#Environment Staff Picks

Boy Falls Into Dirty River Yamuna, Comes Out With Mutant Powers


Talks of reinstating the “holy” status of River Yamuna gained an impetus when an accidental fall into the river changed the destiny of 11-year-old Magan. Yamuna, which has been lifeless for decades, had its holy status stripped off disdainfully by the public. People were scared to jump into the river even to commit suicide. However the Magan incident has suddenly done much to improve the reputation of the river and move it closer towards regaining its lost glory.

On March 30, Magan was walking on the “scenic” path along the banks of the Yamuna. On March 31, he had superhuman powers. He had inspired a whole generation to jump into the clean drain called Yamuna, for its mutant effects. And now on April 1, scientific research on his body has given pollutants and dirty effluents the status of an “elixir of life”.

He was walking on the river banks, when, distracted by the sun’s glare being reflected from the fluorescent green-tinged liquid water of the river, he slipped over the muck covering the path. Magan fell into the river, and got carried away by the strong current. He did not know how to swim, but luckily, he managed to float—thanks to the froth layer covering the surface of the water. Fortune favoured him when he accidentally got caught up (along with other particles that were bigger than his own body), in the cleansing net of the YAFCA (Yet-Another-Fruitless-Cleansing-Attempt, supposedly part of the Yamuna Action Plan). The net was being operated by a 5-year-old (the son of the actual MCD official in charge). The younger kid spotted the older kid, and called his father, who was found smoking a beedi and watching a cricket match at a nearby teashop.

Even though the other big particles caught in the net were fed back into the river (as is the practice), Magan was rescued by the MCD official. He was given a complimentary cup of tea to recuperate. The unimaginable happened and Magan reacted in an unforeseen manner to this. The way he looked, scared the pyjamas out of everyone there (including the constables fooling around at the tea shop). The constables had no other option except to take him to the police station. News travelled fast, and soon many mediapersons were seen nearby questioning random people about Magan, some of whom had no idea at all who he was, but they still took up airtime.

The river has finally got back its lost reputation.

The constable who captured the boy told us, “He scared the shit out of us. He looked like a devil, that boy. He spoke the abusive word I was going to say even before I said it!”

Taking into account the seriousness of the situation, Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit consulted her ministers and decided that Magan would be moved to a secret research institute on the outskirts of Delhi and tested for his rumoured “mutant” powers. The tests were forcefully conducted on him and the results confirmed the on-going rumour floating around in Delhi. We had a mutant among us. (A REAL MUTANT!! Not some Monkeyman shit!)

According to scientists in the research wing, certain river effluents and/or the tea given to Magan (since it was found to be made from the Yamuna water itself) got mixed with his DNA and changed his whole structure. The currently-produced effluents are a lot more toxic than the ones produced previously (which killed all the marine life in the river). However, it was a miracle of epic proportions when the results of the various tests forcefully conducted on Magan were checked. His bones are now 10 times stronger than an elephant and physically, he is up to 6′ 5″ and he weighs 195 pounds. Add to that his ability to read minds.

As the mutant fever caught on the capital, many people jumped into the river. Some were comic book buffs, some were people committing suicide, some were engineers having received no placement offers, and some were ordinary people fed up of various discordances in their lives. A government official spoke to us about this and gave us some inside views, “This is a blessing in disguise! And what a disguise this is! We had lost all hopes in the brains of our voters. They were getting a little too aware of the situation the Yamuna is in and our next-to-negligible cleansing schemes were being criticized time and again. But that kid has changed it all!! People are now appreciating that we kept the river dirty! We are fully behind this new movement and plan to inaugurate a new scheme… the scheme will be known as ‘Mutant and proud’ so that the new mutants don’t feel neglected by us and cry for unfair treatment. We have also set aside fictitious rewards for them for their acts of courage. Hopefully this will motivate the masses to jump in! Arrey koode saari duniya hum to kehte hain! Who cares about the ‘drainesque’ Yamuna anymore?? I wish every politician had such gullible voters! We are truly blessed…Jai ho Yamuna maiya ki!”

The heroes of this whole show, the DNA-modifying-chemical-waste-producing industries, are basking in their moment of glory. After all, their waste is now one of the most valuable things on earth. We managed to catch hold of the owner of one, Shri Shubh Meheklaal, owner of Gorilla Phenyl Industries, one of the largest waste effluent dischargers in the industrial region around Yamuna. Despite being busy with page 3 parties held in his honour by the ever-ready socialites in Delhi, Meheklaal spared some time for us and spoke on this magnificent turn of events for him.

“… it is a surprise to me and my family. Our whole life has turned upside down! From various court trials for our filthy waste earlier, to various clubs and hotspots in Delhi today, I can’t tell you how glad I am, to be away from the clutches of the law. Earlier, judges and lawyers prosecuting me used to look at me with spite in their eyes. Now I have a beer with almost all of them! The judge who fined me 50 thousand rupees of my money, is now on my speed dial! I have to tell you though, I owe all of this to that little boy who proved that the waste given out by our factories gives superhuman powers… He is the reason behind the 20 lakh rupees the Delhi government has given me as a reward.”

It is unclear what the future holds for the mutant Magan, but rumours are strongly linking Ram Gopal Varma to him. Apparently, he wants to make a movie on him.

This article is by Karan Taneja, who is interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program. Edited by the NTMN Editorial Team.


About the author

Karan Taneja

3 Comments

  • Hahaha !
    I love the way you expand YAFCA.
    This piece is truly sarcasm in every second sentence.
    I wish ‘they’ do come across this and vitally the truth, the job that needs to be done, the responsibilities that need to be fulfilled.
    P.s.: They includes us too btw :p

    Keep it up ! \m/

  • A very well written article, the real issue should not be overshadowed by the the satire. But an innovative way indeed to bring out such relevant issues!!!

  • I agree with Amit! This was a very well written article with loads of amusing references – but the issues should not be overshadowed by the satire – and the best way to ensure that is to include information at the end of the article on how people can build their awareness and/or participate in actions to address the Yamuna situation.
    These include signing the petition and taking part in events organized at saveyamuna.org and joining Facebook groups like Save Yamuna to Save Vrindavan (where this article has been posted along with other Yamuna related news)!

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