word coined by CAG…).

Now you must be thinking, I’m getting a little too chatty with you, but that’s what I do, I TALK “kids” into comfort before I SHOUT AT THEM!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DOING LATELY! Writing all these Open Letters to me and publishing stuff from my personal diary. Enough publicity for YOU on MY expense! It should always have been the other way round, don’t you go around messing with the universe’s balance! We politicians thrive on your expense and money. I would not have it any other way! (Yes, for this very reason, you must publish this letter of mine on your “awesome” website.)

Now you seem like adamant little bastards, I know that plain, clear and friendly advice like “STAY OUT OF MY FACE” would not go a long way with you. By the way, I keep telling the same thing to my eyebrows. So here it is, I’m coming after you, I’ll crash you to the ground, I’ll close your shop as soon as I’m done doing the same with the Facebook, the Twitter, the YouTube’s comment section, the Savita Bhabhi Discussion Forums… okay maybe I’ll just keep that last one up for personal monitoring. But don’t you be any delusional about it; I’m neither the justice system nor any rational being to go easy on the minors, you may be “students-run” and blah blah but you very well are on my list, which by now is a 1739-page-book in itself, maybe I should get a binding on it or something.

Coming back to this Open Letter of yours, oh yes I have read it again and again, in fact I have it in a photo-frame and it hangs in my office opposite my desk TO PLAY DARTS ON IT. And who the hell is this IIT alumnus of yours who dared commit such an atrocious blasphemy. I hope he is applying for citizenship outside India. The day I read the letter, I decided, IITs, who create monsters like this, will no longer BE! In your face bastard, I believe in tackling a problem at its root cause. Good that I’m done and dealt with that god forsaken place, not a single research worth anything, not a single Nobel Prize, and then creating douche bags like this Open Letter guy. IITs have created nothing of value except that Chetan Bhagat, I like him. I mean if you can’t do research, that is the task you are supposed do. Or at least do some scams, show your worth. You know what I mean… that’s how we in UPA roll baby!

And hey douche above, the way you have been tossing around and mentioning my Harvard degree, I’ll let you have it known that it is very much real. I have never in my life forged any academic documents, oh wait except that Cambridge degree for Raul Vin….ha but you don’t need to know that. Damn I wish I could delete what I have written on this typewriter. Sometimes I wonder if it actually would be good to learn the computer and the internet things. Darn I didn’t need to type that and that.

Now take that word as final from me, don’t you come begging to me saying ‘we’re just kids’, those are the ones creating the most nuisance these days. The only kid that gets any pardon around here in this country is our very own Rahul Baba. Also don’t give me that “free speech” shit when I send over bulldozers to take down your website. Free speech and freedom to act as you wish, hah, talk to Dinesh Trivedi about it. Thirdly, don’t tell me it’s not real and you just make things up, as if the CAG was not enough to be the one doing it. Talking about making things up though, it’s been a while since I invented something, ever since that Zero Loss Theory, I haven’t had much of a chance to put my inventive mind to use, must do something or I might lose my mojo.

Now I wish I could write more, I mean I haven’t even got to the abuses part or the one where I prove that 70,000 page views and 380 comments that you claim to have received on just the Open Letter article are actually ZERO. I at least wanted to match the word count of the Open Letter article but damn does that bastard write long posts! I have got to go now, you see I have two ministries, so along with Education, I also get to mess around with the Telecommunications…. mess… and amass…. yeah amass money for the betterment of country and the ministers…. err ministries I meant, damn this Freudian Slip and this typewriter.

P.S.: How did you get such an accurate description about that secret meeting that you have mentioned in this post? Were you there? Did you take anything other than my personal diary, because Madam tells me a hunter is missing from her cabinet?

Unless you fell victim to our poor April Fool’s prank, we expect you were wise enough to realise that there was no such letter from Kapil Sibal. This is a creation of Bijender Sheoran, the IIT alumnus mentioned in this letter.


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Kapil Sibal

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